Breakups and Recovery

How to Stop Being His Mistress (And Get Your Life Back)

stop being his mistress

He was just so sweet when you first met him, and clearly he thought you were hot. Yes, you knew he was married, but you never, ever (ever!) thought of yourself as a man’s “mistress.”

That’s for Victorian romance novels, right?

But that’s what you’re doing, agreeing to be his mistress, his “sugar on the side.”

Which, sadly, means that you’ll never be his main dish, the woman he’d slay dragons for, the woman of his dreams.

The single BIGGEST reason women have relationships with married men

Most women simply fall or wander into a relationship with a married man, and don’t think about the consequences until much later.

After all, it feels so good to be receiving masculine attention! That’s what you want, isn’t it? And this guy is clearly hungry for a good woman – he picked you, didn’t he?

So you ignore all the danger signals, let things take their course, and suddenly you look up and realize you’ve completely lost two years of your life.

There are SO MANY reasons it’s painful; that’s just one. (There’s a POLL below and you can tell me what really sucks about dating a married man…)

Ugh, what a mess.

What now? How do you stop being his mistress, win back your life, and finally get the lasting love you crave?

“Hi Claire! For the last two years, I have been seeing a married man. His marriage is dead, most of his spare time he was with me, there never was a call from his wife or kids. He never speaks about his familiy, I never ask. But now his phone has been stolen and the thief is blackmailing him with our txts and mails and has send them to his kids (26 and 17). For me it would be the best time to split up with his wife, but I guess he doesn’t want to loose his ‘structure’… but I love him… but what can I do?” – Paula

I can do this one in three words, Paula. Break up now.

(I can actually do it in one: Run.)

the other womanYOU break up with him, don’t wait for him to do anything, because clearly he isn’t going make good decisions or he’d be working things out with his family or else be cleanly divorced by now.

Incidentally, the reason this cell phone thief has legit power over him is that all those texts and calls with you can be used against him in court. Meaning, his legal wife can reasonably get a much better settlement because he had (is having) an affair, after having made certain legal commitments to her.

Which you may not care about, except that you should know that not only is his life about to get really nasty for a good long while, but even if he did get divorced to marry you, you’d be next in line for the same treatment.

Who would sign up for that? Nobody, that’s who.

So what do you do to stop being his mistress? 6 things…

1. Start seeing other (good, available, unmarried) men.

Even if it’s painful or you really miss your married guy, start dating so that you can begin to remember how good it feels to be with a man who has REAL potential for fulfilling your relationship dreams.

2. Stop sleeping with the married guy.

The more you have sex with him, the more you chemically bond, and the harder it is to detox.

3. Break it off cleanly with him.

Plan what you are going to say, and pick a good time and place to tell him. Do it quickly (no more than 30 minutes) and DON’T let him whine, plead, or cajole you into changing your mind. Do this for YOU.

You deserve ALL of the RIGHT man's heart...

romance addictUnlock the powerful forces that make the right man want to stop seeing other women (no matter how hot they are) and ONLY see you...

--> 3 steps to make a man love YOU (and only you)

Crawl into your man’s mind and soul and make him not just fall in love with you… but also COMMIT to you on such a deep, primal level he can barely understand it himself.

Watch this video and find out how one ordinary woman captured the heart of a committed "player," and made an honest man out of him!

4. Call in your support system.

Now more than ever you need your family and your best girlfriends to help you keep on track. Call them, lean on them, and let them support you through the next few months.

5. Begin the disentangling process.

This may be more or less complicated, depending on how long you’ve been together.

  • Move into your own place.
  • Block his calls and texts.
  • Get rid of anything you own “together” or else agree who will take over that item. (This happens with pets a lot.)
  • Stop seeing and talking to his friends and/or relatives.
  • Find new restaurants, coffeeshops, and hangouts that are yours; not the places the two of you shared.
  • Get his stuff out of your apartment.
  • Get your stuff back from him, or let it go for good.
  • Stop cooking for him, contacting him, or checking in with him.

It can’t be over if you constantly keep the relationship on life support, or allow him to do the same.

6. Take very good care of yourself.

This is so important! Don’t hole up with your DVDs and your take out. Start exercising, get your hair done, eat healthy.

Deciding to be a man’s mistress was a giant step backward in your self-care, so start taking some steps forward again! A future of love and satisfaction is waiting for you.

More encouragement, love, and support for YOU…

This is INCREDIBLY hard for you, I know. It’s hard to stay in, hard to make change.

So I’ve written another article that may help…

READ MORE: 5 Reasons It’s SO HARD to Break Free From Your Married Boyfriend (and What to Do Now)

xoxo Claire

 

 

Notebook image by Quella on We Heart It

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87 comments on “How to Stop Being His Mistress (And Get Your Life Back)

  1. You missed one, Claire. There are times when you know up front or figure out quickly if the person is already taken, and there are the ones that you just don’t know, and may not know until you are deep into a relationship (at which point you have the right to immediately jump ship).

    You think you can spot them, and can figure out all the signs, but, sometimes, despite your best efforts it’s not always visible. They don’t wear a ring and have none of the usual behaviors of men with partners. They are really good at showing you their love in every way…and at something I call “lying by omission” (the idea that as long as they don’t say the words, they have not told a lie and are therefore still being honest). A double life is never honest, spoken or not. listen carefully to the words they choose – or don’t use; language can be oh so subtle…

    in written contracts and in life the devil is in the details.

    burned but rising from the ashes.

    • Claire Casey

      Thanks for the additions, Phoenix. Sounds like you’ve learned from experience, but have moved on and up. Good on you.

      • Hi I really need help moving on. My life fell apart when my partner found out I was having an affair with my co worker. I tried protecting him, he had always said that he would never leave his wife for me. I accepted that.

        I’m just starting afresh and in a good place mentally, my ex and I are getting on well, but I’m still seeing my co worker. We both have told each other that we love one and other. I know he’ll never leave his “perfect family” that’s his prerogative, he has to live with his decisions now not me.

