Inspiration

Darling, Stop Looking Back

Darling, I know it’s tempting to look backward. I know you keep thinking about your ghosts. The past is so sticky, isn’t it? It’s like a spoiled child, wanting all your attention. But you must let the past find it’s own place in the world, because you are here, now, and you are looking forward. As you let go of the old snapshots and ghosts of the past that no longer serve you, the future rushes in, shining.

Ghosts of the Past

Quiet reflection questions to help you stop looking back

  1. What old snapshots or ghosts are you clinging to that are blocking your way?
  2. How can you mentally retire them with love?
  3. Dare to see yourself as fully present, entirely whole, and wildly loved.

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xoxo Claire

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3 comments on “Darling, Stop Looking Back

  1. Dear Claire,

    I found out that the man who I have an open relationship broke the only rule we had – sleeping with someone and not telling the other. The woman involved KNEW we where together and still went after him (we have mutual friends and one told me what she said to him) and after reading the messages convinced him not to tell me because it would only be drama and that it could be just their secret thing. BTW I have to meet this woman due to our tied interest in something in another week. I had asked to get to know her and she would not respond to me which set off my woman radar saying something was not right – then when I saw the messages she was flipping out because I had asked her to be friends (truly not knowing anything was going on at that point)

    Anyhow – I confronted him and told him he broke the rule – by the time we where done talking (it was hours) he was honestly remorseful (as soon as I stopped my tirade of how could he do it (which brought him to tears) he said he was waiting for me to slap him because he deserved it. We both opened up a great deal and I said I don’t know where it left us – he said he understood it is my choice on where we go from here. I said I was sorry for looking at his messages – he said I had every right to since I was not the one who did anything wrong.

    Knowing stuff about him that I won’t put here (just say he has a baggage train but as he said before many times he is thankful that I put up with it all – I always say its because I love you unconditionally and that you are working on the baggage) I chose to give us a clean slate and if it was to ever happen again we will no longer be even friends, something we have been for seven years. I did tell him as we talked that first night of the whole mess that I would like for our relationship to be closed but I know that won’t solve anything because he COULD still go behind my back. I have never met anyone I wanted to go for more than coffee with so I have not – but there was one fellow that was an old friend and he got all “funny” when I went on a date with him. he asked if I was planning on doing more and I said no but that feeling you have right now is not fun is it? He also knows that I had been on dates I did not tell him about (since that is not the rule) and he asked if I slept with any and I said no – but once again that feeling is not a good one you just got is it? He just looked down at the ground…

    Claire, I am having a super hard time not thinking about the messages I saw – this woman convinced him not to tell me and she knew we had rules and she did not care.If I really had to say it was like she gaslighted him (have an ex that would gastlight me so i know it sadly) I have never flipped out the two times he has told me things happened with others (this was over a year ago) I know a woman who flipped that he told me that they may do something together – she in fact dropped me as a friend saying it made her feel uncomfortable that I knew. However he still made the choice to NOT tell me…

    Part of me wants to ask him to see his messages to her since then – The last I saw was her saying our friend was telling her what they did was hurting me – this was prior to me finding out by maybe a few hours. He never replied back because he had not seen it yet.

    He told me the other night that he may go to the area she lives in to see some other friends (which I know are there) and he swore he would not be seeing her. I said ok (but in a meek voice because its only been a week since I found out and it still hurts) he said but you are not ok with it so I won’t go and you have no reason to believe me honestly – I said no go because I need to get past this – I told you I would give you another chance and I have to believe that

    so:

    1. he asked me to at least say hello to this woman in another week when we all have to meet for an event. My normal would be to ignore her totally – not in a mean way but just not acknowledge her. I really don’t want to – I have no idea what they have said since then but he told me if she started to talk about me – he will defend me and us. He will choose me. The other fellow said the same to me – he will not tolerate any thing from her that is negative towards me.
    I don’t know what to do…I was always taught to be nice to everyone so this is really hard knowing how she talked about me.

    2. How do I get myself to not think about the whole mess that happened? I do not want to ask to see his phone etc. I have been cheated on before by other guys – but either did not have the strength to say enough of this or they walked away from me. He has promised me several times that it will not happen again (breaking the rule). I don’t want to have this as a nasty shadow in every turn. I really do want to do as I promised and give a real second chance.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Wendy. The two of you have a massive case of broken trust. You broke it by going through his messages, he broke it by not telling you about this other woman.

      It’s going to take a lot of time and effort to get that trust back. You’re not going to be able to simply “not think about it” if you plan to heal and re-grow your relationship with your man. You can read an article I wrote about building trust here:

      http://askclairecasey.com/can-convince-wont-cheat/

      And no, you don’t have to befriend, be “nice” to, or even meet his other girlfriend if you don’t want to…

      xoxo Claire

  2. Dear Claire,

    Thank you and we are committed to moving forward.

    Thankfully she is far from a girlfriend and looks at him like a toy…she will get bored and leave (it’s kind of nice knowing how she works from another person)

    Thank you again!!!

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