Breakups and Recovery Commitment

Desperately Want to Get Him Back? Consider THIS First…

Sometimes you think everything is on track when suddenly a massive relationship issue explodes like a stick of dynamite tossed into a bonfire, and he’s gone. Is it possible to get him back?

Can you get him back without begging, tears, or ultimatums? (And should you even try?)

“Hi Claire, I’m having a problem with my fiancé. 2 months ago today he “temporarily” moved in with his younger brother—who’s married and 42 years old—to Arizona. He dropped this bombshell on me almost at the last minute.

He said that it was just “temporary” until his brother and sister-in-law can find a babysitter for their preschooler. I tried to talk him out of it without seeming to give him an ultimatum (because I know first hand ultimatums don’t work) I failed.

To me it feels like he put his family before me. I’m his fiance. Shouldn’t I be first? Shouldn’t I be just slightly above his family? I feel kinda abandoned, lonely, & a little bitter about this. I’m also too clingy & trying not to be.

I asked him: Is he coming back home? Does he still want to marry me? He said yes to both questions. I just want him home. But I don’t know what I can say or do to make him come home. I need a good talking to & some good advice.” – Briana

Hey, Briana. I’m having a major flashback.

I have a close relative who had this exact thing happen, only she was a newlywed with a brand new baby. They had been married less than a year (yep, shotgun wedding) and he kept disappearing to his mom’s house for a couple of days here, a week or so there. It was wretched-bad, but you know what? They made it, and now they’ve been married more than 40 years. Whew.

Get Him Back!

Here’s what I can tell you.

1. Actions speak louder than words

What someone SAYS is far less important than what they DO. You already know this, of course. He said he still loves you and still wants to marry you, but he’s not backing that up very well right now.

This is not a deal-breaker YET, but it could be. This is actually one of your first real tests of the relationship. I know it sucks, but you could come out of this really well.

Getting through really bad spots together well are what builds the kind of relationship that goes the distance. It’s not impossible to get him back. One day you two really may be that adorable couple everyone says “Awww, they’re STILL together!” about.

But first I have a HUGE question for you:

2. Are there other red flags in your relationship?

This may be the first major challenge you’ve faced, but now is the time to do some quiet reflection on the rest of your relationship, and whether or not you’re prepared to try and get him back.

Here are some questions you really need to think through before you decide to try to get him back:

  1. Did your fiancé leave a good job (or even a crappy one) to make this “temporary” move?
  2. Do you trust him, financially, to be a good partner for the long haul?
  3. After the initial “crazy in love” part of your relationship faded, did you still feel strong and good and beautiful when you were around him?
  4. Over the length of your relationship (not including right this minute), did you feel you could trust him? Did his words match his actions?
  5. Do the people most important to you like and trust him?
  6. Is he financially solid, or working to get there? Do you know where his money comes from?
  7. Do you believe he wants what’s best for you? Can you think of examples of times he showed that?
  8. Have you successfully been through some other difficult things together, and come out better for it? If the two of you together haven’t had significant troubles before now, has he successfully navigated hard times with his best friends or family? (Do some asking around.)

If you answered “Yes” to all or nearly all of these, those are major points in your favor. But if you come up empty, you probably need to re-evaluate whether or not you should even try to get him back.

READ MORE: Is There a Future For Us?

3. Do some hard thinking about your own desires/timelines

Before you set up some conversations with him or try to get him back, you need to know what YOU want. I know you want to get married, but have the two of you set a date? How long are you willing to muddle through this swamp before you decide whether or not it will be worth it? These are not simple decisions to make, so take your time…

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it. –Maya Angelou

4. Create space and time for the REAL conversation(s)

In order to do this, you’re going to have to crack the super-glue grip of your heart just enough to think clearly and without a storm of emotion around this. Get the help of a coach or mentor if you can, or even a professional therapist.

Now, let him know you want to have a conversation about this, and invite him to help you choose a good time for both of you. On the phone is fine, face to face would be better. Is he willing to come out and do that, or even meet you half way?

You’ll need to practice being clear with him, and do your level best to NOT use threatening language. Just communicate how you’re thinking, and invite him to do the same. No ultimatums (they aren’t necessary or helpful).