        Ii’m moving into my own flat and asked him for some help, not financial but just DIY. He said he would think about it?! How can you just think about it when you say you love someone?!! This is another bail in the coffin for me. I desperately want to move on from his grip, but find I always get pulled back. I’ll never be third or fourth place. Something will always come before me….. I just need that final push to make me move on but I’m finding it hard

    • Hi, my name is Eda, I’m so unhappy and miserable about my life and I don’t know how to move on and handle it. I sometimes want to run away without thinking everything. I have been sleeping with my coworker past two years and he has a girlfriend. He is a doctor and I’m a nurse. We do surgeries together. When we saw each other at the first time, we felt the chemistry! He was dating a girl past 3 months at that time. His gf moved to Saint louis from San Diego. If she doesn’t move he was going to break up with her and he asked me to date with him but I said no.. Then, I started dating someone but we slept. After that we just text each other once a while..his girlfriend learned everything and he promised her to not see me again. He kept his promise only 6 months then we started seeing each other more then ever. Sometimes, couple of times a week at my place or in the hospital’s call room. His girlfriend found our text again and he said nothing happened and she believed.. Unfurtunuatly, we are still together. I see him at the hospital all the times. Sometimes, I made a decision to not see him and don’t text him then he texts me. Then I start again.. I feel terrible about myself and I really want to tell his girlfriend about everything. I know that I can’t do it. I feel like she needs to know, on the other hand I’m trying to find a way to move on from this massy relationship. I can’t leave my job and he will be finishing his residency next 4 years. I’m so depress. Please help

      • What if you’re boyfriend who is married is not not yet divorced and they are still okay? The guy said that he’s serious and he wants to be with the girl forever until he dies,and the guy also talked to the parents of the girl?

        • Hi. I am in the same situation. He said that he loves me but he s not yet separated or annulled.. what didyou do?

    • anonymous

      it’s been 6 years, and given he went through a lot of struggle in his professional life, he didnt leave – to his family he gave stability and happiness, me – i was the shoulder to cry on and to take it out all on..and he always found some reason or the other to not leave right now..while i put my life on hold, while i kept putting off my family who wanted me to settle down… after arnd 5 yrs when i really pressurized him big time, he put things on me – he will say he wants a divorce but wanted surity that i would stick around if his wife drags the legal case..and that i had always been very pushy asking him to get divorced now, and it is all my fault…plus i found out he had been lying to me over the last many months that he had been talking to his wife about divorcing etc….welll i broke up – and then he got in contact with me again recently..saying he is going thru so much pain – and i had been committed and ready to live it out..he wud have walked out of his marriage – he is going thru health issues – and it is all because of me..he wants me to say i will stick around if his wife drags (and now i believe she will)..my family situation is not such that i can do that..i would ofcourse not be accepted by him family..and i don’t know this time he will be telling me the truth..and i don’t think i can handle the trauma, the insecurity, the pain all over again, i feel broken, and more so i don’t know if i should risk most precious years of my life again, and then be at his mercy as in another 5-10 yrs i would not be able to settle down afresh..what should i do..i am scared either way i maybe making the wrong decision…

      • Hi dear… Dont knw whether my reply is too late… But I understand you completely… There is only one solution… Move away… Geographically… Cut off all the contacts… Get a new phone number.. Block him in social media…meet new people.. Get new experiences.. Thats the only way… Trust me…
        At first you will feel like your heart is going to be ripped… N u will always want to run back to him… But believe me… It will fade away… U r overcoming your addiction to him… Good luck!

    • I’ve found out I’m in the second situation you describe – it sucks and I feel I’ve wasted so much time and energy 🙁

  2. Monogamy is just a convention. It doesn’t work for everyone.

    • Claire Casey

      It’s true that monogamy is a social convention, Sophia, but in this situation the issue is more about honesty. This situation actually highlights some of the problems with deception in a relationship. Paula’s married boyfriend has put himself in a position where he can be blackmailed. This lets me know that his wife and/or older children aren’t aware that he has decided to have sex with a different woman. There are also legal implications with this when it comes to divorce, alimony, and custody decisions. Not to mention the fact that Paula herself is getting far less than she wants out of the situation. If Paula’s boyfriend has carefully considered the issue then decided that monogamy is not for him, his first step is to get a clean divorce. It sounds to me like he’s just following his penis, rather than behaving like an actual grown-up.

  3. Pingback: 9 Signs He's Wrong For You - Ask Claire Casey

  4. In any case being with married man, not all men are alike.
    That’s because you need to know the reason behind why the man is divorcing his wife.
    Yes, definitely because of infidelity, but this is not the man having an affair; in fact, now is the Wife having an affair, the other way round.
    So, the divorce isn’t about me, am I still considered his mistress? He already filed for divorce even before I knew him. It’s just that the procedures/formality issues with court are not done yet.
    Now, in this case, does it still mean he will have other woman even if he marry me after his divorce?
    Last but not least, I appreciate your prompt reply. Thanks!
    Best Regards.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Yee — You’re right, sometimes it’s the wife who had an affair, but if a man is still legally married, he’s married and things are not finished yet. Anything can happen — they can still get back together, for instance. Also, where I live, there are legal issues if a man (or woman) is caught with another while the divorce proceedings are happening… So yes, if you are seeing a married man, you are still his mistress, and it’s still not the best situation for either of you. I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, darling. 🙁

      • I thought I posted in response to why want a boyfriend. He is divorced 5 years ago and is totally done with his exwife. He’s “scared” to go beyond loke and bf/gf stage because of his ex wife so he says. I just feel like an acquaintance. He’s a really good man; however, would it be better for me to invest my time and emotion in a man who wants a future with me rather than “waiting” for this good man to get to the point where he will be courageous enough to take a chance on me? We’ve known each other 9 months after meeting lots of other people via online sites. I really like him (was falling in love with him), but I feel so lonely in this relationship.

        • Claire Casey

          No problem, Doris. I responded to you in the comments on the other article. 🙂

        • I was in several affairs from 40 to 50. I wish I could go back in time and erase them all and be a faithful loving partner to my husband. He did it too but once.
          Married men are soooo not worth the air they breathe for single or married woman woman. You will always be at the bottom of his list unless he is divorced or separated. Don’t sleep with them ever…

          Best decision you’ll ever make.

  5. My husband of 9 years left me for another woman…3 years later, im the other woman. How I got here I don’t know. But this man im seeing is married, with kids, to his second wife….he is an amazing guy that she doesn’t appreciate. He cooks, cleans, works, goes to school, and more. He’s a great dad from what I’ve seen. And an amazing friend to me. When I had my boyfriend and things went bad he had me come over just to hug me and make me feel better. We don’t have much time together because of our crazy schedules but he makes me so happy. I truly believe he loves me, but I know I’m a sucker too. He has done so much more than any man I know “just for sex”. He takes big risks to see me… I could be caught up in all this, and I know he’s not going to leave her….he already pays a lot in child support to his first wife….im trying to end it now but then I see him….im hopelessly in love. I don’t see how this could have played out differently. I wouldn’t have been able to say no to him. I’m not a very strong woman….here’s to hoping I can end it soon, I know I deserve more, deserve better, but I still wish it was with him.

    • Claire Casey

      You sound pretty smart to me, Candy. And yeah, you DO deserve better. I hope you’ll start dating other guys soon so that you can invest your love in a man who will treasure you — and ONLY you. <3

    • HI Candy,
      I totally understand where you coming from. I have been seeing a person about a year and half, and in the beginning he told me his wife drive him crazy and mean, verbally abusive, and he has to leave her. I asked him when he is leaving but he didnt’ know when because he has 2 kids between them.

      she moved out of state with kids, and abondoned him and his house and doggs, so i thought they will go through divorce, but she just won’t leave him alone. Now he started to go there and see her and their kids. He doesn’t text me or call me whenever he is up visiting them.

