Have you ever experienced a fake break up? A break up that was actually an attempt to shift power?
Here’s what a kind-hearted, but still “fake” break up looks like…
“Hi Claire, My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a year ago. We were together for three and a half years. When we broke up he said there were a lot of good things about our relationship but he just didn’t know that he wanted to be with me for the future.
We are still in contact, we have mutual friends and sometimes see each other at gatherings, and I am still someone he confides in. We have also been intimate in the time we have been broken up even though we both know this makes things confusing.
We have even talked about getting back together and he was leaning toward trying again but then he started being unsure again.
This is why I feel we struggled. As the executive director at his job, he is very dedicated to his work. He has joined several work-related groups and goes to community events and fundraisers. Plus he needs time for himself after a lot of social interaction. I think when we were together he just had too much on his plate and felt stretched too thin.
Just a few days ago, even though I knew I shouldn’t, I texted him that I miss him and he texted back that he does miss me too.
Why can’t he just decide to fight for us? Even though we have been broken up for almost a year I still want to fight for us. I know you are probably thinking girl just move on but I don’t know how. Please help!” — E.
When I read your email out loud to my friend Nick, he IMMEDIATELY said, “They haven’t actually broken up. It was a fake break up.”
And the lightbulb came on for me! I hadn’t seen it because everything appeared to have been handled with as much kindness as can be had in these situations. There was no mention of tantrums, or ultimatums, manipulations, or drama.
The two of you still interact, still have sex, still talk, message, care for and see each other. You’re still in a relationship. But now you’re in the relationship HE wants, rather than the one YOU want.
Here’s what happened…
He wanted — and still wants — his career, a little bit of girlfriend (talking, meeting, sex), and not to get married to you.
You want more of your boyfriend, and to get married.
Since he’s a really nice guy, he knew he was keeping you from finding a man who DOES want to spend that much time together, who DOES want to get married.
So he (partially) freed you up, and as it turned out, you stuck around and suddenly fit into the role HE wanted!
Do you see how the fake break up worked perfectly in his favor?
The lower level of involvement with you means he gets more of his time and energy for work, plus he still gets you as a (I’m gonna say it, sorry) booty call.
So what’s in a fake break up for you, girlfriend?
Not a future. Not the kind of time you would like with him.
EVEN if you want to hold out hope that the two of you might get back together, you should do 3 things right away:
- Start dating other men. By the way, there are few things more attractive to a man than a woman who is in high demand by other guys. Just sayin’.
- Break up for real. Eliminate the time and energy you’re spending with him. ONLY be willing to see your ex as a desirable, in-demand girlfriend, not a friend-friend.
- End the booty calls completely (unless you just want to have unattached sex).
I kind of hate that he’s strung you along (which is another way to say it was a fake break up), but I don’t think he realized what he was doing.
But now you know, and you can be crystal clear moving forward. NO one has the ability to shut down your life or keep you from your dreams. Work your plan, fierce heart!
When you’re tired of “low-investment” relationships, and are ready for committed partnership…
Luba Evans grew up in Russia, and she was not “classically beautiful” (her words). And yet, she has learned some things in Russia that women in other parts of the world seem to have completely missed.
“In Russia, if you’re a single mom and over 28… forget it. Finding a guy to marry you is incredibly difficult, especially if you looked like me…
But guess what? Dating for me ended up being a piece of cake for one big reason. I discovered that women in America have been misled about what works with men.
Despite not being ‘classically beautiful’ like so many Russian women, I was easily able to attract, catch, and keep men who were in high demand.”
Once she came to America and began using these same simple techniques she’d used in Russia, she was shocked at how unbelievably easy it was.
If you want to go straight to the committed, loving communion you’ve been longing for, you should listen to what she has to share.
No more wondering why he’s not pursuing you… the way men used to.
No more trying to “test the waters” and see if he’s ready to commit.
And no more struggling with the agony of not knowing if he’s truly yours.
You’ve never heard anything like this before.
PS: And listen, if you’re with someone now and you decide to move on at some point in your life, it won’t matter.
You’ll have the rock solid confidence of knowing you can not only attract a great man into your life, and you’ll also have transformed into the kind of woman who can easily keep him.
Your friends will notice that you hold yourself differently… that there’s more life in your body and more spring in your step.
How wonderful it will feel!