9 Signs He’s Wrong For You

right-wrong

You’re wondering if he’s going to be Mr. Right… or if he’s aaaaall wrong for you.

How many times have you thought it would be helpful to have a little bit of relationship radar? The fairy-godmother kind of advance warning that would help you accurately predict whether or not the guy you’re seeing right now is The One… or a time-delayed love grenade waiting to explode.

Wouldn’t it be incredibly handy to KNOW (rather than constantly guessing) if there are already some red flags that indicate trouble ahead?

Below you’ll find a list you can use to uncover the warning signs that you’re in a potential no-go zone. If you find yourself checking off several of the items, you may need to seriously evaluate whether your man will be a “keeper” or whether you’re headed for heartbreak.

Warning: double-edged sword ahead…

The list below works both ways, of course. It’s one thing to rate your boyfriend, but it’s also telling to know how well he would rate you on these things too… Maybe he’s wrong for you, but maybe you’re wrong for him, too.

Okay, I’ve said it. Full steam ahead, girlfriend.

9 Signs He’s Wrong For You

1. Neither of you have experienced any personal growth since you started dating each other.

Before you commit to someone you should have already experienced some minor problems together, and feel confident that the two of you can get out your maps and successfully re-chart a course that works for both of you.

If you haven’t weathered a crisis and come out stronger for it, you still have things to work on before you make your decision to commit.

2. You are not one of the top 3 priorities in his life.

He can find time to work extra hours for a big promotion, play video games every day, help his dad restore that 1970 Plymouth Barracuda, and hang out with his buddies most weekends…but he can’t return your calls or be counted on to show up when and where he says he’ll meet you? You’re not a priority in his life.

Take a look at the top three things he makes time for every single week. Are you in there on a consistent basis? If not, you may need to face a painful truth about your importance in his life.
Take the free quiz!

3. You have the sense that he’s hiding something from you.

It takes time and work to build trust between two people, and if you consistently feel like there are things he’s hiding from you, you probably still have some work to do before you’re ready to dive into a big commitment.

You should know where his money comes from and what his general background is. You should be able to rely on him to do what he says he will do and be where he tells you he’ll be.

Still feel like there’s secretive things going on? Then it’s too soon to say “yes.”

4. Your most-trusted friends hate him, and he hates them, too.

When you’re in the initial stages of falling in love, it’s going to be hard for you to hear anything your friends have to say about your new love interest if it sounds the least bit critical.

But if your smartest, emotionally healthiest friends have grave misgivings about your paramour, that’s a pretty good indicator that there’s something amiss.

5. He’s deep in an addiction. (Or you are.)

If one or both of you are deep in the middle of an addiction battle, put off any conversations about committing to a long-term relationship. I’m talking about all additions — porn, drinking, drugs, whatever. Save the commitment for when you BOTH have strong habits for self-care and you are ready to put the biggest part of your energy into your relationship.

6. You’re never sure whether he’s about to show affection or become violent.

Blaming, shaming, harming, and hitting often go hand-in-hand with charm and sweet-talking for some of the most dangerous men, which can set up confusion and keep their victims constantly off guard.

Your safety is paramount, and no amount of justification can make emotional or physical abuse acceptable.

7. He tears down other people (PS: You’re next).

He has a dozen reasons why he shouldn’t have to pay child support, and he just can’t seem to find a single non-nasty thing to say about your mother. The world conspires against him, and he’s gotten a raw deal, the unlucky breaks, the sucky bosses, and nothing is ever his fault.

If he trash talks everything and everyone around him, chances are he is unwilling to take a look at himself to see just how offensive he is. There’s about as much chance of a healthy relationship with a a guy like this as there is putting out a forest fire with a water pistol.

Does He Love You? (7 Questions)

sexy coupleMichael Fiore (you may have seen him on the Rachel Ray show) recently asked over 20,000 men, “What’s the one thing you desperately wish the women in your life understood about men but you could NEVER tell them?”

The results were juicy, devastating and dangerous…

Click Here to Listen Now: How to Know if a Man Really Loves You

Guys opened up about how they FEEL about women, about what they WANT from women, and about what makes them MAD about women…

This will totally blow apart what you think you know about men. Go check it out.

