Have you ever fallen for the wrong guy? Have you ever found yourself confessing tearfully to a close girlfriend, “I love him but he doesn’t love me back…”?
There’s not enough wine or ice cream in the world for that, is there?
But there’s a reason these things happen, and your job is to suss it out and fix it. That’s easier said than done, I know.
But take heart, you can figure out where you went sideways, and even better: you can get your heart back… A little bruised, perhaps, but all yours once again.
Hi Claire, I am Neenah and I have fallen in love with a man who doesn’t care about me. We work together and we talk, but when I sound serious he stops talking to me for a while. I am crazy about him! He is 46 yrs and I am 29 yrs, and I am madly in love. What to do? Desperately need your help. – Neenah
Hi, darling. Thank you for writing. And here’s my very first reaction: Move with caution! If this is a co-worker, you may endanger your job.
My second thought is that there may be an issue with your age difference. 17 years is nearly a generation’s worth of time, which means he’s almost old enough to be your father. The life desires, goals, and interests of a 46 year old can be very different from that of someone still in their twenties.
But here’s the main thing.
From what you’ve told me, he simply isn’t interested. In fact, it may be worse than that. You said, “He doesn’t care about me.” It sounds like he likes you enough to enjoy interacting with you on a friendly level, but that anything more chases him away.
So let me ask you this: Why are you so interested in a man who doesn’t love you back?
A man who doesn’t even “care” about you?
I’m not at all being flippant; I think you should seriously consider this.
We love the wrong people for a reason
You can’t always control who you fall in love with. But you CAN control what you do about it, AND what you learn about yourself from it…
When we love someone who doesn’t love us back, there’s some need in us, or some old unhealed hurt that we are trying to fill.
So call on a trusted girlfriend or an emotionally healthy mentor and see if you can work out what’s driving you. And while I can’t tell you everything about how to go about this or exactly what you’ll discover, I can tell you how to get started… (Actually I’ve already said it! But sometimes when you’re in the middle of stuff like this, it helps if someone lovingly tells you again… Ready? Here it comes.)
Here’s the single most powerful question you can ask yourself right now:
Is there a particular old injury or unmet need that is causing me to love someone who doesn’t love me back? How can I get help with healing this?
That’s the best place to begin figuring out how you got here. In fact, you may have suddenly thought of it just now. Sometimes these things work like dream interpretation: you have no idea what it means until you tell someone else and they start to ask you questions… Suddenly it clicks!
But even if it didn’t click just now, that’s okay. I know you’ll work at this until you solve it. Because if you don’t solve it, you’ll never understand yourself as well as if you go ahead and figure it out now.
Once you start to get a handle on that, move your focus to your basic emotional needs…
4 more questions to work through…
You may want to note that absolutely NONE of the questions below have anything to do with him, but everything to do with you… Why is that?
Because in order to attract and choose the man who is best for you, YOU need to be at your best!
1. What are the big goals of my life right now? Am I actively working toward my dreams?
2. What are some of the really interesting things about me? Am I giving my best gifts time in the spotlight? If not, why not, and how can I let myself shine?
3. Are my personal health and spirituality needs being met right now? What can I do, and who can I call on to get back to where I need to be?
4. What are the biggest things holding me back from a vibrant dating life? Am I putting myself where the guys are, and remaining happy and open to what life brings me?
As you begin to shift your focus away from this man who doesn’t love you and toward yourself, be ready to feel the normal kinds of breakup pain, and – this is important! – ALLOW yourself to feel that.
If you want a little extra help, check out this little book I wrote called You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps — it’s on Amazon for $3.
But don’t stay in the middle of that pain for too long. Because if part of what you want in life is an amazing man who thinks you’re are incredible and can’t wait to make you his forever, then you need to to…
Get out there and date!
Getting started dating again will help you stop putting all your focus on this one guy. Plus, you may finally meet that man you’ve been waiting for!
Remember what the best, healthiest, most amazing men are attracted to:
- genuine joy
- attractiveness to others (especially other men)
You can do this! Give your glittering, great heart to a man who will treasure it like the rare gem it is! You deserve every bit of good love in the universe.