How to Deal With Your Emotionally Unavailable Man

emotionally unavailable man

Here’s the truth about what it means when you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man, and what EXACTLY you can do to almost magically get clear on the best path forward…

What defines an emotionally unavailable man?

It’s dead simple. An emotionally unavailable man is a guy who isn’t ready or interested in intimacy or commitment.

Oh, he’ll totally bang you. Sex is fine, even preferable to working at a relationship. Never confuse sex — even a mind-blowing, toe-curling session in the sack — with love.

Sometimes unemotionally unavailable men are married (to someone else). They’re often “friends with benefits” guys. Some are players, but there are also ordinary men who just don’t want to settle down for reasons of their own.

talktohisheartThere’s a common perception that they’re “wounded” in some way. Well who isn’t?!

But just because a man is emotionally unavailable doesn’t necessarily mean he’s evil or weird or mean. It just means he’s not interested or ready for a serious relationship.

Very often, he’ll even TELL YOU he’s emotionally unavailable.

Not in those exact words of course, but he’ll say something like,

“I’m just not ready for a relationship.”

WHY do we ignore these words? Because we think we can heal/change/reach him… See next item!

The MOST FRUSTRATING PART about dating an emotionally unavailable man is…

He blows hot and cold.

So when you finally get discouraged enough to give up on him, he’ll turn on just enough charm and attention to make you come running back, hoping the tiny crumbs of affection will turn into a feast of love.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

The only reason he turns on the juice once in a while is that he’s getting something he likes. Probably sex, but maybe just some attention on his own terms, without having to give anything in return.

A woman who keeps trying to get an emotionally unavailable man to “open up” or “share his feelings” or even just spend more time with her will be running herself ragged chasing something that she’ll never catch.

And the sad result is that you end up feeling like no matter how hard you work, you’re not good enough. Which sucks, you know?

Yeah, you already discovered this. Sorry. But hang on soulshine, help is coming!

So WHAT should I DO, if I’m dating an emotionally unavailable man?

Here’s the best part. There are some simple ways to deal with these situations, and they will save your heart a ton of misery.

1. Don’t chase, meet.

This means you have to quit doing 90% of the work in the relationship.

And happily, the best way to quit focusing so much of your energy on him is to date other people.


2. Focus on what he does, not what he says.

You’re going to get a LOT more information from his actions than you are from his words. He may say he really wants to get together with you this weekend, but when he never follows up on those plans, or suddenly bails out at the last minute, that’s a clear communication.

Any guy can be a smooth talker. Listen to what he does.

3. Name and challenge his disappearances.

If the two of you were seeing each other regularly, then he suddenly ghosts off for three weeks (months?) for no reason and with no explanation, you have a right to ask what’s going on. You also have a right to feel angry.

4. Don’t allow him to keep pushing the “reset” button.

Sometimes emotionally unavailable men will suddenly show back up in your life and pretend like absolutely nothing unusual happened. He may even try to convince you you’re making it all up.

And he’ll try to pick up exactly where you left off, without dealing with the absence.

Don’t allow yourself to be railroaded this way!

5. Set yourself a time limit.

How long will you put up with a man wasting your time and energy like this? Decide how long you’ll keep working toward change, then end it.

You deserve all the love the universe is waiting to give you, and so long as you’re facing the wrong direction, you just may not see the man who has been waiting to love you!

The words that break down his emotional walls

Did you know there is a sequence of words you can say to any man that will break open the place inside him that WANTS to completely open his heart to you?

These words are simple, yet unbelievably effective, and men CRAVE to hear them.

You can even use these words to send him a text message, or a message on Facebook, and he’ll stop whatever he is doing and feel an overwhelming desire to make you HIS forever…

Go here now and discover these crazy-powerful words:


EVERY woman can use these words to talk directly to a man’s heart and make him instantly “lower his walls” and want total trust and open communication with you – the same things you want from him!

Stop wasting your valuable time, beautiful woman. Create the change you desire NOW.

xoxo Claire

13 comments on “How to Deal With Your Emotionally Unavailable Man

  1. Tracy Zwayer

    I’ve talked to a guy 8 months before meeting. He agreed he seen me in his future. Then introduced me to his family,friends,co workers. Then he said he had no emotions . Then asked me to come see him after 3 months. Then I have met him 5 more times. We have known each other just over a yr. I plan to move in a month up there. Not for him but for my self to start over in a positive town. I feel at home there. He has told me I’m not like the women up there,that I have no common likes. He also said he has never seen someone so determined. He has acknolaged to friends he has a beautiful girlfriend and not corrected that we are friends. Last time I was up he said he was not ready for a relationship yet maybe in5 yrs.when he has a house with his kids. He is trying to get his business,kids in order before having any type of relationship. He is still dating other women because he likes to meet other women. He said I didn’t flip his switch. I will agree I messed up the first meet. I cooked ,cleaned,and fixed his drain. Second time I did nothing Just like the 3 and 4 time I did nothing. It was going great. I made him feel he wwas.orming for me. He cooked,did my clothes took me out . This last time his friend had a talk and he then said he likes being alone and was not ready. Just wants to be friends for now. It was up to me if I want to be friends,friends with fun benefits. Then the last day of being together he took me out,he was relaxed ,said I was beautiful,gives me a hug and kiss by . I ran into him when I was leaving at a gas station and he was very excited to run into me. He didn’t know what to do. He started to give me a hug but looked around and stoped. His actions show me he cares but he is afraid of getting hurt. He admitted every time he has feelings for a girl they go with another guy after a while and commit. He wants friends first which is all I want til I’m settled. How can I show him I will be there for him no matter what we become and that I’m girlfriend material. I did break the booty call once a month. He sees my value and accepted it.