8. He doesn’t value your opinion.

Does he always expect you to do things his way? Is every important choice or observation that you make instantly overruled by him?

Sometimes women are happy to let a man lead, but if you’re finding that your opinion, preferences, or ideas are consistently unwelcome or regularly shot down, you’re not with the right man.

9. He has money for fun stuff, but can’t pay the rent.

At first these guys are a lot of fun. They know how to party and don’t mind dropping some cash to treat a woman well. However, it soon becomes clear that there are some significant issues with priorities.

If he sports luxury Lugano shades and wants to take you to Dubai, but just got evicted from his crappy apartment because he didn’t pay the rent, you know.

Super-sucky “Bonus” item…

Do I need to say “if he’s married”? Oh, you beautiful, messed-up woman. If he’s married — and I don’t care how meaningless he tells you his marriage is, or how soon he’ll be divorced, or how horrible his wife is to him — if he’s married, he’s not yours. He’s wrong for you.

Now I wish I could hug you really hard.

What are your “Deal-Breakers”?

Even though I’ve named some of the bigger potential red flags, this isn’t an exhaustive list. Leave me a comment below and share some of the ways you’ve found to sort the keepers from the ones that need to be returned back to the wild…

xoxo Claire

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24 Responses to 9 Signs He’s Wrong For You

  1. isabella January 15, 2015 at 11:46 pm #

    I loveee how I met you! Hopefully I can read you and I’m reading capture his heart. I need more time because English isn’t my first language.
    About the things that you said, love that you make emphasis in married men because a lot of girls sticky with that type of guys (the ones that are married or in a exclusive relationship) and I have to say that “any men is so worth for have two women and any women is trash for be the second” even though anybody should be the reason by the tears of another one. Women and men who involve in any relationship with people committed should think that in the same way the person is cheated, is the way that you will be cheated too… is awful see people who don’t care for be the reason why another person cries or suffer and I love that you emphasize in that.

    Xoxo claire and thks for being a real support. Remember me hehehe I’m the one who wrote you and your answer was about the 10 do for a guy who is for keep! Thnks

    • Miriam January 16, 2015 at 7:09 pm #

      When the only reply you get from him every time you try to tell him about his behaviour / attitude is “I feel that you do the exact same thing to me”..Then you know nothing can penetrate his shield (of protection) because he always wants to win every discussion. Recognise that he is afraid of failure and he is constantly insecure about himself.

  2. Claire Casey January 16, 2015 at 9:16 am #

    Hi, Isabella — Thanks for taking the time to work it all out in English! I’m very impressed that you have two languages, and that you’re making your way through Capture His Heart (and these posts as well) successfully.

    And you’re right; if a man will cheat on one woman, he may very well cheat on another, so ladies who think “It won’t be ME” may be in for some heartbreak. That’s not to say that guys can’t change their ways, because I’ve seen lots and lots of wonderful men commit, and do a beautiful job in their relationships and marriages. So keep good boundaries, clear communication, and a healthy self-respect and any relationship you enter will be poised to succeed.

    Thanks for your kind words, Isabella, and my very best to you in life and love. And cupcakes! 🙂

    • Steph January 28, 2015 at 3:15 pm #

      Claire do you have any relationship advice for long distance couples…I love reading your articles but some advice is hit or miss in my relationship…I’m a 32 year old divorced mom of 3 and he’s 31 never been married and doesn’t gave Any kids…
      we’ve been dating 9 months and live about 2-2.5 hours away. We only see each other for about 20 hrs every 4-6 weeks…we text frequently and try to talk 2-3 times a week on phone….we made it official after 6 months but I can’t get him to open up about how he feels…Im falling hard for him but when I ask him his feelings he doesn’t want to share and says “I tell u them when your aren’t expecting to hear it” otherwise then it will be forced…in an arguement about this last night he actually was mad when I asked and thought I was talking about the word love…which in a way I was…. he angrily responded that the word love would never come out of his mouth….but now knowing his feelings I’m not sure of mine it makes me want to put my walls up…
      All he told me about His dating background was that he never had a relationship more then 7 months. And the one he actually told me about, he said was long distance and when he decided to move back to his home town for this girl she broke up w him 2 days b4 he moved back…so am I crazy for trying to make this work?