      I see him almost everyday here, and he is always there for me, kind, sweet, funny, intelligent, I am really good friends with his parents too. I see them quite often, few times a week, hang out play games, just have good time with them.

      I am also trying to end this, whatever call this relationship, because I know he is not going to leave his wife. She knows that I visit him often, and we go places… even though she treated him really bad before, now she wants him back because someone else wants him. And everytime when she is sweet to him, he is fooled to go back to her. and I am madly in love with him. I know this is not a healthy relationship, but I just do not have guts to tell him to breakup. I asked him I will stick around as long as I have chance between us, and he said ok. But I know obviously I don’t.

      I am lost, and I still want to be with him. I know this sounds very stupid, but I just do not know what to do. Don’t wanna lose him.

  6. Thanks for this Casey..=) Happy to read this…if you only knew.. I also want your book(is that a book?or an online or in person course),The “I’ll help you capture His Heart…” unfortunately I’m from the Philippines, don’t know if we have it here… and another thing its expensive… But thank you,I still have the chance to read this article. More powers!=).
    -love Regine.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Regine — Capture His Heart is entirely online, so you don’t have to worry about finding it in a bookstore near you; it’s as close as your computer screen. If you ever change your mind, it’s there for you, gorgeous. Meanwhile, feel free to stick around and get anything that might help you out of all the articles and other content. 🙂

      xoxo
      CC

  7. Hi Claire. Really glad to read this article and knew that “I’ll help you capture his heart” is for free. Anyway, I am still with the married man, and for the record we have 5 months old baby. I really wanted to get out of the relationship and get my life back and start anew with my son however I am right now jobless and couldnt afford to raise my child alone yet since I am still seeking for a stable job. It really hurts me a lot and its really hard for me thinking about my son’s future. I just hope and pray that one day I could get a good and stable job to get rid of being a married man’s side dish. God will provide for us. I trust in him.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Jesse — Yes, a good job is your next step, and I also hope the baby’s father is helping to care for your child. You have a hard path ahead, but you’re on your way. Don’t forget to call on family and friends to help you. Much love to you.

      • What if you have no family and friends truly……? Then the struggle is horroible. And let’s me ho estate their isn’t support groups for women like us.

        • Sorry auto correct. Let me be honest, there isn’t any support groups out there for women who are the “other women”, and have no support system.

          • Claire Casey

            Hi, Crystal — If you have no family or friends, then that’s a great place to begin some of the work you need to do to rebuild your life.

            And when I write about getting support, I mean exactly that: lean on friends and family who love and can support you, not a “support group” like a 12-step program you might find meeting in a church or community center somewhere.

            Another kind of support is much more expensive, and less available to anyone who doesn’t have a solid income, and that’s a professional counselor or therapist.

            But if you have a good network of emotionally-healthy friends, that’s one of the best assets you could EVER have in your life!

            Today is a great day to begin rebuilding! xoxo

          • Yes there is. SLAA – sex and love addicts anon. A group very geared towards the love addiction that comes from being the other woman,

          • Claire Casey

            Thanks for the additional info, SM. It wasn’t what I was talking about originally, but it’s definitely a potential resource for help! Thanks again. CC

    • Hi.. same situation here… i also dont know how to run out from this guy because of a child our daughter.. he has an extreme bad behavior.. he became so bossy when it comes to me.. he treats me like a nanny to my child instead of treating me like a mom… pls gve me some more advice if i really need to leave this man and let him fixed his real family..

  8. chrissy

    I’ve been reading all the story’s. .
    ive been a mistress for nearly 3 yrs now.with promises that he would leave his partner…I totally believed him…ive totally fell head over heels in love but know it’s wrong and want to get out of it but finding it very hard …
    He says he loves me and wants a life with me..he’s always been good with ..weeks away. Weekends away…ive told before it was over as I didn’t want to be the other woman as I’m worth more then that. ..He begged me not to leave him and to have faith in him.he makes me feel quilty..is partner does know about us…but now I don’t want this..I have arranged to meet him to finish it but would really like some please on how to do it and mean it….thank you

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Chrissy — Good for you for deciding to claim your life back. As far as what to do, just follow the steps in the article and you should have a good start.You can do this! xoxo Claire

  9. chrissy

    Thank you Claire. ..It will be hard but im meeting to tell him tommorrow. ..I have to do this for me I know I do.x

  10. Hi there. I divorced my husband due to abuse back in 2008. A man i worked with hit on me one night when we were out with a group of people. I said no. He wrote me every night and said he wanted me. It felt good to be wanted. After a month, I gave in. It is now 2015 and it has dwindled down to spur of the moment texts either by cell or more recently, Facebook. I would like to call him my addiction, a problem i keep trying to solve (figure out). Through our time together, he has hit on my girlfriends, some he has actually done. He admitted to doing two women in one night. I am very angry with him, i feel sorry for him, but I have never dealt with this ever… Never has this kind of man been allowed to be with me. I had very low self esteem when i said yes to him for the first time.

    I cant stop thinking about him. I wonder if he is ok, is he doing his wife or someone else or am i going to be the lucky one tonight??? This is the most horrible feeling in the world. I am 45 years old. I want to find someone who deserves my love. But i cant stop thinking about him. He is everywhere i turn (usually). He has been caught on yahoo chat by his wife with someone, he recently said don’t text me anymore, only Facebook. we got new phones and my texts were going to both phones. Probably stupidly used his apple id for both phones and she saw my text and others. Clearly, he is not a keeper. He has some serious issues. I want to know why a woman would go thru such great lengths to keep a man who does this stuff? How much does she know? Is it love when a woman does everything to hold on to someone that is not faithful? He has made it clear that he wants to stay married. I get that. He is very determined. Knowing this and having questions i will never have answered, i do not recommend anyone ever take on a married man. It makes you feel special at first, but i can tell you first hand that being second best, third best makes me feel horrible. Its been 2 months since i have been with him. We have not said stop or nothing. Just have not been together. It’s time to cut the cord. Any advice on how to move on when he was there for over 6 years, its like we were married but we weren’t.

