The most beautiful intimacy in the world is when you don’t have to hold back; when you not only allow someone to see deeply into your own secret heart, but you also visit their inner world, and both of you are drawn closer because of it.
That’s the kind of sun-drenched, soul-deep intimacy that lifelong love is built on. Here’s how YOU can build that with your man..
Why You Should NEVER Settle For a Life Without Intimacy
You crave that feeling of being fully known, and fully loved. But that kind of intimacy doesn’t happen on it’s own. If you find it slipping away, there are so many ways to bring back the joy and pleasure of closeness with another person…
Four months ago I married a man I thought I loved. But we haven’t even consummated the marriage. He has ED and has tried several methods without any success. Any time I try to touch him or joke with him it’s war. It has now been years since I have felt the touch of a man. He works 40 hours a week, comes home, sits in his chair, and that’s the extent of our relationship day after day. Any advice for me? – Gretchen
Oh, Gretchen, I’m so sorry; I know this casts a deep shadow on the garden of your heart. But I do have a few things you might consider, because you’re making one BIG mistake which is actually very easy to correct…
Your man may have some history of abuse or other problems in his background that contribute to his ambivalence around sex and intimacy.
Here are a few things that might help the two of you…
What IS intimacy, anyway?
Intimacy is a close connection between two people. There are lots of ways to describe it:
- Sharing your “inner” world with someone
- Being who you really are with another person
- Feeling emotionally, physically, or spiritually close
- Experiencing a sense of being wholly yourself, not held back
- Being known and accepted for who you really are
Intimacy is NOT exclusively about sex, or always about feelings, and it isn’t always a “happy” thing.
You can experience intimacy when you brush your baby sister’s hair, or help your best girlfriend get through chemo, or share a crazy rollercoaster ride with a complete stranger.
You can also experience intimacy while putting the children to bed together with your spouse, kissing your boyfriend under an umbrella at the bus stop, or studying late into the night with your best friend.
What BLOCKS intimacy between people?
Not only do men and women approach intimacy very differently (guys tend to want to share intimacy through TASKS done together, and women often want to TALK and “share feelings”), but many other factors go into keeping you from being able to be intimate with someone else…
- Low self-confidence
- Fear, jealousy, grief, anger, or other strong emotions
- Emotional injuries from the past
- Old or inappropriate/outdated patterns of behavior
- A judgmental environment
- Lack of trust
- When you don’t know what your personal boundaries are
I know, that sounds like a laundry list that you could NEVER manage to clear away.
But don’t get discouraged! Because there are plenty of ways you can begin to build a space of slow, beautiful intimacy…
Does your relationship seem hopeless? PLEASE don’t give up on your marriage until you’ve tried this.
Intimacy begins within your OWN heart…
Before you can really start opening your heart to someone else, it helps to put your own inner garden in a little bit of order.
Not the whole thing, beautiful, just a tiny corner.
Think of it as creating a small, secret corner of your interior soulgarden. Maybe enough to put a tiny, wrought-iron bench for two, a few of your favorite flowers, and a place to scatter some seeds for the songbirds…
3 simple exercises you can do to begin to clear your interior garden
Set aside some time in your life to journal and/or reflect on the following questions:
1. Meet your own needs, build confidence
On a scale of 1 to 5, how solid do you feel on your own as a human; what’s your confidence level? What are two or three small ways you could meet some of your own needs, and begin to reclaim your journey in life?
2. Claim and celebrate your gifts
What are some of your unique gifts and strengths? List them. Claim them. Celebrate them! These are special talents and characteristics that you benefit from, but that you can also share with others… You have much to offer!
3. Name (and share) what makes you feel loved
What things make you feel most loved? Make a long list, be creative, whimsical, serious; let them be tiny, enormous, or just ordinary. Which two or three of the smaller love-gifts would you like to receive from another? How can you gently communicate that?
12 beautiful ways to start building intimacy with your man
Now that you’ve begun to clear a fragrant, sunlit space within your soul, it’s time to invite the one you love to share some time in it with you…
Let go of your expectations. Just offer the gift, and open yourself to him.
1. Plan an intimate picnic
Pack finger foods that you’ll both enjoy (eating with your hands can be quite intimate) and spend the time being warmly, lovingly open to him. Click here to get 18 sensual picnic menu plans.
2. Create a “candlelit questions” evening
Candlelight can help create the atmosphere. Gather a handful of questions that you can ask him. The best kind invite him to share things that he’s passionate about. Click here to see my FAVE resource for couples’ questions.
3. Offer to massage his hands, or his neck and shoulders
Touch can be a powerful bridge to intimacy. Be sure to have some lotion or oil with a fragrance he will like (I like Burt’s Bees Hand Salve for this). You could also try this melty, delicious 30-second hug…
4. Set up a little computer surprise
If he’s on the computer a lot, clean out his keyboard and shine up the monitor. Then leave him a new screensaver of a picture of the two of you and a sweet note.
5. Share a nostalgic memory with him
Tell him about a time when the two of you were really happy together. Invite him to share a story also.
6. Just for the day, take over a task HE usually does
Picking up dry cleaning, making coffee, loading the dishwasher, shoveling the walk…
7. Write him a love note
8. Indulge him in a small luxury item he doesn’t usually get himself
Maybe this is his favorite craft beer, a special shaving cream, or a new book from a favorite author of his.
9. Look at his high school yearbook, or an old photo album of his
Invite him to tell you some of the stories behind the photos.
10. Make him a special playlist
You can even write him a note, explaining why you chose the songs you did.
11. Invite him to explain something he knows a lot about
Ask a good question about the stock market, fantasy football, SLR photography, or something that’s he knows a lot about, but you don’t.
12. Tell him something you really love about him
Think about what drew you to him in the first place; what you admire or appreciate.
You CAN save your marriage (and it’s worth fighting for!)
Far, far too many marriages and committed relationships end prematurely. Why? Two reasons.
- Neither spouse knows how to prevent the passion, intimacy, and romantic connection from gradually fading away.
- They make the 3 “Marriage Murdering Mistakes” that very few people know about… and sadly, these 3 mistakes can quickly drive your marriage into disaster and divorce.
If you’re in this situation…
If your marriage is dead-as-a-doornail…
If you’re heading towards divorce, or even if you’re already at that point…
Then a new video by marriage coach Brad Browning will show you how to stop the downward spiral and breathe some life back into your relationship. (Brad’s a freakin’ genius, by the way.)
I wish I could convince every couple experiencing a marriage crisis to watch this new video… Because the strategies Brad reveals in it are extremely powerful and can be the difference between “unhappily divorced” and “happily ever after.”
The best part is that you can apply the techniques described in his video on your own… without your husband even being aware that you’re making an effort to save the marriage.
So don’t lose hope just because your partner refuses to attend marriage counseling, or won’t put in the effort to fix the problems that are slowly eating away at your marriage.
There’s no catch to this, no marketing gimmicks…
At the very least, you should watch the first few minutes where Brad reveals the 3 “Marriage Murdering Mistakes”… These 3 massive myths alone are a huge reason why nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.
Start fighting for your marriage or relationship NOW. Watch this quick video that will teach you everything you need to know about salvaging the most important thing in the world: