Commitment

Should You Wait for Him or Move On?

Have you ever been marvelously in love with a man when suddenly, you began to wonder if the two of you have a future together?

How can you know if you should wait for him?

If you ASK, and he’s unsure about the future of your relationship, you suddenly start to have a thousand doubts… Should you wait for him? Or should you start the breakup process, so that eventually – after many tears, and more than a few new scars on your tender heart – you can move on with your life.

Ugh. Those moments are so incredibly painful.

The good news is that you DON’T have to endure that uncertainty.

There are some simple things you can do to ensure you never have to endlessly wonder…

And you can also find out pretty easily if this is the man for you!

Sound crazy? Keep reading…

“I have been in an exclusive relationship for 10 months. We have had many difficult moments and our relationship has been growing a LOT. I’m sooo in love with him and our relationship is day by day better. We had a talk about marriage but he isn’t too sure about that. I have some doubt and some things that maybe scare me too.

I don’t know how much I have to wait until we make a decision about marriage or if I am wasting my time and I have to go out with another guys…I’m freaking out because I don’t wanna be hurt or disappointed.” – Isabela 

PS: Thanks a lot. Sorry for my bad English but I speak Spanish better. 🙂

Hola bonita! Okay, that’s about the limit of my Spanish (I googled “How to say “Hello, pretty lady”), and I hope that makes you feel a little better, girlfriend. Your English is just fine!

First of all, relationships sometimes hurt.

I wish I could start my response to you differently, but pain is a part of life, and you just can’t reasonably expect to never have trouble or struggles of any kind. But it’s okay! You’re strong, and can weather whatever life brings you. Remember that, Isabela!

Now that that’s out of the way…

You have some work to do on this.

Normally I tell women not to wait on a man, but that’s not a hard and fast rule. However, if you are going to wait for him, then you should have the following things in place:

1. Know your timelineGet your man

In other words, you know how long you’re willing to invest in a man before you decide he is or isn’t serious (or marriage material, or ready for a wedding) and break up and move on.

AND…

2. Communicate that timeline with him

You need to be lovingly clear and let him know what that timeline is so that he can make his own decisions. This is NOT about ultimatums, threats, or drawing a line in the sand. It’s simple, heartfelt, clear communication.

Something like,

“I love spending time with you. You are such an amazing man! And I hope in the next two years or so I’ll be waking up next to the man I love every morning, knowing he’s going to be there for me no matter what, knowing I’ll have the honor of loving and supporting him for the rest of our lives together. I’m wondering if that man will be you. What do you want your life to look like two years from now?”

GREAT RESOURCE: How to set and communicate your dating goals and timeline

The ONE thing that’s scarier than not knowing…

You can easily spend some time thinking about and figuring out exactly what your timeline is. That would be MUCH better than this endless wondering if you should wait for him, wouldn’t it?

But the REAL scary thing is not the waiting, it’s the fear that you’ll get an answer that you won’t like.

You’ll know more about this than I do, but honestly, it doesn’t sound like that’s what is most likely to happen. The two of you have been together long enough to go through some problems together, you’ve grown a lot, you said, and that bodes so well for you!

But, here’s another way to think about this, kerida… (Thank you, Google translator.)

To figure out whether this is really the man for you, ask yourself these 10 questions…

  1. Is he deeply attracted to you?
  2. Do the two of you have similar foundational values?
  3. Does he make you a priority in his life?
  4. Do you feel amazing and strong and wonderful when you’re around him?
  5. Do you trust him completely?
  6. Do the people most important to you like him?
  7. Is he financially solid (or working to get there)?
  8. Does he want what’s best for you?
  9. Have you successfully been through some difficult things together, and come out better for it?
  10. Is he mature and willing to grow?

If you answered yes to most or all these questions, you are not “wasting your time” with him right now. Choosing to wait for him is your smartest move.

If your man scored terribly on these 10 questions, then yes, it’s time to gently break things off so that you can both be free to move into your future. It will really be the healthiest thing for you. And you should go ahead and break free, because you don’t want to delay meeting the man who WILL love and treasure your heart like the rare gem it is…

You can do this, beautiful!

Would You Like to FINALLY Find Yourself in the Arms of “The ONE” This Year?

wedding kissAre you ready to open that door that magically pulls men in?

If THIS is the year you are ready to let the RIGHT man find you, win your heart, and hold you in his arms forever, you need to check out this video by Michael Fiore, who was a bit of a “player” until one special woman made him beg to be hers (and only hers) forever...

--> Learn the 3 steps to make a man love you (forever!)

Discover how to unlock the powerful forces that make a man want to commit to ONE incredible woman — and put them to use on YOUR man.

xoxo Claire

Want More Love in Your Life?
Take my FREE Love Number Quiz, get access to private posts and free ebooks ONLY for you, and see YOUR questions about men, dating, and relationships... Answered!

21 comments on “Should You Wait for Him or Move On?

  1. Thanks for that amazing advice. For sure I recommend you to read CAPTURE HIS HEART.
    Thanks for everything!
    Xoxo

  2. Pingback: [QUIZ] Is THIS The Man for Me? - Ask Claire Casey

  3. Hi there,

    Thanks for the checklist to check is this guy really meant for you.

    First of all my answer is yes to all.

    But the thing is we have just broke up a month ago. And i know he still have feeling for us.

    So i was just wondering should i tell him the timeline that i set to wait for him?

    Or is there any other suggestions that i can work on to get back with him ?

    -jasline-

  4. Lisa LeRoy

    I have been waiting on a man I meet on match. Com that was 2 1/2 years ago to meet and spend time with him. Should I wait for him or not

    • Claire Casey

      I would say no, Lisa, especially if the relationship has gone nowhere in all that time. But YOU get to decide your own timeline, remember. Be sure to take another look at number 1 in the article, above, and the added link that talks about how to set and communicate your timeline. You got this! 🙂

  5. Hey! I’m in a similar boat. I met a man and I’m very sure he fell for me (that was 2 weeks ago or so). I didn’t give him the green light yet because he is tied to another woman. A friend of mine told me to forget this guy or only when he’s completely free should I consider him. I believe this is the right thing to do. Yet is it kinda wrong to hope for him? The thing is I’ll just keep on waiting like drinking tea or rather: observing. And i set an ultimatum to february. Without doing anything. Things have evolved like they have and i guess they’ll keep on evolving (though in not sure in which direction). Regards!
    Btw: this guy has been having a lot of emotional affairs lately (of which i were never a part of) which made me wonder initially and he kept on superficially falling in love with women. The first time i saw him i was sure he’s single because usually i have a gutfeeling for taken men 😉 oh my, why am i doing that (liking him) anyway?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Vera, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. No, a man who is not available (i.e., he’s married or “committed” to someone else) is NOT a good choice for you.

      You can tell by the sheer number of shares and comments on this post that getting out of a situation like that is no fun, and is very heard on your heart:

      http://askclairecasey.com/stop-mistress-get-life-back/

      You are totally right in thinking that you should move on, and forget about this guy. And if he says something to you, you can always tell him “Let me know when you’re single…” 🙂

  6. My long time partner for 171/2 years had cheated on me with young women of 28 years old in our neighborhood, I decided to move out of state to see if our life will change, the result failer he end up cheating on me with his employee and I busted him. When Reveal all what he had done to me, his excuses he has alot and his denies everything. What I do and I have done its not enough

    • Claire Casey

      Oh, sweet heart, I wish I had an easy answer for you. I know you must be in tremendous pain.

      It sounds like there are more issues than just the cheating Me Me, and you need to get help on all of them. If possible, I would advise you to get professional help — someone who specializes in this area — and begin working on your relationship right away.

      You’ll also need the support and encouragement of your most trusted and emotionally healthy friends and mentors, so draw on that as well.

      I wouldn’t throw out a good 18-year relationship without fighting to see if you can fix it first.

      My very best to you, beautiful woman. xoxo

  7. Hi.i met this guy a month ago n we clicked n had sex on the first date.he told me he’s poor in communication via phone.i did the calling n texting all the time until 3days ago we broke up cuz he said I was pushing him.he suggest we lay everything at rest n when we meet up all can be resolved.i like him so much.he prefer taking it slow since he had gone through alot(didnt know what he meant).should I wait for him like he said or do I move on?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Lucian, thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

      Since the two of you were together for such a short period of time, I’m guessing you did not both agree to be exclusive and not date any other people. So date him at a slower pace, and date other guys too. Have some fun!

      The end result is that you get both: a slower get-to-know-you pace on your relationship with this guy, and also the ability to allow other new relationships to develop.

      If what you are looking for is a long-term, committed relationship, then eventually you’ll find that same desire in one of the guys you’re dating. But until you BOTH agree to stop dating others because you believe you have a great match and want to focus on it (and you need to have a real conversation about it together), you should be dating more than one guy. I call this “casual” dating, because there’s just no way in the world to know for certain whether a man is going to be your partner for life in less than a month.

      Here’s an article that you may find helpful:
      http://askclairecasey.com/7-whip-smart-reasons-for-casual-dating/

      Hope this helps! xoxo

      Claire

  8. Hello Claire
    I have been dating this guy for four months now, he was so kind, caring and loving, he made me feel proud because he took me places and always introduced me to his friends but a month ago I moved out if the country we promised to wait each other, he told me how he want us to end up as husband and wife but for the last three weeks he acting so distance and when I asked he said he’s busy with work, later on he told me that he will be offline for a while that he is having personal problems, I asked him to share and he said he will do so when he feel comfortable about on coming back online on Monday he told that he will share what was bothering him with me on August when he go for vacation, I texted him back and he never talked back till now and he’s always online should I just carry on with my life.. I am crying myself off I love him but am feeling that he’s kinda pushing me away
    What should I do please am confused?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Sally. I know you’re feeling low and miserable, so I’m sending you my fiercest hugs.