  2. This guy that i have been dating for two years told me he cares about me likes talking and spending time with me, but does not see it progressing doesn’t mean it won’t just at this time doesn’t. What do i do? Move on; wait and see if there is anything and keep trying.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Jeniffer — If your guy says he doesn’t see a future for the two of you, and that’s what you’re looking for, then this is not the man for you. But it’s fine to go out with him now and then, just don’t LIMIT yourself. Keep looking for the man who IS interested in a future with you, darling! xoxo

  3. Was married to one of these guys. Look up passive aggressive personality/behavior.
    It’s an emotional way of keeping control.
    It is also insanity for the partner.

  4. All of you, they are most likely married and playing you. My ex-husband played over 45 women like this without them or me knowing before I caught on. The man I dated directly after for two years and got engaged to did the same thing. Be careful, cautious and not so trusting. All of these are huge yellow signs he’s a cheater and your just a side girl was well, just guard your hearts when you wear them on your sleeves narcissistic men are out there and great at what they do.

  5. Up date on my situation. I finally moved closer to be with the guy. We have now been seeing each other for a year. The last 3 months be has got a big contract, got a house, and has expressed he would rather be with me then out with the guys drinking. He has expressed that he likes several things about me and has been thinking of me. I don’t rush over when he calls. I make him wait t I’m not busy. We go to grocery store but we do not go on dates. How do I get him to go on a date. He has kids, worm and is very busy. He has appoligized for being busy. We talk once a week or see each other every two weeks. He shows me his family pictures and his from years ago. Is he interested and taking it slow or am I just hoping. For to much

    • Claire Casey

      Tracy, one way to “get him to go on a date” is to invite him out on one. Whether or not he takes you up on it will give you information about whether or not he’s interested…

      On another note, he may have a timeline, but you should have one too. Here’s an article on setting dating goals and timelines that may be helpful to you:

      xoxo Claire

    • In my opinion, it sounds like he is leading you on. I believe dating an emotionally unattached man is difficult and you have invested a lot of energy, but in the end there is rarely a “special secret love” hidden under the layers and it’s more times than not issues and poor relationship qualities you uncover. I think you need find greater self worth and realize this man isn’t meeting your needs and you can find a man who does.

  6. So my boyfriend, he is emotionally unavailable mostly because he had never engaged to such things. We both trust each other a lot. But now is the time to work hard and focus on both of our career. Buti also wish we would talk and meet more. He seems to not mind and stay focused while i go crazy. I am a lonely person. After my bff died, i had pushed almost everyone away. I opened myself to him but he tells me to focus on studies for now. He expects us to have a future but i cant even concentrate on my work and feel like shit. I once had interest in studying science but it seemed to have faded away. We often go around not talking to each other for 3 to 4 days and then we meet, we mostly stay quiet or force some conversation. I love him a lot, but i cant be with him like this. I needed some emotional support. I feel the happiest when i am with him but those are very rare times, when he opens up. How can i cope up with such emotional turmoil without deviating from my career and dreams??

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Shivi — So sorry to hear how low you’ve been feeling. And I’m not a doctor or anything like that, but you sound depressed. Most people don’t feel so sad all the time. Is there any chance you could see a doctor? I hope you’ll be able to do that, beautiful. Once the edge of your deep sadness is lifted, it won’t feel so much like you need your boyfriend to provide as much support. It may still be that he’s emotionally distant, but at least you’ll be able to get a better perspective on it. xoxo Claire

    • I feel similar to you. Every day is a new chance at something different and new. You do sound depressed. I am sorry, you are going through this. Please, go talk to a therapist and a doctor. Maybe try antidepressants? There are natural ones to help boost. Try meditation, chanting, that helps me. Also get out and walk in nature. Please, hang in there, every day is something new.

      • I had tried anti depressants but the doc stopped prescribing as to not develop dependance over it. I was told to have faith n do some meditations and all. But it works well when u have someone to do it with. So now i look for things that can help me go through this stuff alone. My boyfriend does help, sometimes. But i cant rely on him forever to make me happy

        • Claire Casey

          Now is the time to lean on your circle of friends and family. Seriously — the people who love you want to do this for you, so call on them! xoxo

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