Breakups and Recovery Dating and Romance

Why Men Disappear (and How to Recover Your Heart)

If you’ve been dating for more than oh, five minutes, you already know that sometimes men disappear. It sucks the wind out of your sails and dumps ice water on your spirit…

Here’s WHY men disappear, and how to recover your heart and chart your course for some place – and some one – much more wonderful…

A powerful word for every woman whose boyfriend pulls a vanishing act…

“Claire, I am with this guy who used to be so in love with me but now he’s acting as if we are just merely acquainted, so cold that sometimes scares me to talk to him as he might call it off. Now he never calls as often as before, not showing any affection towards me, no physical contact, no recreation together.

I am hurting but I don’t want to lose him, instead I want him to be so into me romantically. I’ve been reading lots of blogs about relationships and none seemed to work for me. What should I do?” – Queen

Hi, beautiful. I can hear your pain, and I’m so sorry. Sometimes men disappear, and it can make a hash of your heart.

And if you never read another word of this article, I hope you’ll read the next little section, because it has the power to change your life, starting right this minute.

Put on your cloak of courage

If you feel you can’t talk to him for fear of him calling it off, then you’re definitely not in a good position in this relationship.

Instead, try thinking about how much you love yourself. You deserve to be able to talk to him in a kind, interested manner. You are a wonderfully-made, important human being. You are a strong woman and you deserve respect.

You have the right to speak to ANYone, especially people you care about, without fear. So banish your fear by putting on a cape of courage.

I call courage a cape or a cloak, because it doesn’t mean you don’t HAVE fear, only that you’re not letting it stop you from doing the important things in life…like speaking to a man whom you love in a way that invites an appropriate answer.

You have the fear, but you love yourself so much that you know you deserve respect, so you sling that cape over your shoulders and behave like the superhero of your own life.


Have you ever let that “special someone” go…and regretted it ever since? Want to rekindle the chemistry with “The One That Got Away”?

Find out how HERE!

Okay, now I want to share with you some of the specific reasons men disappear. Look through the list and see if you can put your finger on the factor(s) at play in your relationship…

Top 9 Reasons Why Men Disappear

A man might leave a women he has been dating for a number of reasons. (And try to remember, even if you’re in a “I hate all men” rage, that women pull disappearing acts, too.)

  1. Men disappear because they’re no longer interested, or have become more interested in a different woman they’re dating
  2. Men disappear because they’re not looking for a deeper relationship or commitment
  3. Men disappear because they don’t consider you their girlfriend
  4. Men disappear from dating relationships because they are only interested in sex or a booty call
  5. Men disappear because they are married, or still in the process of divorce
  6. Men disappear because the two of you didn’t have good communication on issues that were important to the relationship (so a problem didn’t get solved)
  7. Men disappear because they learned something that changed their mind about the relationship
  8. Men disappear because they are dealing with problems they don’t want to share
  9. Men disappear because you became clingy, needy, or desperate

When men disappear without a trace it’s easy to let those crazy thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” or “There was something I should have done differently” suck away your time, energy, and focus.

And the way to STOP allowing those miserable feelings break you down is to get busy deciding what you’re going to do next…

Should you try to get him back? 3 questions to help you decide

Before you even consider trying to get him back, spend some time evaluating the relationship.

1. How long were you together?

If you’re feeling “devastated” but you only actually had 3 dates – you were definitely feeling desperate and over-invested.

I know it’s incredibly hard to resist the overwhelming feelings of hoping for love, being in a fresh, exciting relationship, but if you will give a relationship some time, you will begin to see the true shape of it, and the real (rather than fantasy-like) possibilities for the two of you together.

You need some time to grow together, to get through sticky issues together, to really learn what each of you values and desires.

READ MORE: How to Instantly Reset your Relationship (And Keep Your Man)

2. How did he (really) treat you?

Were you consistently a top priority in his life? Did he make you feel like your strongest, best self? Was he trustworthy and a man of his word?

READ MORE: Do you have THIS “Super Glue” of Love?

3. Were you feeling desperate or needy?

Most of the time when a guy you’ve been dating goes “poof” and vanishes from sight, YOU did absolutely nothing wrong.

Take a look again at those 10 reasons men disappear: only a couple have anything to do with you. Mostly they are about him. But that last one is a doozy, and it trips up so many women.

Want to find out if you were a clingy girlfriend (and didn’t realize it)? Take the quiz at the link below.

TAKE THE QUIZ: Are You a Needy Girlfriend?

If you decide you want your ex back…

frisky hugIf you want to rekindle the fire with your ex and get him back…if you want to cause him to feel that DESIRE and ATTRACTION for you again…

Then you have to watch this short video presentation by my friend, Brad Browning.

Get him back

Brad reveals 3 critical facts that you MUST KNOW if you want to get him back on his knees, begging you for a second chance… (I can almost guarantee you’ve never even considered any of these 3 facts!)

If you do EXACTLY what this video teaches you, don’t be surprised if your ex boyfriend begins fantasizing about you… and bugging you to pick up your phone!

So if you’ve tried everything you can think of to get him back and you finally want the answer, then click HERE to learn more…

No matter what you choose: Be the hero of your own life!

Listen, everyone has needs, and that includes you, soulshine.

It’s up to YOU to provide the things you really need most in your life.

It’s up to you to build your ship, chart your course, and set sail for the dreams that live in your heart.

You gotta be living your beautiful life and not expecting a man to solve the problems, fix what’s wrong, hand you your dreams on a platter, or be the answer to what you feel is missing from your life.

No matter what you choose: WANT a man, but don’t NEED one

You want to be in a position where a man could be a beautiful addition to what you already have going. An amazing and fantastic partner to welcome into your life, but not a requirement for your own happiness or success.

So don’t take a man’s disappearing act personally. Chance are, it wasn’t a good match. He had some issues that kept him from being interested, he wasn’t ready to take the next step, he wasn’t willing to work at the long-term relationship with you. Whatever.

It’s good to know that he’s not the ONE, so that you can move ahead to find a man who is.

No matter what you choose: Keep learning about love

Don’t you wish there was a Relationship Magic Wand that would solve everything with one sparkly-purple pass??

Me too.

But people are complex creatures, and real love is hard work which takes time to build.

So be curious. Seek to learn all you can about the crazy ways men and women fit together. Be willing to read LOTS of articles and books, sign up for courses, and test what you’re learning in new relationships.

A single blog post or article might help you understand why men disappear and/or how to get a man back, but it isn’t going to solve ALL your relationship problems. So keep learning and growing, one small step at a time.

Add your voice to the conversation!

Got a story, word of wisdom, or thought about why men disappear, or (more importantly) how to heal and renew your heart afterwards? Take a moment and leave a comment below!

xoxo Claire

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13 comments on “Why Men Disappear (and How to Recover Your Heart)

  1. good job writing this article Claire! keep up the good work

  2. Awesome advice that both men & women need to hear!

    • Claire Casey

      You know, sometimes I forget about the guys, but you’re right, Bobbie. Much of this is true for them, too… 🙂

  3. So do you reach out for an explanation or just let it go?. We dated for 5mos and I did feel he was pulling away, but after our cruise he said he needed a few days to process things. It’s been 5. Though the relationship is over I think him just being so disrespectful eats at me.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Julie. Yes, I think you should reach out to him.

      It’s best if you can get face to face, because it’s really hard to read subtleties over text or email. So choose a place that’s neutral ground, pick a good time where neither of you is feeling heavily stressed, and get together. Could be over coffee, or something like that.

      And ask him simply: “Tell me how the cruise was for you…”

      You should get some information this way.

      Just be sure to *not* start the whole thing angry or demanding. You want to be open and receptive, so you can work this out in the best possible way.

      I’ve written an article about it which may help, and you can see it here:

      http://askclairecasey.com/how-to-talk-to-him-good-communication/

      My best to you, bright heart.

  4. I never thought I would ask a question here, but I don’t know where to ask, so here goes.

    I met a guy online 6 months ago, we live in different states, but I plan on moving to his hopefully soon. We hit it off so much that we were talking about a future together within 4 months. We have only spent one weekend together and it was amazing, but shortly after that weekend his mom died and he has sooooo many things he has to take care of that now he and I only talk as friends now. It has been two months now of “just friend talk” nothing like it was before. He still calls me a few times a day, every day, and acts like we are ok. How long should I “hang in there” before I say I need a boyfriend now, that I have lots of guy friends? I would be so grateful for any advise.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Andi. It’s normal for a new relationship to be put on hold when an immediate family member dies. That’s a pretty big deal for him.

      When you think it’s time to shift the gears again, you should invite him out again on a date. In other words, you want to go from “friend” mode to “girlfriend mode” again.

      It can be a gentle date, and I know you’re long distance, but do some research and figure out when you can plan to see a local band, attend an event, or plan a hike/run/seminar (etc) in his area, or an area where it’s reasonable for both of you to meet.

      Then invite him to join you. He may tell you it’s not a good time, and if he does, you can gently ask him when he thinks he might be ready. That will give you some information that you don’t have right now.

      Here’s a couple of articles on long distance dating that might be helpful to you:

      http://askclairecasey.com/how-to-turn-a-long-distance-fling-into-a-thing/
      http://askclairecasey.com/long-distance-dating-how-to-overcome-the-top-5-challenges/

      With regard to how long you should “hang in there” — there’s no one right answer for every person or situation. it depends on BOTH of you. I’ve already mentioned a way to get a sense of his timeline, but it’s even more important that you should know what yours is. How long are you willing to wait before you jump back into the dating pool? 3 months? 6 months? Once you have a good idea, then you’ll know what your next steps are.

