Remember that unbelievably sexy guy from the surf shop that you fell in lust with on your vacation? Or the one with the massive shoulders and shining skin that you had a steamy little fling with while you were visiting your girlfriend in Greece?
Ever wonder if you could turn those intense sparks of erotic connection into… something more?
Ever think that a crazy-hot fling could turn into a passionate dating relationship?
Last summer, I shared an incredible 3 nights with a guy from the city I was vacationing in. Fantastic sex, plus he took me out, guided me around, and even carried my luggage to the airport. After we parted, there was some mutual cyber-stalking, and when I messaged him on his birthday, he said he “remembers our summer days quite often.”
I will be spending a few days in his city next month, and I contacted him to ask for help arranging transportation. He provided advice, and when I confessed I would be happy to see him, he invited me to stay at his place, which I accepted.
From his answers on his dating profile, it seems he’s open to a relationship and would be willing to try something long-distance in the beginning.
Claire, can a past fling turn into something more? What would be the ingredients to facilitate such a transformation? IF he still seems into me in person, and IF these new days together prove equally great, how can I tell him that I’m interested in getting to know him? – Julia
Hi, Julia. Thanks for your message (and thanks for your thoughtful comments on my site).
Of course a sexy fling can turn into a dating thing. You have one MAJOR obstacle facing you (see below), but that mountain can be climbed. Lots of people have done it successfully, and you can too.
As to your question about how to tell him you’re interested in getting to know him… Keep reading, gorgeous. I’ve got you covered.
The single biggest obstacle that you’ll face is simply getting to know each other.
Most people who head into long-distance relationships have already been dating a while when suddenly his work transfers him to another area, or her job puts her in a new country for 6 months.
The two of you don’t have that dating foundation.
You don’t know his friends, family, or how he lives day to day. You don’t know his dreams, personal values, history, or habits. You don’t know the state of his finances, or how he communicates, what makes him feel loved, or with what kind of grace he gets through everyday problems… Or, more importantly, how he gets through big, life-changing problems.
You can certainly learn ALL these things and more, and it can be exciting to discover and unlock these kinds of details about a person.
Long-distance relationships can have several advantages over traditional dating…
- Couples who make a relationship work long-distance are probably going to fare well when they face other obstacles in their couplehood.
- Because you have fewer interactions face to face, each interaction you DO have can be much more meaningful.
- Since you don’t get to see each other in person very often, long distance couples tend to avoid the trap of making everything about sex. Your relationship has to become more than physical.
- Each of you gets plenty of time to pursue your own dreams in life.
WARNING: If you plan to be exclusively committed to one person for a long-distance relationship, you’ll also have to accept a certain amount of loneliness in your life… However, if you’re simply dating casually (and still seeing other guys), it probably won’t cause problems.
How to turn a long-distance fling into a relationship
1. Make the tech work for you!
Text, email, Skype, chat, FaceTime, Google Hangout, social profiles – you have more choices than ever before to connect. Use ’em! And be creative. What about a Skype movie date, where you both watch the same movie, and chat about it while you watch?
2. Put plans in place for QUALITY interactions
If you already have a relationship in place when you go long-distance, you don’t often have to plan for this. But if you’re just getting to know each other, and just doing it long distance, this one is going to take a little effort.
The key is in asking really good questions…
36 questions that make couples fall deeply in love
It describes a clinical study where a researcher had strangers ask each other 36 questions that resulted in them falling in love.
The author of the article tells the story how she tried out the experiment herself with an acquaintance and was shocked at the power that these questions had on the two of them...
3. Send love letters and care packages
Remember how amazing it feels to actually get something in the MAIL? (Remember mail?) (No, the other kind. The good kind.) Whip together a steamy love letter and enclose it with some fun little gifts: a book of erotic poetry or a pair of your line-up-the-back stockings. Or you can go the good old-fashioned route and send home-baked goods. Just do it!
4. Phone sex (oh yeah)
I’ll let you do your own search on this. But the basics are to talk about what you’re wearing (or not wearing), how you make each other feel, and what you’re doing to yourself right now. Or what you wish he/she would do to you right now. You get the idea.
Want help learning “the language of desire”? Read THIS, girlfriend…
Btw, one of the best parts of phone sex is that you can unleash your fantasies. Work through your favorite sexual fantasy role play over the telephone line and see how long he’s able to hold off before calling you again for moremoremore… 🙂
5. Schedule regular visits
You might not be able to be together on a regular basis, but you can and should make definitely plans to visit each other.
While you’re together, hide some little love notes, secret messages, photos, playlists, small gifts and other treats for the other person to find later. Some great hiding places: cereal box, stack of dishes, coat pocket, sun visor, lingerie drawer…
6. Pursue some common hobbies together; encourage and support each other
If you both always wanted to run a 10k, start training together, even in your separate locations. Keep each other updated on your progress, and even arrange your first race to be during one of your visits!
Here are some other ideas:
- Bike a century
- Take a class online together
- Play a game together – board games, MMORPGs, whatever works
- Learn to speak a foreign language
- Plan a vacation or trip
- Build a website together or share a (private?) blog
- Watch a concert together
- Research each other’s family trees and share your results
How to let him know you’re interested in a (long-distance) relationship
This is actually much easier than you might think. Choose a good time when the two of you are face-to-face, and not under time deadlines or other stress. Then:
- Tell him some of the things you’ve enjoyed about your time together recently.
- Describe some of the things about HIM that you really like. Ways he makes you feel, qualities he has, skills or abilities you sincerely admire.
- Describe the kind of causal, long-distance dating relationship that you can envision with him. And keep it lighthearted, like this: “I could see us starting to really get to know each other over the next few months. We could Skype and email, and maybe I’ll finally tell you how I got that funny scar on my ankle…”
- Then ask him: “So. What do you think? Would you like for us to get to know each other a little better?”
Be sure to find out his initial expectations for how often you connect once you go back to long distance, but be willing to be flexible and open. This will be very much like a regular dating process, but will simply take a bit more time, intention, and willingness to adapt.
Ever done the long-distance thing yourself? Add your story below…
I’ve done this a few times, but never with someone I didn’t already know pretty well. If you have experience, advice, and helpful tips, leave a comment below and add your voice to the conversation…