  3. angie January 16, 2015 at 9:46 pm #

    We’ll I’m always in the wrong, it takes alot for him to see how his behavior is, we are married not together on are first anniversary which is sweetest day although we’ve together 8 yrs, its been a heard 8 yrs, and we are in the same house but he tells me he doesn’t want me here, but I can leave to go do something with a friend and he knows and calls and ask dumb ? And make it known he wasn’t invited, I do love him but I’m tired of being tired. . And being married you should not have dates with others…

    • Claire Casey January 17, 2015 at 9:22 am #

      Sounds like you two are really struggling, Angie. If you’ve been married one year and he’s dating other women?? Or did you mean he thinks you going out with friends equals a date. Either way I can tell you’re having a tough time in your relationship, and could use some serious help. Have the two of you seen a counselor? And it would probably help a lot if you could confide in a trusted friend or mentor who can help you negotiate these difficult relationship curves… Hang in there. It’s worth working hard on. xoxo

  4. Belle January 17, 2015 at 11:21 am #

    Hi Claire!

    I really love your “Capture His Heart” program! I have also read this article of yours before but it is also a good timing to find this article again.

    I and my partner are having a cool off right now. My main problem about him is that he is too much workaholic and he finds it difficult to spend quality time with me. When I ask him to spend time with me, sometimes he thinks that I am too needy and that I am making him responsible for my happiness but in fact, I am just asking him to spend time with me because he rarely sees me. He stopped seeing me and texting me after confronting him about my needs (not to mention that I am struggling in this relationship for five years now!) He didn’t say whether he just needs space or that he wanted a real break up. He just stopped talking to me. But as for me, it is already a break up. I am breaking up with this kind of person. I thought that I can be a happy person even if I am single and that I can only accept him again if he can make me happier and not miserable. I can only accept him if he commits to spend quality time with me. And you’re right. If I am not in his top 3 priority list, he is not the right man for me. Thanks for all your inspiration in “Capture His Heart,” I learned how to love myself. Now I know that I deserve to be happy and I should not settle for anything less. I do not need a man who does not care about my needs. I can be happy without him anyway.

    I love you so much, Claire! You are a very dear friend to me. You are right there just when I needed someone for support! More power to you!

    XOXO

    • Claire Casey January 18, 2015 at 8:45 am #

      Darling Belle — I’m so sorry you struggled this way in your relationship, and I’m SO GLAD you were able to value your own heart and emotional soul to turn things around and win back your life. You *are* worth great waves of love, oceans of it! And you’ve discovered the not-so-secret secret: it begins when you can start loving yourself again, and refusing to allow others to treat you poorly (while calling it “loving” you). Your kind words have made my day; thank you so much for taking the time to share. xoxo

      PS: I’m going to email you privately (just in case you don’t get this) to see if you would let me use part of what you said as a testimonial on my Capture His Heart page…

  5. Lorri January 17, 2015 at 9:08 pm #

    Hello Claire,
    Thank you for your wonderful, common sense approach to relationships. I got Capture His Heart a couple of years ago and have found it helped me lay a solid foundation for my entry into dating as a 52 year old, divorced after 26 years of marriage. I have found dating middle-aged men is a very different experience than what is common to younger couples.

    I would add to your list… Do you have similar values, morals and beliefs?

    While I am fairly flexible and accepting of another’s beliefs, I recognize that it would be very problematic to partner with someone who doesn’t share my core beliefs and values. As we mature, we hopefully become more certain of who we are and are not as willing to compromise the foundational aspects that make us unique individuals.
    Thanks, Lorri

    • Claire Casey January 18, 2015 at 8:52 am #

      Wow, it must be my day to hear lovely things. 🙂

      Thank you for letting me know that Capture His Heart was a helpful and supportive re-entry to dating aid for you. That means so much to me.

      And the similar values, morals, and beliefs is a good item to have in common with a man you date, I would say ESPECIALLY (like you said) if you’re not a twenty-something. Because when you’re younger, you’re still trying to figure out what it is you think and believe, but when you’re older, you have a better idea. Not that everything is set in stone, but it’s certainly more firm, more clear.

