14 Clear Signs You’re Not His Girlfriend (and What to Do After Your Crying Jag)

His Girlfriend

Before I started dating the guy who would become my husband I crushed hard on an older guy who looked like a Botticelli painting and had the voice of an angel. He was intense, dark-eyed, and gorgeous, and I was smitten.

Dan had little interest in me. And when I say little, I mean zero. Nada. Nothing. He was sweet and kind to me – but he was that same way to everyone.

But my heart tossed itself off the deep end without consulting my brain.

And once I finally wised up, there was a long crying jag, and I felt like I was looking through bruise-colored glasses for a while.

It was only much later that I wondered how I had EVER thought Dan “cared” for me. He was a sweetheart, just not MY sweetheart. I was not his girlfriend.

Sigh. It happens.

Dear Claire, I met someone last summer. We slept together the first night. In my head it was going to be a one night thing and moving on. Well he didn’t leave early the morning and only left around lunch time and wanted my number and added me on FB. He said he really liked me.

I was busy moving to that city from another one and I found a room and asked him if he wanted to stay with me and pay half of the room and he agreed.

After living together for a while he told me he is not in love with me but he loves me. I was devastated but we continued to live together.

Later he moved out, but we ran into each other again. I took him home with me and we slept together but he told me he didn’t want a relationship, and even though we lived together again shortly after that. But he never took me with him to parties or to night clubs or never introduced me to his friends etc. His friends threw him a big birthday party and didn’t invite me, I was very angry and couldn’t believe someone would do that. Anyway he still stayed.

Then last fall he broke up with me and I was devastated again.

Then he was staying with me briefly while he waited for a new flat, and we got close again and I was on his laptop. I know it is bad, but I couldn’t help myself I had to see what he was up to. I logged into his FB and checked the messages and saw he was dating another woman. I was absolutely devastated and hated him. So while I was on his FB I wrote to her asking what was going on and that he was living with me for about 5 months and what the heck is the problem with them.

He came in and realized something was up. He took his phone and saw the FB messages. He took all his stuff and moved to his new flat. I told him that he was a liar and a cheat. He was saying we were only friends. I said we were living together and had sex and cuddled like a couple all the time.

Well we are still friends. No sex but the desire is there. I really love him and I know he loves me, but he says he doesn’t love me the way I love him.

I tried meeting other guys. I slept with two but I didn’t enjoy it at all.

Is there hope for us? Will he be able to fall in love with me? I’m still in love with him and want him. — Stacey

Hi, Stacey —

It’s clear to me that this man is not in love with you. He has enjoyed sex with you, has appreciated having a place to stay with you, and has spent good time with you.

1. He was very clear

But he was clear over and over again that he didn’t want a long-term relationship, and as far as I can tell, he never agreed to be exclusive with you. He told you he doesn’t feel the same way you do. He said you were only “friends.” You’re not his girlfriend.

I know you cuddled, had sex and lived together, but those things don’t automatically make you a serious couple, just friends with benefits.

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2. You broke trust

You broke trust with him in a significant way by getting on his laptop and by contacting the other woman he was seeing. It’s pretty impressive that the two of you have managed to continue to be friends after that.

3. Shift your energy

You’re intensely focused on him right now. You got a lotta drama here, and it isn’t helping you.

Your best approach would be to turn that energy toward building your own dreams for the future, and dating other guys.

And being more clear in your next relationships about boundaries and expectations you have.

The same is true if you get back together with this guy. The two of you need to agree explicitly on how things will be, whether you’ll see other people, and start building trust again.