    • Claire Casey

      Oh, lonely, I’m so sorry to hear your painful story. I wish I could hug you really hard. You’ve been through hell, but you know what? I hope you’ll decide to start with step one in the article above and make your clean break for freedom. You deserve a man who loves and deeply values you and you alone. If you can get help to dig yourself out of the old rut, call in a trusted friend or mentor; get professional help if you possibly can. Much, much love to you, beautiful woman. I KNOW you can do it. xoxo Claire

  11. babyface67

    Im single and was having an affair with a married man. I always swore i would never do this as i have been cheated on in the past. My partner died 16 months ago , my soul mate , my best friend. The man i was seeing i knew for a few years but never even guessed he liked me that way. He let me know his feelings a few months after my partner died , he said he wanted sex as he hadnt had sex with his wife for 3 years as he no longer found her sexually attractive , but he said from the start he would not leave his wife and would not allow himself to have any feelings for me. 2 months later he told me that he had fallen in love with me . He would tell me all those lovely things that i was a loving caring sexy lady , he would tell me that he missed me and how much he loved me , yet he loved his wife , how can you be “in love” with someone you dont fancy ? They have no children together. I asked him if he feels guilty doing what he did and he said no. How can you love 2 different women and it not mess your head up at all ? . I ended it a few months ago for several weeks , but like a fool started talking again to him. He said that he missed me very much and that he was hurt. I have now 3 months after seeing him again ended it . I feel like he took advantage of my vulnerable situation regarding my partner dying and never had these feelings for me at all . I know i should never of started seeing him in the first place , he said he has never had an affair before but i dont know if i believe him, i know he will not contact me again as i really feel he never really cared to begin with. This is a very big lesson learnt . Never again

    • Karenell

      I was in your situation. It hurts so bad bit I knew it was best to let it go and move on. Like you, I learned a very valuable lesson. Love me more….Blessings.

  12. Beautifullybroken

    Hello. Pls don’t judge me. I am Abigail .I have a friend that is happen to be married. His family is in the other state, while he is here in our town for business. At the beginning, I was hesitant to make friends with him coz I know he is married. But I could not resist that I’m attracted to him… After he asked for my number, first few months, he’d been constantly calling me instead of texting me… And even part of our conversation was about his family, his wife and kids… And when I felt comfortable with him, he suddenly kissed me one time and there, something happened. It all started from there. We would go somewhere else just to do it. My conscience were killing me. But half of me knows that it’s just with benefits and it felt good. No strings attached. And I know for the fact that I should never allow myself to fall for him. And this time, slowly, gradually, he withdraws from calling me, telling me his wife is suspicious already. And the last thing I know is that we hardly see each other and talk to each other anymore. I know deep within me, I should not expect something from him.. And I know this time is the perfect time to stop this affair or friendship.. I do miss him but I need to do the right thing. Pls do help me… How? How am I going to totally not think about him? How am I going to let him go and not looking for him? How can I forget a friend?

    • Karemell

      Break things off. You will only very left heartbroken and in pain. He WON’T leave his wife…….instead, he’ll do all that he can to fix the marriage including blame everything on YOU. YOU meant nothing to him. It was the fact that he was out of town and lonely….etc., etc., etc. I’ve been here before. And it doesn’t feel good nor does it end well for you. End it now, save yourself a lot of heartache and pain. Trust, it’s not worth it. Blessings.

  13. stupid from the start

    There is a guy who was already married for 5 months on his girlfriend for more than 3 years. They had a daughter which is 4 months old. 2 years ago that was 2013, this man fell inlove with and so do I.. That time he said they were over but I found out the girl is still living in his family’s house. His family never knew me, I was really hurt because he can’t even introduce me to his family, he doesn’t do anything to prove his love to me.. Our relationship that time only last 4 months because I can’t take it being his 2nd. So I decided to end it I removed any possible communication he can to get in touch with me. But deep in my heart I was waiting for him. Because I really love him, in fact he even know my house so if he truly love me he should’ve tried to pursue me but he never did. 2 years later that was this year 2015, on April he messaged me through Facebook, and was apologizing for what he has done. I forgive him, though I still hope we still have 2nd chance then I found out he was already married and has a daughter in that same girl it totally crush me but I accept the fact there will never be “US” anymore. When I was about to pick up the pieces of myself he confessed that he still love me, and will always love me. At first I was hesitant but then I was weak I fall again. And yes I admit I’m becoming his mistress though I tried to escape myself from it, everytime I felt I’m dying.. I still regret that I gave up on him before. Now I always think I don’t want to loss him again. He said he loves me, do I have to stop this stupidity?? I really love him..

    • I’ve been and still am in a similar situation except that I havent slept with him and have been clear that I dont do half assed. Every few months he recontacts me but he is still together with his girlfriend. That is not love. That is just him being safe and thinking with his dick. For him you are a safer option because you havent tattletaled on him with his wife and you seem like the perfect person to have an affair with which you have proven thus far. Love is stupid, but hon there are more important things in your life like your own self love. If your love for another person is greater than your love for yourself, you are Not ready for a relationship and you have to work hard on your selfesteem going to therapy and making a life for yourself outside of dating and men. O wont deny your feelings, they are real but for a deep true love in the level of the soul there has to be respect and recíprocity. Quit this love, work on yourself and open yourself for the real thing.

  14. Reema Ashleey

    Hi I am Reema, I’ve been a other woman for almost 3 years now. I gave everything to him. I ignore everything for him. I’m in a relationship, but why should I feel like I am alone. Now he broke up with me for the reason that he didn’t like what I did. I don’t know if he just jelous or because somebody ask me a favor which is a married man also, but those we’re my friends. And because I did the favor he got mad and told me that he never trust me. Many times he broke up with me. usually the reason is because of other guy. I have a lot of boy friends…and I think he didn’t like it. especially if I am too close to a person. I tried to avoid texting him, calling him but I can’t. Everytime I saw our pictures together there’s something inside me that I want to come back to him. It’s like for me he is the only one can comfort me that way I want. I love him so much and it hurts. I want to be with him again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to start..I feel so alone.

  15. Connie Israel

    Hi Claire,

    I’m somehow a mistress but he’s not married, her gf is working abroad. We are seeing every now and then for almost 2 yrs now. I really want to stop whatever relationship we have right now yet I don’t have the courage to let go of him maybe because I’m used to be with him and do things with him. By next year his gf will come home and I don’t want to be his mistress anymore. Please help me, I really need some advice.

    Thankyou ?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Connie. Even though you are not dating a married man, you can still use the steps I listed in the article above to break free and get your life back. Once you put step #1 into place, things begin to get MUCH easier. Why not give it a try? You only have good things to gain. xoxo Claire

  16. Hi Claire…i fell in love with a married man…at first he told me that he was single 3 years after i found out he is married…i dont know what he wants because he seems to confide in me alot….his wife is much older than him and all they do is argue and fight…they have a pair of twin together 3 years old and they go to school and tell their teacher how mom and dad fight and curse bad word…when they argue they wish bad upon each other…move out come back up…am so confuse..am so young..i need guidance…i want to be happy again…yet still i feel like he is the man for me.