      Now. The two of you were only dating for 4 months. Did you have an explicit conversation about becoming exclusive? Because 4 months — and knowing one of you is about to leave the country — is not much to base an exclusive relationship on. And if he’s already starting to shut down communications with you (even though you’ve been working to keep the lines open), that’s not a good sign that he’s in this for the long term.

      Why not consider some casual dating? You don’t have to be mean or “in your face” about it — do it for YOU, beautiful woman.

      On a last note, here are a couple of articles about maintaining a long distance relationship. It may help, but it may not have any effect at all for you at this stage. But it’s good information anyway…

      http://askclairecasey.com/long-distance-dating-how-to-overcome-the-top-5-challenges/
      http://askclairecasey.com/international-dating-make-relationship-work/

      xoxo Claire

  9. Hi Claire,

    Thank you for your article. I’ve been seeing a guy for about 1 1/2 months and Ive developed feelings for him, and so does he. But it seems that his ex isn’t over the whole breakup and she recently just told him that she is 3 months pregnant. At this very moment, he told me that he has to be responsible and have to deal with this before going any further with me. And I don’t know how Long this is going to go on.

    And this is the point where I feel unimportant? I’ve given myself a timeline and I’m hoping it goes well. It’s just unfortunate how things have to end. Its just the picking up and letting this feeling go and start over. I’ve been single for about 1 1/2 years and I was ready to get into a serious relationship.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Jesse — Sorry to hear of your deep, painful heart-bruise. And he’s right, he DOES need to figure out his situation (especially if there’s a baby involved) before going any further with you. It sucks, but it’s the right way to proceed.

      And here’s the thing: it’s a really good thing that he was being honest with you, rather than letting you find out later that he’s still involved with his ex, and about to be a daddy with her. Ugh. So, that’s a good thing in this awful situation. Another good thing is that you’re being smart about it, knowing your timeline, maintaining good communication.

      I guess I only have one small piece of advice for you (which you may not even need, smart sister!) and that is to go slowly. Don’t commit too soon to any guy. Date more than one man, and keep it casual until you both agree to be exclusive with each other.

      You got this, fierce soul. 😊 xoxo Claire

      • Thank you Claire for your comforting words and advice. I really needed it. To know that it is all going to be okay.

        Gonna try and embrace every moment right now and hope the right man comes along!

        Xoxo

  10. I a m in a relationships for 3years now,recently we don’t chart not visiting each others for past three months.I can feel that this man is see someone

  11. Hi 🙂 I found this site while thinking about my relationship with a guy whom I met in a chatroom. He’s American and I’m Vietnamese and we haven’t met each other. We’d talked for like 6 months and I told him I had feelings for him too. But he said he was afraid to hurt me and to take any further with me. So I left. We met again in the chatroom after 4 months I blocked him. And we’ve been dating online for 2 months. He said he would come to see me summer next year and he would come again and bring me back there with him. He always talks about the future this time and says he really wants to be with me and wants me to give him time and wait for him. I keep saying goodbye everytime when I feel sad and lonely and I don’t really believe in that beautiful future he’s said. But my chest hurts and I still can’t go. It was like a test. I told him I was running out of money; he said ask others because he was pretty poor. Is that because he doesn’t really trust me or he doesn’t want to spend or give anything to me. I never asked him about money before. He said he would love to spoil me though. I know it’s funny but I would like to get an idea about this. I want to have dates and spend time with him not over Skype getting jealous of other couples. I don’t know if this will come to a happy ending, if I should try and fight for this. He never asked my number. Please tell me what I should do. I need your advice. Thank you 🙂

    • Claire Casey

      Hi there Nhi Bui. I would never advise someone to commit to a man until you’ve met him, spent time in person with him, and know him pretty well. I think your best bet is to date men where you are, and if the other relationship ends up getting going too, great. Then you have your pick of men. But it sounds like you are running the risk of committing way too soon. Take care of yourself, your life, and your heart, beautiful woman. {{{hugs}}} Claire

      • Thank you very much Ms. Claire. Yes sometimes I think it’s silly to date someone I’ve never met. I understand it may be different when we meet in person 🙁 I hoped too much and now I’m afraid to get disappointed. I don’t think I could wait for that long. I told him I wanted to stop. I can’t talk to someone and still keep talking to him. I couldn’t sleep last night and he’s always on my mind 🙁 But I think when I’m single and ready, someone might come. Thanks again Ms. Claire 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *