Sometimes you think everything is on track when suddenly a massive relationship issue explodes like a stick of dynamite tossed into a bonfire, and he’s gone. Is it possible to get him back?
Can you get him back without begging, tears, or ultimatums? (And should you even try?)
Hi Claire, I’m having a problem with my fiancé. 2 months ago today he “temporarily” moved in with his younger brother—who’s married and 42 years old—to Arizona. He dropped this bombshell on me almost at the last minute.
He said that it was just “temporary” until his brother and sister-in-law can find a babysitter for their preschooler. I tried to talk him out of it without seeming to give him an ultimatum (because I know first hand ultimatums don’t work) I failed.
To me it feels like he put his family before me. I’m his fiance. Shouldn’t I be first? Shouldn’t I be just slightly above his family? I feel kinda abandoned, lonely, & a little bitter about this. I’m also too clingy & trying not to be.
I asked him: Is he coming back home? Does he still want to marry me? He said yes to both questions. I just want him home. But I don’t know what I can say or do to make him come home. I need a good talking to & some good advice. – Briana
Hey, Briana. I’m having a major flashback.
I have a close relative who had this exact thing happen, only she was a newlywed with a brand new baby. They had been married less than a year (yep, shotgun wedding) and he kept disappearing to his mom’s house for a couple of days here, a week or so there. It was wretched-bad, but you know what? They made it, and now they’ve been married more than 40 years. Whew.
Here’s what I can tell you.
1. Actions speak louder than words
What someone SAYS is far less important than what they DO. You already know this, of course. He said he still loves you and still wants to marry you, but he’s not backing that up very well right now.
This is not a deal-breaker YET, but it could be. This is actually one of your first real tests of the relationship. I know it sucks, but you could come out of this really well.
Getting through really bad spots together well are what builds the kind of relationship that goes the distance. It’s not impossible to get him back. One day you two really may be that adorable couple everyone says “Awww, they’re STILL together!” about.
But first I have a HUGE question for you:
2. Are there other red flags in your relationship?
This may be the first major challenge you’ve faced, but now is the time to do some quiet reflection on the rest of your relationship, and whether or not you’re prepared to try and get him back.
Here are some questions you really need to think through before you decide to try to get him back:
- Did your fiancé leave a good job (or even a crappy one) to make this “temporary” move?
- Do you trust him, financially, to be a good partner for the long haul?
- After the initial “crazy in love” part of your relationship faded, did you still feel strong and good and beautiful when you were around him?
- Over the length of your relationship (not including right this minute), did you feel you could trust him? Did his words match his actions?
- Do the people most important to you like and trust him?
- Is he financially solid, or working to get there? Do you know where his money comes from?
- Do you believe he wants what’s best for you? Can you think of examples of times he showed that?
- Have you successfully been through some other difficult things together, and come out better for it? If the two of you together haven’t had significant troubles before now, has he successfully navigated hard times with his best friends or family? (Do some asking around.)
If you answered “Yes” to all or nearly all of these, those are major points in your favor. But if you come up empty, you probably need to re-evaluate whether or not you should even try to get him back.
READ MORE: Is There a Future For Us?
3. Do some hard thinking about your own desires/timelines
Before you set up some conversations with him or try to get him back, you need to know what YOU want. I know you want to get married, but have the two of you set a date? How long are you willing to muddle through this swamp before you decide whether or not it will be worth it? These are not simple decisions to make, so take your time…
You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, and how you can still come out of it. –Maya Angelou
4. Create space and time for the REAL conversation(s)
In order to do this, you’re going to have to crack the super-glue grip of your heart just enough to think clearly and without a storm of emotion around this. Get the help of a coach or mentor if you can, or even a professional therapist.
Now, let him know you want to have a conversation about this, and invite him to help you choose a good time for both of you. On the phone is fine, face to face would be better. Is he willing to come out and do that, or even meet you half way?
You’ll need to practice being clear with him, and do your level best to NOT use threatening language. Just communicate how you’re thinking, and invite him to do the same. No ultimatums (they aren’t necessary or helpful).
This may take multiple conversations. Try your best to end with words like this:
“I’m going to trust that you do love me. I miss you terribly, and hope we can reconcile.”
Girlfriend, this one is hard, but you CAN do this.
Revive the spark with your ex...
Then you have to watch this short video presentation by my friend, Brad Browning.Get him back
Brad reveals 3 critical facts that you must know if you want to get him back on his knees, begging you for a second chance… (I can almost guarantee you’ve never even considered any of these 3 facts!)
If you do EXACTLY what this video teaches you, don’t be surprised if your ex boyfriend begins fantasizing about you… and bugging you to pick up your phone!
So if you’ve tried everything you can think of to get him back and you finally want the answer, then click HERE to learn more...