Here’s a list of the signs you’ll need to know to keep out of the crazy-making zone…

The first few items may seem obvious (when you’re not in the middle of a mess), some of the ones lower on the list are a bit more subtle, and you need to pay attention to really notice them in the relationship…

14 clear signs you’re not his girlfriend

  1. He tells you he’s not in love with you. (Even if you live together, cuddle together, or have sex.)
  2. He tells you he doesn’t want a relationship.
  3. He doesn’t introduce you to his family or friends.
  4. The two of you don’t trust each other.
  5. You don’t respect his privacy.
  6. He tells you you’re only friends.
  7. You are not his priority, so plans are usually thrown together at the last minute.
  8. Things often don’t seem to “add up” (for example: he lives with you but doesn’t include you in his plans).
  9. Your frequency of contact never increases over the duration of the relationship. (Committed couples tend to increase their connection the longer they are together.)
  10. He’s not curious about your life, and doesn’t typically ask for any details about your day.
  11. He gets easily frustrated and annoyed whenever you try to bring up the “relationship problems.”
  12. Most of your interactions with him leave you confused.
  13. He cancels on you with regularity.
  14. He’s randomly in and out of your life (because you are really only filling in gaps for him).

Your checklist for shifting your focus and rebuilding your life

After you allow yourself an all-out crying jag, here’s what you do…

1. Invest time/energy/focus in your passions, a favorite cause, or casually dating other men.

You won’t really be able to get your mind off this guy until you dive back into your own life. Go back and pick up your passions, your schooling, your career, or your fabulous business idea.

And start casually dating other guys.

2. Don’t immediately jump into bed with guys you date.

Sex does not equal love, or even a relationship. And if you’re the type who tends to equate the two, keep things clear for yourself and don’t strip down and dive into bed; do yourself a favor and wait.

Remember, this is “casual” dating — where you don’t invest everything from the get-go.

3. Get help from people who care for you and have your best interest at heart.

Talk to a trusted friend or mentor — someone who has made a successful relationship for themselves and can help you make better choices for yourself.

You really DO have power in this situation! So go ahead and grab it.

xoxo Claire

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12 Responses to 14 Clear Signs You’re Not His Girlfriend (and What to Do After Your Crying Jag)

  1. Olivia May 9, 2015 at 1:39 am #

    Hello Claire, how are you today? My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 months now, he takes me out, introduce me to his friends and also his boss’ wife knows we are dating.. His parents are here to visit him and he said he doesn’t want me to meet his parents that the only girl he will introduce to his parents is the girl he will be inlove with. . I have once told him that I loved him and he said it was too early to fall inlove with him and that he likes me alot but he is not yet inlove with me.. I asked him if your not yet inlove with me, why introduce me to your friends and he said introducing me to his friends doesn’t not matter as much as introducing to his parents and that he has never introduced any of his gf’s to his parents not even his last gf of that he dated for a year. .. Please am so confuse what should I do?

  2. Claire Casey May 9, 2015 at 10:02 am #

    Hi, Olivia, thanks for reading and commenting. Your situation is a very common one, and I think you’ll get a lot out of reading a recent article I wrote to a woman in a very similar situation — she wanted her boyfriend to take the next step, and he was holding back.

    http://askclairecasey.com/how-to-be-queen-in-your-relationship-castle/

    Even though your boyfriend’s “big issue” seems to be introducing you to his family, the process for dealing with it is exactly the same. So take a look at that article and see what you think. 🙂

    I KNOW you can do this, gorgeous! And I bet it will go really well for you.

    xoxo Claire

  3. Julia May 13, 2015 at 10:06 am #

    Oh, wow. Here I am, feeling triggered again. I feel like taking Stacey by the shoulders and shaking her, and then giving her a big, big, tight hug. And the trickiest part is, sometimes I might need the shaking and the hugging myself.

    In any case, excellent article, Claire. Those 14 signs should be posted on salon walls and added as a warning on tampon packages and taught to all girls in middle school! It would save us all from so much heartache!

    • Claire Casey May 13, 2015 at 10:16 am #

      Julia, you have the fierce, tender heart of a lioness. We all need a girfriend who can tell us the dark jungle truths and love us ferociously, too. Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation.

      • Julia May 13, 2015 at 10:34 am #

        Oh, Claire, your comment made me blush and feel all warm and fuzzy and bubbly inside! Thank you!