  17. Hi, I’m Crystal.
    I met my, and Is use the term loosely, but I met him online. We instantly became friends. Eventually we traded numbers and that was it. We eventually after months made our relationship official and decided to meet soon. Soon turned into over a year. We both became addicted and dependant on one another. Things didn’t add up, but I believed him and his lies. I am 43, he is 41.
    One night his wife contacted me on Twitter. Told me they’ve been married 8 years, have a 16 yr old daughter and have known each other for 20 years! I was shocked and devastated. She seemed ok with it? He begged me to stay. Said he’s leaving her as neither are happy. 2 months later we finally met face to face. It was intense. But then he went back to make plans to move out, to be with me. It’s now 5 months later and he’s not made one move closer to be with me. What am I to him? Help?

  18. Dear Claire, thank you for opening up this space to talk a little a bit about this. It’s such a painful subject and so hard to talk about with others because it’s so “not done”. Last year I finally got out of a relationship where I was the mistress for three years, with a couple of break ups in between. It’s so addictive, the pattern with someone who’s not really available. Now a year later, I feel much better, but also still miss him every day. That’s why I had to break off all connections with him, he’ll always be attractive, and I have crossed my own lines so often before with him.

    It’s so good to share these stories I think,
    It starts off so seemingly innocent and before you know it weeks turn into months etc.
    And then its so hard to leave.
    Afterwards its very important to look at why it was ok for to settle into a relationship where you are putting yourself in a very painful, uncomfortable position. I’ve learned a lot, the very very hard way.

    Thank you for posting on this subject!

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Yu — Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad this was helpful for you, and I’m sorry about all the pain you’ve had to go through. But wow, you’re amazing! You broke the pattern, so good for you, girlfriend.

      And as weird as it sounds, it’s actually helpful to hear that the pain is still there, and that you have to work hard to maintain your resolve to stay the course of what’s best for you… Good word.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

      By the way, this subject has been so important for so many readers that I’ve written a new post about it that will publish next week; I’ll try to remember to come back here and add a link to it. It’s called something like “Why Breaking Free from Your Married Boyfriend is SO HARD (but so worth it).”

      xoxo
      Claire

  19. Claire Casey

    If you’re following the comments on this article about how to stop being his mistress, I have an update for you. I know this is hard, and it just doesn’t get easier.

    So I’ve written an article that may be helpful for you. It’s about the specific reasons WHY this it’s so hard to break free from your married boyfriend, and exactly what you should do now.

    You can see it here:
    http://askclairecasey.com/why-hard-break-up-married-boyfriend/

    Sending you hugs… xoxo Claire

  20. Kaileen levy

    I’ve met a married man who is older than me for a 10 yrs.he said was looking for a girl maybe good in bed. Evrytime we see each other all he wants is have it. And because i like him too. But my mind continuosly disagree what im doing. After he left, i got pregnant and i told to him that i have a baby but he insisted that i need to drink a medicines to get rid. And because of afraid it might happen, i did with feeling of guilt. He is now out of the country and we still have communicate. But a week ago, he and his wife be together and he tried to call me up once he get a chance. But i didint texted or call him to avoid everything will know. And the last i talked to him i said im jealous when i remembee that he was with her wife. He said to me” i thought u understand” and i said i understand but dont mnd it. And that was the last he called me.
    All i want nnow is to stop pretending that he will call me again. After 3 days never call. I want to stop this relationship. I feel that i missed him. But ineed to stop this feeling. Please help me to conquer my longings without him. I felt. Gult that i’ve lost my 1 and half month baby. So much in pain.

  21. I hv been with this man for 8 yrs..we met online n he ssid he was separated n wrking on his divorce..3 yrs down he says he would not divorce her..8 yrs later i find his wifes profile on fb with their couple pics every where. Ehen i confront him he says thos pics are just of the outings wid his kid n wife. They hv gone on holidays together..n he lied to me that his wife n kid lived in another city.they had moved to the same city 4 yrs back.currently his family is pushing them to get back togetherHe earns less than me n is depends on me financially..when i caught him at it he apologised but wanted to be with me.said he hid the truth since he was scared i wud leave hi m and promises me that they wud continue to live under seperate houses. He asked his wife to remove their couple pics from her fb page. Which she did.

  22. being the other woman eventually leaves u lonely..wrecked..feeling used..the man is only looking for sex..nothing more.i always regret getting myself to be one,am as lonely as ever.always working on his schedule not mine at any time.he doesnt provide not a dime but always talks about how rough his life and his’ is…i the shoulder he always leans on.poor me..not a day have i heard him say he loves but he wants sex almost everyday…i regret everything but i am young nd hopeful that i will get someone to call my own

  23. Need advice!!! I am 18 college freshman, he is 39 married with a friendly non sexual relationship with his wife. I initially wanted to move to his city for an internship and that would be a good excuse to be close and him not drive 1 hr 45 mins all the way to campus. He was so down with it a few months ago, but he’s really iffy now because of getting caught and clearly thinking it isn’t a good idea, especially since I didn’t get the internship.
    Okay, I see his thinking but it’s so avoidable I think. Yes, I want to move there to be closer to him, save his travel time, and hang out more conveniently. But, I also wanted to move there to do something spontaneous and fun this summer and not just sit home and do nothing. This is my summer, I want to figure stuff out, get back into shape, do my own thing, be independent, all that. I think he is thinking I will be relying on him a lot and that scares him too. I can figure out my own way, I always do and I think I will be fine. If not, I can just pack up and move back home, 4 hours away.
    We picked out an apartment place and everything that we thought was safe to hangout and he is covering the price. It does seem a bit crazy since I don’t have a job, or car… But again, I manage to figure it out.
    I tried to put his mind at ease by saying maybe we should make our bf gf relationship more friendly which would make it safer. I think that made him sad and he didn’t have much to say after that. But I don’t know what else to do, I want this so badly. I want to move there to be independent and also to be able to conveniently see him, understanding maybe if it’s only once a week like it is now, minus the crazy 2 hour drive and excuses to his wife. I know I won’t see him all the time bc he has commitments so it lowers the chance of getting caught.
    So, I guess what I’m needing advice on is needing to know if making our relationship friendly to be safe is weird? We have talked about friendly before but just never saw it between us after all we’ve been through. We already have talked about not getting married or being together long term (how I feel) and he understands, so making this relationship friendly sorta makes sense right? He is such a big part of my life with helping me thru everything and we talk all day everyday and I don’t want to lose him. I love him very much and I don’t know how to go about this, 18 year olds don’t deal with this stuff!! SOS. Thanks.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Annie — Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. These are issues a LOT of women deal with, so I wanted to write you an entire post addressing some of your questions…

      http://askclairecasey.com/affair-married-man-worth/

      Hope you find some clarity and help in there, soulshine. I’m cheering for you!! 🙂

  24. Let me tell you I have been in a very toxic relationship for 3 Years with my married boss, I knew it yet couldn’t get over my ex husband, this was like my comfort food. Well after three Years, a little to drink, I finally did it, I told the bastard where to go while on Vacation with his wife. You know what he says to me, good for you, are you proud, Let me tell you HELL YES I am proud I AM FREE!!! I have been scared for so long because of my job but you know what, I actually hold all the cards so bring it on!!! I feel hard for him so this took everything out of me,

    • How do you do it??? Ive been in this affair for 2 years but before this we were friends for 5 years and then one night…boom. The affair started. I soo desperately want out and have done things to end it but like all the stories; he always comes contacting me and I try to ignore but can only ignore for so long before I give in. Its just not fair! His wife has caught him and found out but she stayed and so did he. Yea, he says he’s going to leave but he hasn’t and he won’t. I hate seeing them living the happy family life meanwhile he’s still trying to screw me and I still give in. Why are they not miserable like me. This is just not fair. O how I wish I could move on easily and happy like they are.