      Excellent addition, Lorri. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. xoxo

  6. Carole January 22, 2015 at 11:56 pm #

    Claire, I’m in love (and lust) with a 46 year old man who I’ve known for 4 years. He lived on my property with another woman while my husband was alive. They subsequently broke up and my husband died almost 3 years ago. For the last year or 2 we have talked extensively, only seeing eachother in person twice in the last 2 years. Lots of calls, texts, emails, pictures to keep the LDR going. He finally got a position that allows him to have a life, with nights, holidays and weekends off, and I was supposed to join him at the end of next month. But he is very controlling and got mad about a stupid thing and is now not talking to me (4 days). I wrote him a break up email, very kindly explaining that i don’t appreciate being treated as a 2nd class citizen and won’t speak to him unless he sincerely apologizes to me. He is the most intriguing man I have ever met; spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. I can’t even imagine my life without him and we have come so far, so closer to the real beginnings of our life together. I am 61 and at our last meeting I refused to have sex with him, as to me it is reserved for marriage. He was highly aroused, which I caused with a kiss, as I wanted to be sure there was indeed something there in order to pursue this difficult situation.

    He says he is ready for marriage and getting on with our lives but our last conversation was very short and he was extremely rude and crass, which i addressed in my letter. I have had no response to the email, and no call. Should i give in and call him or wait until he calls me back? I really want to know where i stand as there have been many changes that we have been planning for that have finally come to pass and i am eager to stay my new life. But I’m also concerned if he is indeed “the one”

  7. Claire Casey January 23, 2015 at 11:14 am #

    Hi, Carole

    Ultimatums are never a good thing in a relationship.

    When he “got mad about a stupid thing” was when you should have arranged to have a calm, sincere conversation with him to clear up any misunderstandings and figure things out together, rather than call it quits and write a break up letter. You might be able to take this thing backward a few steps and see if you can start again from that point by asking to talk with him about the original problem.

    However, I do worry about the “he is very controlling” comment you made. THAT is worth having a conversation with him about, too…

    My very best to you as you decide how to approach this.

    xoxo Claire

  8. Sacha January 24, 2015 at 4:20 am #

    Hi Claire
    I have been married for two years. Last week I asked my mom to come fetch me because I was over being treated badly by my husband. Last year a friend of mine discovered him on a dating app and when I confronted him he played dumb, but the following day admitted to using it “for a week and nothing happened “. I’ll never know the truth, but we decided to try resolve the issues which led him to seek approval elsewhere.
    This year started off badly because he didn’t make much effort with me. Since the start of our marriage we have hardly had much of a sex life but I’ve always made an effort to try seduce him. During our first year of marriage there was a rumour that he was having an affair at work but he denied that as well.
    Since I’ve moved out he hasn’t made much of an effort to try win me back, but has apparently done a lot of work on the house. I feel like he is lazy in love and that I’ve spoilt him. If we weren’t married I would be single right now but being married is I suppose not as easy to walk away.
    Claire, how do I get him to take charge and be the leader, and when will I know to cut my losses? I don’t want to spend my best years wasting precious time if this isn’t going to improve.
    Please help.

    • Claire Casey January 24, 2015 at 9:37 am #

      Oh, Sacha, I’m sorry. You’re in a really difficult spot, and I wish it were as easy as writing you a simple one-paragraph answer, but not only do I not have much information on what’s really going on, but it also sounds like the two of you are going to need more help than that. I really hope you will look for a professional marriage coach or therapist together; it sounds like he would be open to that. And if that’s beyond your means, you should call on a trusted mentor — someone who can take a look at all the things that are really going on inside your marriage and advise you. Be sure to look for someone who has had a successful long-term marriage themselves. THAT’S what “being the leader” would look like — be the one who gets the two of you the help you need. You can do this! xoxo

