Sometimes the ordinary work of a relationship may make you feel like you’re wasting time. Relationship work takes time, and plenty of it.
Sometimes it’s the guy you’re dealing with: is he dragging his feet?
But sometimes the simple fact that you don’t know what to do or how to proceed feels like wasting time.
Here’s your path through, beautiful one…
“I just wonder if I’m wasting time…”
“Hi Claire. I met a guy through a matchmaking service a year and a half ago. We dated for several months, meeting up in various cities (we both travel for work) and I got more and more into him. I know he liked me, but was always reserved, never fully jumping in.
He had a tough time with his last serious relationship, and would make comments putting himself down for his lack of judgment, so I tried to let things take a slow path, but we were at one date a month and not much connection in between.
I asked him (not in the best way possible for sure, over text) If he wanted to really jump in and find out if we could be right for each other. He basically told me he didn’t want a relationship, wasn’t at a place in his life for one. I was devastated.
I didn’t call him for days and finally he called me, wanting clearly to get back to getting to know me on his timeline. We started dating again, but in the spring he just stopped asking me out, although we would still text. After a while I asked why he was even still texting me. His response was “I’m not sure. I like you and like being in contact with you and if that’s not ok, then ok.” And then I didn’t hear from him for some time. And then he reappeared. He’s asked me out two times, but I wasn’t around when he was in town, so I haven’t seen him.
I’m dating others too, but I really like HIM. And I am still interested in getting to know him. But it’s also been over a year of him floating around the outskirts of my life and feeling like I’ll never get too close to him. I just wonder if I’m wasting time?” — H.
Hey, beautiful. Sigh. What is it with the slow, slow, slooooow guys? If they’re not slow, they’re too fast. Where are the men in the middle, going exactly the right speed?
Some guys are simply slow movers by nature.
I married one. When we were dating, it took three months before he held my hand. Three months! (Of course his kisses, which I received on every single date, were to die for.)
You’re not wasting time if you’re just being patient.
Don’t write off your Snail Male variety of slow boyfriend too fast, because they are often very stable – including financially – and they can be a great match for a woman who likes the spotlight (no competition!).
The Shocking Thing Men Find Attractive in a Woman (You Can't Guess This)
Also, a man with a slow, deliberate approach can be quite a pleasure in the bedroom. A Steady Eddie will take the time to get you where you want to go, sugar-sweet. Mmm, hmm.
He might be slow because of his past injuries.
Some men are slow boyfriends because they have been wounded, or they’re afraid to be wounded.
You mentioned this one in your email, and while this does get over-used as an excuse, it’s also very common and understandable. Everybody has an ex, and everybody has to figure out how to deal with the scars left after a breakup.
It’s not wasting time, it’s dealing with issues, which we all have!
You have the added weight of a long-distance relationship.
LDRs can work, but they typically take more work, too. More energy, more creativity, more patience.
If you are going to make an LDR work WELL, then you have to use the technology, connect more, and work hard to get face-to-face on a regular basis.
You may or may not feel motivated to work that hard. (Same for him.)
You need to know 2 important things…
The better you know what’s really going on for BOTH of you, the better positioned you will be to make active decisions about this relationship.
1. You need to know what YOU want.
How long are you willing to keep investing in this guy, and how hard are you willing to work on the relationship?
It’s worth sitting down — not with him, but with a trusted and emotionally healthy girlfriend or mentor — and having an honest conversation about that. More than one conversation about it, even.
2. You need to know is what’s happening for HIM.
Talking with him doesn’t have to be difficult or complicated. Here’s a script that will work. Memorize these exact words, choose a good time, and ask!
“I understand that you want to take our relationship slowly. Can you help me understand the reasons why?”
Like ALL important communications, this is going to work best as a face-to-face conversation.
And once again, it’s helpful to think of this as a SERIES of conversations, rather than one time which determines everything for all time.
It’s practically a MIRACLE when you get two people together who have the same timeline.
It’s ALWAYS a challenge to balance the timelines and desires of two adults, especially when you add in the complication of exes and family.
The trickiest bit is how well you communicate your needs.
- When you need to see him F2F more than once a month, you gotta help make that happen.
- Put all the tech to work for you — video chat, texting, etc
- Send letters and care packages!
- Pursue some common hobbies or activities together (even read the same book together).
You get the idea.
I don’t see any reason for you to NOT pursue this relationship if you’re both interested!
This IS hard! It just is. But it’s also worth working at, if he’s a guy you really like and are interested in.
How to light a bonfire of passion under a slooow boyfriend
Want to make your boyfriend suddenly find you so attractive, so intriguing and so tempting that he will wish to capture you with a fierceness that he has never known before?
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Within the very first minutes of using this he will start seeing a movie in his head playing back scenes of you and him being together… He won’t be able to push those images out of his head — and he won’t WANT to.
You’ll discover the “Sizzling Desire Technique,” which will make his mind go blank and something inside him will scream that you’re the only one for him.
And you’ll appreciate the “Emotional Bankruptcy Technique,” which makes a man treat you like a rare gem that he must care for with a passionate intensity.
He’ll feel so over his head in love with you that he won’t feel at ease until he lets you know how much he appreciates every breath, every word, every hug and kiss you share with him.
Discover this and a lot more here…
PS: One of the most powerful of the bonus materials with this is called the “Extreme Case Scenario Turnaround.” If you’ve ever felt like you’ve wrecked your relationship beyond repair, or an old mistake is threatening your future with the man you love, this will be an incredibly helpful tool for you.