  5. Frances Hodson

    I have a question. I know this man that just lost his wife. She passed away in October 2016. I know him for about 20 years. Is it alright to start dating him after him losing is wife.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Frances — Some people take longer than others to get through the stages and seasons of grief. If at some point he seems open to dating again, then of course it’s all right. 🙂 It will just take some careful thinking and you need to be willing to wait. But I’m guessing you already know all that. Much love and my very best to you. Let me know how things go! xoxo

  6. Hi, Claire.

    I was dating a guy for about three months. We knew each other a year before I decided to date him. I decided to give him a chance because he was always so gentle and caring and never pushy even though I knew he wanted more(we met on a dating site). I used to work on a cruise ship and he always made plans to see me as soon as I got home and a couple times more before I went back out to sea.

    He was such a gentleman and so sweet. I felt safe and comfortable being myself around him. After a trip to the shore with him and a coworker’s family, I spent the night at his house and nothing happened. He didn’t try anything. I decided to give this guy a shot.

    He always spoke highly of me to his friends and he was open about wanting something serious. He hadn’t been in a relationship in about 2 years and he said he never introduced people to his friends or family that early, but he wanted them to meet me before I left again. They loved me and welcomed me in. We had such a great time before I left and seemed to be so open and honest with each other.(He even told me that he just wanted to hold me and have me fall asleep in his arms my last night. That it was ok if we didn’t have sex since I was so tired from getting ready for the trip.)

    We talked about a future and he helped me brainstorm some ideas to work from land so I wouldn’t have to go back out to sea after my last contract. That contract was only 8 and half weeks. He suggested an idea I really loved and I started studying while away.

    The internet was quite bad so we couldn’t Skype but we were able to call and text. Our schedules were different and sometimes the phone signal was too weak for a call. So, we texted more often than not. I know text is a terrible way to communicate and I even mentioned to him the possibilities of text miscommunication.

    We had our first ‘argument’ which was more of a miscommunication. I was able to call from land a few days later and it seemed we had come to a conclusion and that things were fine. But he started taking things more personally. Small things over text, so, I reminded him that we agreed not to talk about important things over text. But then, he accused me of dictating when and what we could talk about. I was confused because he was also at work during those times and we had agreed that he couldn’t’ text a lot at work.

    He started to become moody the last few days. Going from I miss you and wish you didn’t have to go away to picking a fight that ultimately ended in what seemed like him trying to break up with me over text. I wanted to call him and talk about it but he kept going. So, I made the decision not to argue anymore over text and that i needed to call down. I didn’t text him the rest of the day, but that night, I sent him an email saying I didn’t want to break up, but I wouldn’t fight him if he really felt that way. The next morning, he said he did.

    I was so confused about what happened because I had never felt more adored, courted, or understood before and he said he felt the same way. We didn’t talk for about 2 weeks which was when I got back home. I called and left him a voicemail saying it would be nice to see him. But he immediately texted me back and said he didn’t’ want to see me and that I never understood him and he didn’t want to have to block my number.

    I’m still confused as to what has happened. I know that sometimes, anger is a secondary emotion and that there may be something more going on. I have purchased an online program about how to gently reestablish affirmative report with your ex for the possibility of a second chance. It says to wait 30 days since last contact. It has been almost 3 weeks.

    I’d love to hear any comments you have on my situations. I value your opinion and would appreciate your help.

    Regina x

    • Claire Casey

      HI Regina, thanks for your comment and I’m really sorry about how things have gone in this relationship. Love can be a LOT of work, huh? And some of it can be quite confusing.

      I think you’ve done the right thing to break off contact for a while. And one thing you should ADD to your program is to start dating other men. I know it’s hard, given your work, but that should be in your plan. Don’t ever let a man think you’ve put your life entirely on hold while you wait for him to make up his mind. You need to move ahead with your life and your dreams. AND your dating.

      I know it’s challenging, but hang in there and stick with your program. You deserve the kind of love you dream of. xoxo Claire

      • Hi, Claire!

        Thank you so much for writing back so quickly! I really appreciate it. Relationships can be tough work and I know I need work on being more verbal using words of affirmations. I never understood how much men craved it especially since I’m not someone who appreciates general compliments as much. I should say, I don’t need them. I’ve become quite an independent woman and that may cause problems with my man feeling like my hero.

        My program does mention dating. I have joined 4 dating sites since December 21. I haven’t had much luck finding a guy to even go out to coffee with though. I’ve had friends check my profile out. It’s becoming rather disheartening. I know I live in a difficult area for someone my age (32) to find a single guy who can understand my life experience, but I’m not giving up! xx

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