  9. Steph January 28, 2015 at 3:18 pm #

    Claire do you have any relationship advice for long distance couples…I love reading your articles but some advice is hit or miss in my relationship…I’m a 32 year old divorced mom of 3 and he’s 31 never been married and doesn’t gave Any kids…
    we’ve been dating 9 months and live about 2-2.5 hours away. We only see each other for about 20 hrs every 4-6 weeks…we text frequently and try to talk 2-3 times a week on phone….we made it official after 6 months but I can’t get him to open up about how he feels…Im falling hard for him but when I ask him his feelings he doesn’t want to share and says “I tell u them when your aren’t expecting to hear it” otherwise then it will be forced…in an arguement about this last night he actually was mad when I asked and thought I was talking about the word love…which in a way I was…. he angrily responded that the word love would never come out of his mouth….but now knowing his feelings I’m not sure of mine it makes me want to put my walls up…
    All he told me about His dating background was that he never had a relationship more then 7 months. And the one he actually told me about, he said was long distance and when he decided to move back to his home town for this girl she broke up w him 2 days b4 he moved back…so am I crazy for trying to make this work?

  10. Stacy LoCastro February 28, 2015 at 3:08 pm #

    When he never wants to take you on vacations that he goes on with his family or friends after 2 years. You invite him with you on vacations you go and he doesn’t want to go. He makes up every reason why he can’t go, why you can’t go: he’s broke, it’s just for his family, the guys, he already had it planned, he’s too busy at work, etc. Bottom line is you are just not a important part of his life, not like you are to him, and that is not going to change after 2 years. It’s truly had to accept.

  11. Kelly May 19, 2015 at 12:39 am #

    This really hit home for me. I spent 13 years married to a man I now realize I didn’t love. I spent 5 years after that in love with a man who did nearly everything in those 9 points. I was miserable in both relationships for very different reasons. I would add, don’t be his bank, his maid or his Gal Friday. I did everything for them and got nothing in return…..except a broken heart and an empty bank account. Thank you Claire for pointing out things I didn’t want to see before, and desperately needed to see now.

  12. Marie November 26, 2015 at 8:31 pm #

    Hi Claire

    Thanks for your really good and rational advice. I worked through this list and it was a bit of an eye opener. Not in terms of him but me! 🙁 im also still too easily flattered by the chemical butterfly romance although im in relationship with an absolutely amazing guy – im top priority in his life, he is always willng to work things out and has grown so much emotionally since we starting dating. I know I love him but it seems im the one who hasnt grown emotionally, not placing him top priority, not always willing to work things out or put his wants above mine. I feel terrible, i do want to work on this. And mostly stop developing feelings for other guys while im with an amazing giy. Any advice on rebooting my mindset and feelings for him?

  13. Wendy February 27, 2017 at 9:48 am #

    I do too much for everyone I was in a relationship for 24 yrs every time we argued all I got from him was what ever he also rely s on his mother a lot

  14. Claire Casey February 27, 2017 at 9:53 am #

    I’m so sorry to hear that, Wendy. 24 years is a long time to feel so miserable. What’s really good is that you realize your own part (doing too much) in the situation. I’m guessing you’re figuring out ways to keep that from hurting your soul again. Be patient with yourself, though. It takes time to heal those kinds of wounds… xoxo

  15. yvonne Ziesing March 25, 2017 at 11:56 pm #

    Hi Clare
    I read your comments with interest:
    1. it is sad that so many women do not know what is acceptable and when they should not be with that man
    2. It is sad that woman also (I suspect) stay with men even-though they know they do not Love them

    Therefore your column is so important to affirm and give women the power to believe in themselves!

    You never mention that men may have a Disability or Mental Health issue that prompts their behavior? My Husband, 8 years younger, of 35 years has ADHD, Dyslexia and officially un-diagnosed with Asperger’s. I do find it enormously difficult living with him, he has offered me to leave, but I know at his age 62 it is very difficult for him to change. I go months with out physical contact, no sex and being “shut out”. It is more difficult when I meet a man that does not behave like him!!

    Thank you for your column
    Yvonne Ziesing Aldgate South Australia

    • Claire Casey March 27, 2017 at 3:04 pm #

      Hi Yvonne — thanks for your kind words.

      And it does take extra care and effort to stay married and in good heart, soul, and body connection with someone with mental health challenges. It sounds like the two of you do talk openly about those challenges, and I also hope you (both) take good care of yourselves, and get help when you need it.