  25. Suz Mason

    Marriage is a legally binding contract, witnessed, signed and registered in the county in which the marriage took place. Unless there is a Decree of Dissolution on file for either party, regardless of what he-she may say, they’re still married. Protect yourself, hold your head up high and walk away..being the good, level headed person you are. God has someone intended for you, ask Him for everything you need/want and then, leave it up to Him. Be open to opportunities, ditch the “man list”. Be brave, be patient…it will happen!

  26. sweetfriendship

    Hi there, I am currently 28 years old. I never had a boyfriend and Ive never been in a relationship. It really eat my conscience that I am currently in a relationship with a married man. this guy has been my closest guy friend for the past 5 years. Yes I know that he is happily married and a happy father. I never wanted to be in this situation. I wan to stop this mess. I know that this is wrong and I dont want to waste my life being just a back up. We clearly defined that we are just hanging out, I gave him everything I can but I now I realized it will never be enough since this is not a real relationship. Please help me.. I really wanted to stop.. but I dont know what to do..

  27. Anonymous

    Thank you for the article, any insight helps. Mine left her to sign a lease with me only to take another year to even talk about divorce with the wife. I’ve left town broken to find out how I let my respectable self get into the situation in the first place and get my self worth back.

  28. bellavictoria

    Hi Claire. Just want to share you my story…
    The guy and I were together for 3 yrs. It all stopped when he got me pregnant because that was the time my parents learned about us. My parents, talked to him and asked him not to continue our relationship. For the sake of my son, my parents also kept everything a secret.

    Now, the the guy gives us money every now and them to support our son. He is actually a nice guy less the fact that he is married but I still love him so much and I always cry alot everytime. I am not sure what to do anymore. Especially we have a son.

    Thanks.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, bellavictoria, thanks for reading and commenting.

      I’m so glad your son has you and your parents to love him, and a biological father who at least provides some financial support.

      As to what you do now, it’s clear: if he’s already married, your son’s father is not available to you as a romantic partner. So you simply keep doing what you were doing before — raising your child and making small steps every day toward the life you dream of. Date other men, beautiful — there will be someone out there who will not only love YOU, but your son as well.

      xoxo Claire

  29. Hi Claire,

    I have been seeing this man for four years and I know its not right and before him, I have never been in love. So I thought it was okay to just text and have a companion. But deep down in my heart I know its a wrong thing to do. As I grow, 2 years after we see each other, I told him I don’t want to continue this and I ask for a break up, he did all he could to keep me and I stayed. Then, another two years, I always know is wrong and always have the thought to end this wrong relationship. And half year ago when I read your this article, I decided to leage compeletely. This time I don’t give him a chance to keep me. I thought everything was alright, one month after the actual break off, he called and said he suffers so badly because of my decision and now he wants to suicide because he couldn’t take it. I did all I can to tell him to appreciate his family and his life. But he told me, 2 years when I ask for breal, he secretly divorced with his wife. But I did not ask for this and even so he has divorced, I iust can’t be with him. I have alrdy let go this unhealthy relationship but he is not. He has been texting saying I hurt him so badly and begging for me to go back but I iust can’t because for me, everything Ia over. Ever since o made things clear, I actually felt delighted. I have been doing wrong thing for four years. Now suddenly, I finally come out from the dark and feels so good. But I am getting afraid receiving his texts and calls. I kept telling him let go and move on. Life is not just about love. There are so much more but he just couldn’t understand. Claire, please tell me what should I do. I am scared. I know I started a wrong thing, and I tried best to fix it, but now, with all these crying, begging, suicidal thoughts of his, am I still doing the right thing?

    I’m scared.

    • Claire Casey

      Oh, Chong — I can totally understand your fears.

      But you are doing the right thing, moving on to build the life you dream of.

      And PLEASE KNOW that YOU are not responsible for his dark, frightening thoughts. Healthy people do not talk about suicide over an ordinary breakup; this man has some real problems and I hope he will get professional help. There’s clearly a lot going on for him, and none of it has to do with you. It is not your job to “fix” or “heal” him, so stay strong.

      Hang in there, beautiful.

      xoxo
      Claire

      • Hey Claire! It has been two months but he is still using suicidal thought to threaten me to get back with him. I have moved on and I do not want to go back to this miserable life.

        I have stopped replying his msges and even when he called I just pick up without saying anything and he told me this will increase his suicidal thought.

        I am seriously bothered by all these. Why can’t he just move on. Everytime when I receive his message, I will feel scared. What should I do now?

        I do not have any one to talk to.

        • Claire Casey

          Dear Chong — Why are you still in contact with him? You need to completely block him on your phone (and any online platforms) so that he can no longer call you. You may also need to go to the police for help. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe, girlfriend. Please take care.

  30. Hi Claire,

    I just want to share. I met a great looking guy through work.

    He asked for my number and I just knew something was up. Low and behold he’s married. I talked and texted with him on and off for about 2 years. In this 3rd year I became vulnerable. I was celibate/ abstainate, didn’t hang out much etc. I was working on me.

    To make a long story short I slept with him. The sex was great. I slept with him again and realized OMG, this is not my d$)(. I’m doing things with him and he’s not mine. I pride myself on being respectful of marriage. However, earlier this year the wife called me and said its ok. You can sleep with my husband, he talks about you all the time. So for a minute I had no guilt. Now I not only have guilt, I have nothing to say to him. What am I to say? Hey, miss me? I love you? I want you? I want him but it’s not reality. He texted and I didn’t respond. This is where I’m going to make the break. I want to respond, but I know there’s nothing left for us to say. He’s married with children. I should have NEVER slept with a married man. I know this is only going to lead to hurt and pain. I’m just going to avoid him. Not respond, as much as it hurts. But I read something about cheating, adultery etc. He benefits from me, the wife and whoever else he keeps in touch with and that’s not fair. I also read that I can walk away free and clear while he must face his situation without the power I give him. Ultimately, I am taking my power back by not responding.

