Dating a new man and falling in love can make even the most level-headed of women veer madly off course. We’ll ditch our girlfriends, give up all our crazy-wonderful plans for taking over the planet, and practically forget our own names. (Except when HE says it…)
We can be hopeless basket cases, and our stumbling around like love-sick fools can quickly wreck a relationship beyond repair.
So what’s the key to helping a genuinely awesome new relationship get off the ground and flying safely without all the chaos and drama?
Turns out, there are some good practices that will help you do EXACTLY that…
“Hi Claire, I met a guy online about 4 months ago. We met briefly at coffee shop next door to where he worked. We continued to talk and about month later, I told him that I needed to distance myself from him because everyday I was getting more attached to him. He said that if I were to do that, “wouldn’t that destroy whatever rapport we’ve established?”
The next night he called and invited me on a little mini work road trip. We talked, we laughed, listened to music, it was perfect. He was such a gentleman opening doors for me, and making sure I was comfortable and had everything I needed/wanted.
The day we returned home I told him I was going to take a mini vacation from him since I didn’t get the chance to do so before.
3 days later I messaged him and things seemed a bit off, as if he was a bit distant. I messaged him at night and asking if we could start over because I felt like I was starting to drive him away. I had to explain why and get everything off my chest first. Basically, I poured my heart out, and told him I had doubts and what I’ve been thinking, how I wasn’t sure if he feels the same.
All he said was, “I think you’re thinking too much” 🙂
Sunday came, I messaged him and again, I had to say what I felt about where this was going. He didn’t know how to respond to everything I said, and said that if he was making me feel that bad, we shouldn’t be chatting… I panicked because that wasn’t what I meant or wanted. So I said that I take everything I said back.
Eventually it led to him saying that he likes to keep his life fairly simple, and all this back and forth is a lot of drama. I apologized and he was nice to say “please stop apologizing.” I told him I’ll call/text once a week, and ask if it was simple enough.
I have not heard from him since then. I have tried reaching out to him a few times with no response. I don’t know why he’s doing this. How do I get him back?” – Paloma
Hi, Paloma, thanks for writing. And guess what? Your new guy was right. You were over-thinking everything. And over-communicating. But that’s okay. Everybody makes mistakes, right?
1. There’s never any reason to tell a guy “I’m planning to distance myself from you.”
Really. It’s just not necessary, because actions speak louder than words. If you actually need to distance yourself for some reason, then just DO it. Quietly, without the drama.
2. Know the RIGHT time to bring breathing room into a relationship.
There is an appropriate time to draw back a little. When you feel yourself becoming clingy, whiny, or dangerously over-invested, back up a bit. Give both of you room to breathe. Just don’t advertise what you’re doing.
When you create a little space in a relationship, you almost magically start to gain fresh perspective.
3. Know what GOOD breathing room really looks like.
When you back off in a relationship for the BEST reasons, here’s what happens.
- You don’t mention it to him, you simply do it.
- You’re gentle and happy about it, not grouchy or angry or miserable. (Just fake it till you make it, girlfriend.)
- You DO text/talk back IF he initiates communication, but…
- You keep things simple and uncomplicated. No drama, no complexity, no lengthy explanations. Just pleasantness and smiles.
- You don’t “fish.” That means you’re not pestering him to find out if he misses you, or checking obsessively to see if he’s mentioned you on Facebook, you’re simply… breathing deeply and clearing your head and heart.
4. Invest confidently and joyfully in your own life.
Remember all those fun things you used to do? Remember your best girlfriends? Oh, and your healthy eating and workout routines? Yep. Time to get back on Team Gorgeous You.
You don’t do all this to force him to chase you, you do it because you deserve it! It just happens to have a fun side effect of attracting guys to your sparkle. 🙂
How to make him feel INTENSE love for you
No throwing fits, giving ultimatums, or playing games with a man's heart. THAT kind of drama just drives men away.
Once you discover this secret, you'll notice that your presence will make him feel so good he will ache to be around you as much as possible.
If you want to create THAT kind of drama with a guy go watch this short video right now! He will be so happy, you will think you're dreaming 🙂
5. When you feel dramatic, use these tools to deal with it...
Don't let yourself live without filters, saying whatever you feel anytime you get the urge. Instead, put several of some simple practices to work in your life to help you deal with the drama that goes on in any ordinary life...
- If you feel the need to “pour your heart out,” try calling up a good girlfriend.
- Journalling is another great way to get all the drama out of your soul and onto paper, where you can look at it more objectively.
- Meditation, a quiet walk around the block or in the park, or even just a good run can help you see things from a fresh perspective.
- Volunteer for your favorite cause. There's almost nothing better for getting perspective on your own life than helping someone who really needs your assistance.
6. Let your new boyfriend SHARE the spotlight with you.
When you engage in heavy drama, you're essentially making a power grab. Your needs, your feelings, your experience are taking up all the room in the room!
Try approaching each encounter and conversation with your boyfriend with the mindset that YOU will get some of HIS time and attention and HE will get some of YOUR time and attention. Work toward a 50/50 balance.
Share the conversation, share the spotlight, and work at being partners in the relationship.
BONUS ITEM: Only apologize when you've done something worth apologizing for.
Have you ever known women who apologize constantly, for things that they actually have no control over, or aren't responsible for? It becomes a habit and a crutch, a substitute for more appropriate responsibility in life. Only apologize when you've actually done something worth that apology.
I know you're gonna shine, beautiful... Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!