You can’t get him out of your head, even though you KNOW he was wrong for you. You can’t seem to stop thinking of him and wanting him, and it’s derailing your life. Here’s help.
Any magic way to erase the thoughts of a man I’m in love with (but shouldn’t be)?
“Claire, thank you for the message about when strong women get tired of being strong. That has been my life story.
After a messy break up that was preceded by a frustrating year of a year and half relationship, I have given up on that and I’m running my business solo and raising my 16 year old on my own. Everything feels hard.
The first 6 months was a dream come true but then things began to deteriorate.
He invited his friend and her boyfriend to come along on a romantic weekend that I arranged, without asking me first what I thought.
Two weeks later he cut me off completely after a phone call in which I expressed being emotionally depleted after being under a huge amount of stress.
He told me a week later that I made him want to kill himself. I know he didn’t mean it the way it sounds but it hurt. Especially since I have two younger brothers that killed themselves.
He was very negative and passed judgement about everyone and everything.
I even ended the relationship for a week before he pulled me back in. He wants to be friends, but I want to be his woman. Why?!?!? It was pretty awful.
I don’t understand why I miss him so much. I’m doing everything I know to forget about what we could have had.
I’m loving myself, being kind to myself. I’m online dating again, partly to open myself to my next great love affair, also as an ego boost and distraction but mostly to get over him. I’m still drawn to thinking about him, wanting him…and I feel pretty nuts.
Any insight? Any magic way to erase the thought of a man I’m in love with but have no good reason to love romantically? ” — K.
Breakups are so hard, heart-scarred woman. I know you want to get him out of your head, but this one is especially difficult because of all the damage he caused.
You were amazing in knowing that this sort of behavior does not make a healthy relationship. You got out even though it was hard to do. Good for you, sister.
The “pining” that you’re doing is very ordinary.
All of us engage in some level of fantasy daydreaming — “It would have been wonderful, IF ONLY…”
But you can’t live your life that way, as you already know.
You will get him out of your head eventually, but you need time, beautiful.
You need to keep DOING the right things (building your new life) and eventually this painful breakup won’t be able to claim so much of your thinking.
Start getting free by reminding yourself of the REALITY…
Buy yourself a fresh journal and do some writing about the things he did that caused you damage, and showed how little he truly cared for your well-being.
Honestly, even just making a list on a scrap of paper will work.
Here are some of the things you already mentioned:
- He was inconsiderate and inappropriate to invite others on YOUR trip, without asking you.
- He behaved childishly with you on the phone.
- He was uncaring and unwilling to be helpful when you were struggling.
- He was EXTREMELY inappropriate to tell you that because of you, he wanted to kill himself. (That’s a massive step over the line, especially given your history with this issue.)
- He was negative and judgmental.
- His toxic behavior caused you to end it with him.
Write it all down, as many times as you need to. Get all the details of how much he hurt you, ignored you, treated you terribly. This is going to be how you start to (finally) get him out of your head.
Make this your mantra:
There are plenty of men in the world who are better, healthier, and more loving than [his name].
I deserve better than [his name].
When I free myself from the emotional residue of [this man] I will be a much healthier woman.
So, to answer your VERY specific, and very good question about how to get him out of your head, I made you a list! (These are also good steps for a CLEAN breakup…)
9 Tactics to get him OUT of your head and STOP constantly thinking of him
- Share your story with a trusted friend
- Write it out in your journal
- Get rid of the things in your space that remind you of him
- Schedule regular but LIMITED “obsession” sessions
- List the very serious problems that you had, then create a ritual (a small beach fire, a quiet burial in the woods) of your journal notes
- Hit the gym, books, career path, dating world, etc.
- Reward yourself for reaching small timeline markers (one month, six months, etc)
- Read up on the grieving process (because that’s what you’re going through)
- Go easy on yourself
You’re already doing many of the right things, you just have to keep moving forward!
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