    Take your power back ladies! I deserve better than a married man and so do u.

  31. I broke up with my my married lover one month ago. The withdrawal is at times gut wrenching however those times are getting less. The mind plays tricks that it was all passion and fun and exclusive (yes I know – deluded I can be) but then I get the memory of the gaps of not reaching out, when he did they were of a sexual nature, the hustling me away from him after we’d had the most intimate time together and the being so cleverly played for his pleasure as wifey wasn’t in to it anymore…

    Fun for the first couple of months then pure neglect for the next year. Please hold strong, move on and smile politely if another married man ever crosses your path again with the knowledge you are a smart self loving person who will never be someone’s side show. You are the main show always.

  32. There are support groups everyone –
    SLAA

    It’s an addiction and once you get to SLAA you’ll see the light.

    Very powerful healing / living with addiction processes. Love is addictive. Especially illicit affair type love. That is why we are all on this sight.

    Much love all

  33. I have been with him for 15 years, he is not married but common law, same thing really. We are co-workers. It was alright up till the last few years, I am getting older and realize life is short, I realize that there is never going to be a future for us, he is never going to leave her. See I had two failed relationships with children so this was safe for me. I had always hope that he would leave her on his own, but I have realize that is never going to happen. It is time for me to move on but how? I don’t know how, I have always supported myself, I have never needed him for that. It just that if I end it I will have to see him everyday. It not like I can get a new job, jobs are hard to come by as it is and I turn 50 this year. So can you give me some ideas!
    Thanks

  34. Hi Claire,
    I’m dating a married man for 1.5 years now and we have a 8 months old daughter together. At the beginning of our relationship I didn’t know he was married. And also he lied about he’s name. and after 4 months of dating I found out everything and that time I’m already 2 months pregnant he left he’s wife for me and we living in together but those time he’s still seeing he’s wife bcuz they have kids together and it’s hurt me so much. And he cheated on me with he’s wife too. And we keep fighting and now he moved out from our home and I didn’t even know where he’s staying at but he still coming to our house to see me and our daughter and we still spending time together as a family. Claire I wanna get out but its so hard yo walk away. I love him so much.

    • Hi we’re the same situation. .. but now I am still pregnant for our first baby 7months …
      I wanna get out of this relationship. . But I dont know how. I love him i am 27yrs old and he has 67 yrs old and i am a Philippina and he is in france every 2 to 6 months he was with me. It hurts me every moment we are now almost 3yrs… I love him but I want to stop all of this. But how…?

      • Claire Casey

        Hi there, zai — If you want out, you should follow the steps in the article. Although any situation with children changes things. The father of your baby ought to know that there’s a child involved, and he should absolutely help you with the finances that will be involved in having and raising a baby. For that reason, you will have to maintain some contact with him. It will be a challenge for you, but lots of women have faced it and done a beautiful job. The main thing is that you don’t have to keep sleeping with him. You deserve to look for and find a man who will love you and your baby the way you both deserve… My very best to you as you decide what to do. xoxo Claire

  35. Hi. Does he love me? its been 11 months and we dated 12 years ago I was apparently his ‘pinnacle’ then. I was twenty now I’m ,32 and him 41 . I joined work not knowing he will was the boss. We resisted for a few months but then couldn’t deny our feeling’s. He’s been attached for seven years but for the past ,5 have had a loveless sexless relationship. We laugh we cry we have amazing sex why doesn’t he leave her for me,? How can u stay in a relations like that for the rest of your life _? I just don’t understand.

  36. I have been a mistress to a man who is separated (but still married) for 10 years. I am still a secret in his life! Never met his parents, family, kids (though they know me), his pub mates, his work colleagues etc. (I feel so sick writing this!) I am embarrassed and ashamed that I have let him walk all over me for so long! I just don’t know how to get rid of him….. the only thing that keeps him away is when I act ‘normal’ – I actually hate him now and have so much bitterness for how he has belittled me, shamed me, and taken the life out of me. There is no joy in anything anymore. When I tell him that we are not together, he pays more attention to me and behaves nicely (all so fake), and plays the same games that you have all spoken about above! Why is it so difficult to get away from these people? I know it has something to do with their pride. When I fell in love with him I never knew he was an alcoholic. I am a really good person – i wouldn’t hurt anyone and I feel terrible for his wife and kids. I used to think I was a home-wrecker, but he is the one that has wrecked every ones lives. I believed the lies. I gave him space. I trusted that he was working through a separation from his wife. Once he told me he was going to rehab for 3 weeks but instead was in Hawaii with his family. AND I STILL TOOK HIM BACK – how stupid am I?? I am so ashamed of myself. I am so pathetic. I loved him so much, but not any more. I want out but feel so stuck.

  37. Met him when I was 16. Within months I was in love. He had other girls and I knew it. Lost my virginity at 17 to him. Dated off and on for 4 years. Managed to stay away and met my husband to be. Married after 3 yrs. Was married just 27 yrs when he passed away. Marriage was good, but deep down I had never gotten over him. I chose to not have another man in my life. From april 2004 to October 2014, did fine. Then he messaged me in Facebook the first part of Oct. We lived 1600 miles apart. Thought I was stronger. Thought I was safe. We texted for 5 months when we decided to meet up. I knew he was married but felt safe. 42 yrs had passed. Within hours we both knew, chemistry is still there. Spent 3 glorious weeks together 24/7. Few months later met up again. Eventually selling my home and moving to his area. In that time I was diagnosed with cancer and had it removed. Because it is between heart and ascending aorta and lungs, radiation is not an option, spine surgery, fell and caused 7 area brain bleed. All within 3 months. Survived and slowly recovered. Every chance we get is spent together. I’m addicted to him. As he is to me. But…. she knows, leaves her journal by his chair and tells him through it that she loves him, and is staying. I never ask him to leave her. Have tried to break away, but he always comes back and I always open the door. We laugh, talk, make plans, share our families news and in our mid-late 60s have sex. I am in love with him and finally feel whole. He tells me he is in love with me and won’t let me go. Once I found out she knows, my guilt left me. I’m not their problem. I am a result of their problems. Yet i will never be #1. Not even #2. I fall behind his 3 adult girls. I hate the alone time. No holidays, no trips, no real dates. I hate feeling like I need him. Was better off being alone and not realizing that I was alone. Other than being with someone I have no right to be with, I am a good person.

