Has your dating life become so passionless and empty you would rather sit in the coin-op and watch your laundry dry than go out again? Is your date making you pray for a sudden electrical storm or freak inland tidal wave to shut down the restaurant so you have an excuse to “call it a night”?
Before you write off your current relationship, or decide all dating is boring, or take the nuclear option and swear off men and become a nun, take a minute to read this letter…
Hello Claire, I have this simple question for you. Me and my boyfriend just broke up because there just wasn’t passion. Every time we were together was boring. We are willing to fix it but we don’t know how. Could you write me back and help? – Bellissa
Hello, Bellissa, thank you for writing. Yours is a great question with a pretty simple answer.
If you find dating boring, STOP doing this…
The thing that you absolutely must stop doing is expecting things to be exciting and interesting on their own.
The reason this is counter-intuitive is that when you first “fall for” someone, excitement and passion actually DOES happen on its own! But that wears off quickly, and you have to pick up the reigns or your relationship will fall into the dull, boring, why-are-we-wasting-our-time arena.
Relationship excitement does NOT happen on its own. You can’t expect it to, once that first flush of heat passes by. You have to MAKE it happen.
[Tweet “You deserve plenty of BOOM in your dating!”]
And here’s the REAL secret to a relationship packed with fizz and fireworks: Exciting relationships happen when the people involved are exciting.
This goes for both of you, but let’s start with you…
Ask yourself this important question
What engaging, fresh things am I doing? What dreams am I working toward? What crazy new idea have I wanted to pursue, but have been putting off?
In other words, what am I bringing to the table? Am I a fun date? Am I enjoyable to be around?
Because this is almost never all about what HE is doing or not doing to make your relationship a sparkling, shimmering success. It’s about what kinds of people the two of you are. Are you boring to date? And…
Ask the same question about him
Once you ask yourself the “How am I exciting?” question, you can ask it about him. But not in a routine, droning “Hiiii, are you an interesting perrrrson” kind of way.
Encourage him to tell you about his goals, dreams, and hobbies. What is he a secret freak about? What are his guilty pleasures? What’s on his bucket list? What has he already checked off? Maybe the two of you can work on some of those things together.
And if he’s NOT bringing anything to the relationship table, well… You have your answer, don’t you?
3 final questions
Here are a few more questions to help you put an end to boring dating, and bring the glossy, vibrant LIFE back into your relationship (or marriage).
1. Am I “defaulting” to never leaving the house?
What are some interesting places you’d like to go, or things you would love to do? Are you doing them?
2. Do I make everything about me (or is our relationship all about him)?
If you only ever talk about or do things related to one of you, that can get boring. How can you shift the game so that both of you get spotlight time?
3. Am I thinking and speaking positively in this relationship?
Or do you have a tendency toward negativity and criticism? Be brutally honest with yourself here. Once you know, then you can fix it, but if you’re clueless, the negativity will run unchecked and kill what might otherwise bloom.
My painfully dull friend (who is secretly really interesting)
I have a guy friend who is a total board game dude. Boring, right?
He’s an ordinary man, kinda quiet, and you would never give him a second glance if you saw him on the street, but holy Parcheesi on a platter, that dude loves board games.
But I don’t, and never really have. In my book, board games are the ultimate in boring, dull, and even miserable. No thanks.
But Sidney goes after games like a Formula One race car running on rocket fuel. He’s obsessive, actually, and his sheer excitement about any new game (or his favorite old ones) is a little contagious. In fact, he may be the ONLY guy who has ever gotten ME to show up for a game night (he promised me wine).
He throws these “board game” parties – which last far into the night and involve many shenanigans, and – I am forced to admit – he’s rarely boring.
Sydney’s wife is incredibly quiet. Doesn’t wear makeup. Dresses casually. But that woman can buy a falling-down house and with her own elbow grease, restore a wrecked heap from top to bottom, turning it into a showplace that sells for 20 times what she put into it.
On the surface? Boring. Once you learn a bit more about her? Fascinating. They are definitely a match.
Maybe you two belong together, Bellisa, and maybe you don’t. Dating boring guys is no fun, but that may not be your issue. Things don’t have to be passionless; you deserve an exciting life and plenty of BOOM in your dating!
I wish you the very best…