      Sending you hugs,

      Claire

  16. josephine June 11, 2017 at 7:42 am #

    Hi Claire,

    I always came to your page for relationship adivse and tips to keep my head clear but there’s this one thing I’m not sure what to do.

    I met this guy 3 months before he asked me out OVER TEXT. His english wasn’t good and my korean isn’t good because I grew up in Australia but he did make his way and asked me out in english. (we’re both korean). He said how we shouldn’t just stop our realationship from going futher by telling everyone that we are related ( i told everyone that we were cousins so they would stop shipping us togetherm, i didn’t want to ruin our friendship.)

    He asked me in person the next day and I said yes. reasons why:

    1. he’s a good looking guy, id say 8.5/10
    2. I had lots of fun with him in just 3 months and we hated the same people (how we bonded)
    3. I didn’t want to ruin our friend relationship
    4.i’m a ugly potatoe someone this hot probably won’t even talk to me.

    Before me was this other girl he always hang out with because they were both new and they seemed very close and he followed her like a lost puppy. And then suddenly they just stopped talking to each other and then gradually he started talking to me. He claimed that he only followed her around because he’s new and he thinks ‘she ugly’ and he only distanted himself was because he thinks she like him.

    Other witnesses said that it was him who wanted to be more than friends with the girl and the girl rejected him and he who is a persone who think personal profile and pride is very important made things up.

    she have the same feature as his ex ‘resting biatch face’ but i’m not really sure about his ‘type’ I did receive looks from her when i first started hanging out (just hanging ) and only when she’s around, he puts his arm around me. At that point i thought that he only wanted me to make her jelly. I don’t know who to believe. I tried to break up with him by telling him that our grades are getting worse so we should probs just break it off but i ended up crying.

    2 weeks and then i lost my virginity to him

    I feel bad for leading him on but I gradually started to like him.

    after doing it i feel bad and i regret life choices and he is getting kinda distant. *id say the honeymoon of the relationship is over* but i feel like i’m just a booty call to him. I read your page on am I just a booty call and I apply to most of them but he is a busy person with golf and he does makes plans with me. We just always ending up having sex.

    I’m struggling because i think:
    1. i liked the way he treated me and not him
    2. i lost my virginity to him and i feel like i need more (its like a loss in business) (cruel but just what i feel)
    3. i don’t want to lose him and i miss the old days
    4. i won’t find anyone better than him.
    5.’i’m probably just a insercure person that overthinks stuff

    What puts me off is that

    1. he openly checks out other people. (really, i’m the one to blame because i check out other girls to and some times i share with him because ‘sharing is caring’ and its funny) but like when we’re on the phone, he’s like ‘omfg i like this girl.’ and back then, he’s always talking to me but now he just calls me and watches anime or videos

    2. he saw a very very very bad photo of me and i looked completely different from it. *uglier* and he was like ‘lol if you actually looked like that, i probably won’t date you.’ and then he said ‘but in real life, you looked a bit cuter’ *translated from korean.

    3. he can’t really list the things he liked about me.
    he listed:
    1. we get along well and we always thinking bout the same things and doing the same things.
    2. i take care of him alot
    3. i’m a warm person.

    but when went out he said ‘you’re cute, MAYBE this is why i date you :)’

    I just really don’t know what to do because parts of me is telling me ‘im just a booty call.’ but i really want to try your tips on ‘flip booty call to boyfriend.’

    Our grades are not really good either since we met. We’ve been dating for a month now. I’ve talked about this and how i wanted to break up with him in the 2nd week *before doing regretfull things*but i pretty much broke down in tears because i don’t want to leave him.

    next week hes going to korea for 2 weeks because of school hoildays should i just ghost since im going on a roadtrip anyways. I tried to talk to a friend but she sounded quite annoyed and she labled me a ‘f*ck girl’ and she seemed quite done. her words were ‘just end it with him, it’s not fair to him to lead him on’

    Honestly, i don’t know what to do rn because i think the only that’s keeping me away from breaking up with him clean, is that we had done it. but ever since we done that i feel like im more attached to him.

    sorry for all this paragraphs, i should probably write a novel on wattpad 🙂

    but thank you if you looked through my long paragraphs and replied.

    Josephine

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