  38. Have been with him for 3 years. He has never hide his identity that he is married. I wasn’t into him initially and treated him as a casual fren but we get hit up so well and every time he asked me out I just cant reject and before I get to know anything, I have sex with him and we practically have it on a weekly basis. I never have the intention of breaking up his family. There were 2 occasions whereby he told me his wife suspected him having an affairs and I tried to break up with him thinking is a good time but he always assured me that he can address the problem. I never contact him or see him on weekends as I know is his family day. I knew he will never give up his family for me as he always choose his family and stood me up when we have a date in advance. I always thought that i can let go easily but everytime when I was about to mention a breakup he seems to sense it and is extremely sweet to me that I could not bring myself to break off. What should I do? I really feel bad being other woman.

    • Claire Casey

      It’s really up to you, Terri. If you want to change something, you can. Follow the steps in the article. But I’m aware that not everyone wants change… Whatever you choose, I’m sending you love. xoxo

  39. Keepgoingback

    Hi I have been in a relationship with a man that has a girlfriend for almost 2 1/2 years. At first it was just just an emotional affair then about a year ago we started having a sexual affair as well. From the beginning he has told me that he is no longer in love with her but is afraid to leave because of what she may do. She has been going through a depression for 3 years now and has been at home on sick leave. He says she deserves for him to at least get her through this then he will leave. About a year ago she found messages between the 2 of us and he ended it with me for a month then came running back to me. I am head over heals in love with him but have made the fatal mistake of leaving him ( numerous times) and then I come running back after him even though he won’t leave her. I am stuck, I can’t sleep, I cry all the time all I want is him. I am addicted to him and have major withdrawals every time I leave and now he is starting to be cold with me. He says he is tired of me leaving and coming back that I am always unhappy and he has stopped saying he loves me. I have begged for him to leave me and he will not. Do you have any insight on how I can get myself out of this toxic/addictive relationship?

    • Claire Casey

      I’m so sorry to hear of all your struggles, keepgoingback. I know it’s hard, and it’s going to be hard until you are well into the process of creating the change you desire. I definitely think the steps in this article will help you, especially #1. But do them all, beautiful soul, because you deserve the best love, not just someone’s “leftover” love. Do it! I know you can. I’ll be cheering for you and hoping you choose to build a better life for yourself. xoxo

  40. Hello, I made a huge mistake to become friends with benefits to a really good friend that had a girlfriend and I was friends with the girlfriend. I developed feelings for him and he used it against me. I was super insecure so he took advantage of that and made me feel wanted so I agreed to please him. The girlfriend found out about our thing and told me a lot of hateful stuff, she then told a lot of people we knew, she also blasted me on social media. So not only was I getting hate from her but from everyone I used to associate with on social media. The guy acted innocent and also told me hateful things, she tried to make my life hell and turned a lot of people against me. I admit I didn’t handle the situation as well as I could of, but I did admit I was wrong. It broke me to pieces and I went through depression and I have just started healing but how do I completely move on from my old life when everyone I knew now hates me for the mistake I made. I am now a changed person who has learned many valuable lessons that have made me a better person but everyone only sees me for the mistake I made.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Brianna — I’m sorry, situations like that are so painful, aren’t they? And it sounds like you’re doing all the right things, but the simple fact is that it will take some time now for all this to blow over. I don’t think this guy or your ex-girlfriend are going to be helpful in any way; they just want a scapegoat to keep anyone from thinking that in fact THEY may have made some mistakes as well. For example, he should not have been sleeping with you if he was committed to her. And SHE shouldn’t be blaming you for everything, because he holds responsibility here, too. So my advice is not just to give it some time, but also to actively look for and build new, emotionally healthier friendships. You need people to support you EVEN when you make a mistake, to love you through thick and thin. Maybe you have a trusted aunt or mentor whom you can lean on right now — that would help some, too. We all make mistakes. Even really big mistakes. Don’t let your current circle of “friends” make you think they are perfect and you are the only one. Get new friends, beautiful. You deserve more. xoxo Claire

      • thank you so much for your helpful words. I have deleted all social media and have cut ties with everyone I once associated with who were negative towards me. I do have 3 very best friends who have helped me through this tough time and I appreciate them greatly but although my life is okay these negative people still haven’t moved on from the situation and have been trying to find ways to let me know they still hate me. Do you have any tips to not let their words affect me so much anymore? I have almost completely moved on but there’s still a little part of me that hasn’t. Again thank you very much for replying Claire I appreciate it so much

        • Claire Casey

          As you already know, you can’t control what other people do; you can only control your own reaction to it. If the haters are still finding ways to track you down to spill their poison, you might consider replying simply and firmly: “I’ve already found my lessons in this, and I’m moving on. I hope you’ll eventually be able to move on as well.”

          And no more. Don’t stay and chat, don’t continue the conversation, don’t anything. Do what you said you’re doing and move on.

          It takes time, and there’s no shortcut. It will hurt for a while yet, but one day you’ll suddenly realize that it no longer has power over you.

          Much love to you.

  41. Taylor Mains

    Hi Claire
    Here is my story and I am having a hard time deciding on what is right for me and my future I need some advice so here I go

    I am a 36 year old female I have been with my boyfriend for 16 years

    My boyfriend Eric was 32 years old and I was 20 years old

    When he and I met he had a 10 year old son and a current girlfriend who was the mother of his son

    For every holiday such as Christmas and New years I have spent them alone for the past 16 years including his birthday his sons birthday and he celebrates the birthday of the mother of his son because her birthday is on New year’s Eve

    They all celebrate these occasions together and I stay home at my boyfriend Eric’s and my apartment alone

    And the mother of his son own a vehicle together and he drives her everywhere and anywhere she wishes

    But when I ask him to maybe to come pick me up because I am tired of walking everywhere and my feet hurt
    He gives me an excuse such as I just got home I am not going out again , I am staying home today I am not going out at all or he gives me crap because he is on his way to see the mother of his son to watch a hockey game 2 x a week

    Which means again I am alone

    And when we argue yells at me and calls me names and mentions things like you think that you are so special but you are not

    He rarely ever takes me out on a date

    The mother of his son demands him to take her out to restaurants if not every week 2 x a week then it slows down to 2 x a month then it eventually goes back to him taking her out 2 x a week or 1 x a week

    But yet he tells me that he loves me and that I come before the mother of his son

    That I come first

    And that he doesn’t want to lose me

    And that I come second in line after his son

    But I am not sure about that

    I am so confused

    Besides everything I just told you

    He has a heart of gold

    I am afraid that if I leave him

    That I am going to make a huge mistake

    I need some advice on maybe what you would do if you were in my shoes

    Or any advice

    Please help me and give me the best advice that you possibly can

    I would greatly appreciate it

    Thank you

    • Claire Casey

      Oh, Taylor, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t agree with him that you come first at all, and you haven’t for years. It sounds like you don’t quite believe that lie, either. I hope you’ll find your way to a place where you can make some changes for the better in your life. The article will give you plenty of ways to do it, but in the end, it’s up to you to take the steps.

      Sending you warm hugs and deep sympathy. xoxo Claire

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