Breakups and Recovery

How to Let Go and Move On (When You Still Love Him)

It is heart-shatteringly hard to move on when you still love him.

Once upon a time, the love between the two of you was sweet and strong and hot, like the perfect sunrise espresso in your favorite hidden cafe. It made the prospect of your day beautiful and full of promise.

But he has drifted away, or emotionally moved on. But YOU haven’t.

You tell yourself he still loves you — you grow more desperate about it with each empty day (and twice as desperate whenever you see him and he casually smiles at you), and you dread the thought of having to move on yourself.

Your mind races through the same series of thoughts:

  • But what if he changes his mind?
  • What if he actually still loves me?
  • Is there something I could be doing to renew our love?

It’s paralyzing, and you know it’s counterproductive, but you are terrified to move on.

Why are the feelings so strong, and is there anything that you can do to help yourself move on?

“Claire, I must be doing something wrong as I am still stuck in an impossible situation, in love which I don’t think is reciprocated but scared to move on.

My boyfriend moved out last winter. He says at the moment he’s not keen on living together having tried it and it didn’t work out. We see each other at work every day. I said I would give up work so that we might get on better together at home but he said he would rather I be at work.

I think he loves me and we are still attracted to each other, I feel like I’ve tried every trick in the book and we’re still not back on track.” — Leah

I can tell from your very first sentence that you really are deeply focused on this man, and you know that he’s not anywhere as interested in you. That’s such a painful place to be, and I’m so sorry, Leah.

1. Here’s the very best place to begin overcoming your fear…

Darling, you must begin by loving yourself SO MUCH that you expect (and require) to be with someone who values you greatly too, who doesn’t want to let you go.

Those men are out there, I promise.

How do you polish up your life again so you can start loving the woman you are? Here are three questions which will help you get started:

  1. What are the big goals of my life right now? Am I actively working toward my dreams?
  2. What are some of the really interesting things about me? Am I giving my best gifts time in the spotlight? If not, why not, and how can I let myself shine?
  3. Are my personal health and spirituality needs being met right now? What can I do, and who can I call on to get back to where I need to be?

Start living your life again. Find (or rediscover) your passions and start working on them. You deserve all of the beautiful things life has to offer you.

2. Let yourself be angry and sad and scared. With LIMITS.

Go ahead and pour out your misery and shattered expectations with your truest friends and/or mentors on the planet. They’ll understand.

Get it out, but don’t let it dominate your life.

Allow yourself a certain amount of time for the first few weeks to obsess, then shut that out of your life so you can concentrate on YOU.

3. Say goodbye to the habits that connect the two of you

In order to successfully move on, you must stop staying where you are and (more importantly) where you WERE. So…

  • Don’t restlessly look him up online
  • Don’t try to make him jealous by flirting with others in front of him
  • Stop trying to show up in places where you might run into him (especially difficult if you work at the same place — consider getting a transfer to a different department if possible)
  • Don’t hang out with friends of his
  • Stop listening to songs and/or watching movies that remind you of him
  • Clear out the mementos of him that are all around your house (and other personal spaces, like your desk at work)

4. Teach yourself to KNOW there’s a wonderful man out there, waiting for you to clear this up so the two of you can connect

If you don’t work on healing this up and moving on with your life, you might never be found by the TRUE love of your life. Think about what you stand to gain, if you simply do the hard work of moving forward.

You CAN love again, and deeply. And you can be profoundly loved, too. 

But that can’t happen unless you move on, beautiful lady.

Don’t choose to remain in a place of emotional starvation when you could not only spiritually feed yourself (see #1 above), but also be emotionally nourished by a man who adores you!

Don’t settle for anything less.

5. Try dating again

Getting started dating again will help you stop putting all your focus on this one guy. Plus, you may finally meet that man you’ve been waiting for!

Remember what the best, healthiest, most amazing men are attracted to:

  • a woman’s genuine joy and pleasure in life
  • the kind of woman who is attracting the attention of other men
  • emotional wholeness

You can do this! Give your sparkling, shining heart to a man who will treasure it like the rare gem it is! You deserve every bit of good love in the universe.

How to KNOW (without a doubt) if a man loves you

how to know if he loves youIf you want to understand men better than they understand themselves you need to watch this presentation:

–> 7 Ways to KNOW if a man loves you

It’s a video that teaches you the 7 secret “signs” that a guy is really into you (or not).

One of the best parts of the video is when it explains the difference between what MEN mean by the word “love” and what WOMEN mean by the word “love” and why this difference of definition creates a Grand-Canyon-sized GAP between us…

And a lot of broken hearts. And a lot of angry women and confused men.

Watching this video and answering the 7 simple questions it asks you will either fill your heart with astonishing joy…

Or make that doubt in the back of your mind come vibrantly to life as you suddenly KNOW EXACTLY how he REALLY feels about you…

The testimonials are amazing. Things like,

“I wish I’d watched this 7 Ways video when I was 20. I’m making my daughter watch it right now. It would have saved me so many years of heartache.”

Go watch it now. Put it on your phone, put your headphones in, and really listen.

xoxo Claire

4 comments on “How to Let Go and Move On (When You Still Love Him)

  1. Me and my fiance have been together for almost 6 years. He’s 40 and I’m 34. He’s never really been in a relationship. We live together, and have for 5 years. I have 5 kids from a previous relationship. Anyways, I am madly in love with him, and he says he loves me and wants to grow old with me. His job requires him to travel a lot, and be gone quite a bit. I knew that when I met him. The first 3 years were amazing. Sex was phenomenal. Now, he doesn’t pay to much attention to me, he plays the Xbox ALOT, on his time off. I feel like I am begging for his attention and sex. When we do have sex, its amazing. But I don’t feel he loves me like he used to. I admit I have been going through some things with my family, and he has been my only friend. So I do rely on him as a shoulder to cry on. But, I would be more than happy to be his shoulder, anytime. I just feel sad most of the time. I feel that spark still, but I’m afraid he doesn’t. I have talked to him about it, I’ve apologized, I’ve cried to him and expressed to him how much I love and appreciate him. He doesn’t open up to me when it comes to feelings, he completely shuts down. What do I do?
    Hopelessly in Love

  2. Thanks Claire X

  3. 5 months ago I discovered my husband of 12 years and father of my 4 young children had been having an affair. We have spent the 5 months since trying to get back on track and to reach a better relationship. He was very much wanting to do this and there was a lot of remorse. He says the affair was filling a void. Now just before Christmas, after a few setbacks he says he has fallen out of love and is moving out. I’m devastated as I have now been spending time looking into what went wrong. I know I took our love for granted and didn’t make him feel special . I badly want another chance with my new knowledge but how can I get him to agree?

    • Claire Casey

      I’m so sorry to hear it, Michelle. I know you must be feeling panicked and maybe even hopeless. But it also sounds like you know that there is change that can be made, and you seem willing to get to work on it. Maybe he is too.

      I think your best bet is to see if the two of you can get professional help.

      Draw on whatever financial resources you possibly can: savings, friends and family, church and/or community organizations. There *can be* life and love after an affair. And a marriage of two people willing to work together through the worst troubles can come back stronger and better. I know you would love it if I could solve everything in one simple website comment, but it just doesn’t work that way when you’re at the point the two of you have come to. You can do this! Start the work of finding help now…

      My very best to you… xoxo CC

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