  4. Gina May 26, 2015 at 11:12 pm #

    Hello Ms. Claire,
    I need your help I have been with my now ex boyfriend for 3 years cause I broke into his Facebook account cause I gotten so annoyed I did it to get his attention but I apologize however this was way out of my character and he feel I fool him when I haven’t and I really love him but he don’t want to be part of anyone he can’t trust the thing is he can trust me I just gotten so annoyed that he couldn’t speak to me so I did something to get his attention. Ms. Claire I want him back what can I do

  5. Claire Casey May 28, 2015 at 9:59 am #

    Hi, Gina, sorry to hear about what happened for you. Yep, you broke trust in a big way, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be healed. Take a look at this article I’ve linked for you below. It’s not exactly your situation, but it has some very helpful information about building and maintaining trust…

    http://askclairecasey.com/can-convince-wont-cheat/

    Remember, scroll down and pay particular attention to the second half. Talk to him, and let him know how you plan to make the effort to build trust back into your relationship.

    AND, this is important, too: You need to look carefully into what was going on in your relationship to cause this problem in the first place! That needs to be addressed as well. Find better ways to get his attention. Communicate what would make you feel loved. Work together on this and you just might come through it even better…

    My best to you, beautiful.

    • Gina May 30, 2015 at 9:29 pm #

      Ms. Claire I read everything about building trust and I thank you so much. The only problem I have is that I have no way of communicate to him since he block me from his Facebook page and he gotten a new number I try before by sending him through email and I got nothing I don’t know what to do I want to make things right between us I have try before extending the olive branch and ask for forgiveness and what can I do to make things right and got nothing (sigh) I mean we talk about everything and anything Ms. Claire I just don’t understand I mean he broken a lot of time me trusting him but I always forgave cause I know people fall short its what they do afterwards matter but let me I get my heartbroken no chances or forgiveness just get dump. I mean coming up I never had a good idea what it takes to be in a relationship I had to teach myself anyway thank you for your advice

      • Claire Casey June 2, 2015 at 8:20 am #

        Hi, Gina — Well, if he’s blocked all forms of communication you have that’s about as clear a sign as a man can give that he’s unwilling to try again. And I’ll be honest with you, darling — you sound a little bit desperate. That tells me you need to turn your attention toward taking care of YOURSELF for a while, and get your balance back. And once you go back and figure out what dreams you want to pursue, what goals you have, and how you can invest in YOU, then I hope you’ll start dating again. By that time you’ll start to have better perspective on your ex-boyfriend, and can re-evaluate. You deserve that! Sending hugs your way… xoxo CC

  6. Wendy July 11, 2015 at 10:55 am #

    Hey Claire I really need some advice. So in February I met my “boyfriend” if I can even call him that on tinder. We started talking and clicked really well so we exchanged numbers and began talking through txt, because I had exams and he had police training we weren’t able to meet up immediately so we eventually met in April and we were still talking everyday. So when we meet the first date was great and things just carried on. So now we’ve been dating for 5 months now but a few things are troubling me.

    1) he never calls me only texts
    2) we’ve only been on 3 dates in the 5 months
    3) I’ve asked him to Skype and he’s made up lame excuses as to why he can’t such as I don’t know my username
    4) he always says he’s busy for dates
    5) he told me he loved me once via text but has never said it again which makes me feel that he said it in vain
    6) he now has developed the behaviour of not talking to me for a few days and then later says he’s busy. All of these things is making me second guess things and want to end things between us what’s your advice on the situation?

    • Claire Casey July 11, 2015 at 5:55 pm #

      Hi, Wendy. It doesn’t sound to me like your guy is all that interested. He hasn’t said “I’m not your boyfriend” outright, but he’s certainly showing it with his actions, and he’s all over this checklist. It’s clear that this is definitely not the kind of relationship you’re interested in (I wouldn’t be, either).

      So start dating other guys, girlfriend! There’s no reason to be held back by someone who’s only barely invested.

  7. Amy August 26, 2016 at 9:38 am #

    Hi Claire, my boyfriend and I were friends for a long time and we never had no problems but in recent times since we started dating,I don’t respect his privacy anymore and this is really killing me because I know that if I can let go that we will have the best relationship but in my defense I feel that he does not want to introduce me to his family plus he has this one close friend who knows me but I have never met him and I meet most of his friends but he never introduced me as his girl or friend just by my name and I feel horrible …I don’t know if this is the right relationship for me or I’m better off moving on.please what do I do?

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