This may take multiple conversations. Try your best to end with words like this:

“I’m going to trust that you do love me. I miss you terribly, and hope we can reconcile.”

Girlfriend, this one is hard, but you CAN do this.

shadow-ornament

Revive the spark with your ex...

talk to him 3If you want to rekindle the fire with your ex and get him back...if you want to force him to feel that DESIRE and ATTRACTION for you again…

Then you have to watch this short video presentation by my friend, Brad Browning.

Get him back

Brad reveals 3 critical facts that you must know if you want to get him back on his knees, begging you for a second chance… (I can almost guarantee you’ve never even considered any of these 3 facts!)

If you do EXACTLY what this video teaches you, don’t be surprised if your ex boyfriend begins fantasizing about you… and bugging you to pick up your phone!

So if you’ve tried everything you can think of to get him back and you finally want the answer, then click HERE to learn more...

xoxo Claire

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6 comments on “Desperately Want to Get Him Back? Consider THIS First…

  1. Hi I have been dating this guy for 3 and a half years. Everything was going well but towards the second year we started having major trust issues. Both sides. He has vanished and I don’t know where he is. He keeps in touch seldom via emails but has deactivated all his numbers and I’m not able to speak to him. He sends emails and taunts me its so ftustrating. Its going on to six months I have not met him. But last week he contacted me from a private number and was askn me to come out clean and say what I have been up to. He says he wants marriage but can’t trust me. While talkn to him the line was about to disconnect so before that happened I asked him when will you call he said tomorrow same time but didn’t call. I waited for 3 days then wrote to him askn why did he do this lead me into marriage talks he replies saying I have loose connections in my head and called me a flirt. Please help.

  2. Before dating him when he was coating me I told him about my past relationship. I wanted to be honest from day one. I was using my ex boyfriends sim card as I had a huge contact list and didn’t want to loose my clients. I was honest with him and told him about the sum card. He didn’t hsveva problem then so I didn’t find it a need to transfer it to my name as I didn’t want to contact my ex to transfer it. It would be like digging an old grave. But I swear I had nothing to do with my ex when I met this guy. The first year he didn’t say anything about it but as the months passed by he started taunting me about it. I couldn’t bear it so I called my ex and requested him to do so. My ex told me to dispose it and get a new one. When I told my boyfriend about it he said no as he wanted the call log. That’s something new!! How can I get the call log from a prepaid number.

  3. I still went to the mobile center and requested them to do so. I was in tears when they told me its not possible. I wrote him an email saying its not possible I tried. Then his taunts never ended. He vanished out of the country. He writes to me and taunts me every now and again. I love him so I reply to his taunrs . sometimes my anger gets the better of me. He says I wasted his 3-/12 yrs..he wanted marriage he still wants marriage but how can he trust me. He has told me to find a way so that he can trust me.

  4. Claire Casey

    Oh, Jane, darling. This is NOT the man for you. He’s been nothing but cruel, manipulative, and unkind to you for years and it’s long past time for you to block him completely from your life so that you can be open to the REAL love that you desire.

    You don’t actually love him, but there IS something inside you that is hungry for his attention and your job is to hunt that tangled-up little bit of your soul and deal with it in a healthier manner. Get help from a trusted friend or mentor on that part, but meanwhile, if you value yourself (and you ARE too precious to be treated in such an ugly way!) cut off all communications with this “boyfriend” who is so casually cruel, and start dating again.

    You aren’t “wasting his time” but you ARE wasting your own beautiful life by remaining focused on him. You deserve better, beautiful. Stay strong and win that life for yourself. I’ll be cheering for you.

    xoxo
    Claire

  5. Me encanta su pagina Claire

    son muy buenos sus articulos felicidades me gustan leerlos mucho . habrá más en español?

    • Claire Casey

      Hola Ana!, lo siento, no hablo español ( aunque se pueden encontrar Capturar a su Corazón en español…Check la ficha anterior). Pero gracias por parar cerca y tomarse el tiempo para leer y dejar un comentario! Amor y abrazos, xoxo Claire (I used Google Translate for this 🙂 )

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