“His kids are tearing us apart!”
“Claire, I’m in my second long term relationship, the first being 22 years with the father of my 2 grown sons. The relationship I’m in now has been almost 4 years. I deeply love the man but we’ve struggled almost the entire time.
He has 2 daughters ages 11 and 12. When I moved in I knew I had a challenge for sure because these girls had absolutely no structure in their lives. No bedtime, no set schedule for chores, nothing! They are always being hateful or lazy and I have to clean up after them. He doesn’t get onto them for not doing chores or being mean to each other. I want to be with this man the rest of my life but he takes everything they do and say out on me! I can’t handle it. We’ve been arguing daily over something the girls have said which isn’t true. I’ve tried helping teach them right from wrong and honesty, you name it I’ve tried!
I moved out right before our 3rd anniversary because I couldn’t handle being blamed for things I didn’t do. We stayed together just lived separate.
I started staying there again a couple months later and it seems everything I taught the girls went out the window. We agreed when I came back that we would have weekly date nights and here we are months later and not a date night one. He doesn’t make me a priority and I’m not sure why. Our communication is dwindling so hard. Now we barely have sex maybe once a month when before it was almost daily! I’m just confused and frustrated because I know we love each other! He is truly the half that makes me whole but these kids are tearing us apart! I honestly do not know what to do.” — S.
I have a question for you. Why are you still living with this man?
You met him, you fell in love, you had sex all the time, then when you moved in and tried to take up parenting his kids, all the good stuff went away.
It sounds like he doesn’t do much parenting, and I’m wondering if he brought you on to do a job he doesn’t want to do.
So you have some options.
Option 1: End the relationship
You can dump him completely. Because this is not what you dreamed of at all.
Why would you volunteer to parent his kids by yourself? Why take on all this misery? What’s in it for you? Certainly not the joy of parenting, not anyone’s gratitude, not any kind of adult relationship, romance, sex, or partnership.
Option 2: Salvage (part of) the relationship
If you can’t stand the thought of dumping this guy, move out, permanently. At least until his kids are grown and gone.
Let him parent or not parent his kids as he chooses.
Have him as a boyfriend, and enjoy JUST the adult-to-adult relationship.
No, you won’t be living with him.
No, you might not ever marry him. (Although I have a married girlfriend who has made separate homes work for YEARS, it can be done!)
But the alternative — parenting his kids with no support from him and no benefit to you — sounds pretty miserable.
Be “whole” all by yourself.
You said that he was the “half that made you whole,” but I would argue with that.
You were married a long, long time. And OF COURSE you enjoy and appreciate and even desire a partner.
But you can’t have the mindset that UNLESS you have him, your life is broken, incomplete, or wrong.
YOU — all by yourself — are enough, worthy, and good.
His kids are NOT your responsibility.
You didn’t fall in love with him so that you could raise these two girls for him. You didn’t sign some agreement saying this was now YOUR job and responsibility.
I’m not sure why you’re taking it on.
Here’s my best guess about WHY you are doing this…
You KNOW how to do long-term relationships. You did one for 22 years. You raised two young men. When you think of relationships, that’s what you envision.
Then you met a new guy and fell in love.
Immediately, you starting living the model you knew before.
But HE didn’t.
- He doesn’t think about parenting like you do.
- He doesn’t think about partnership like you do.
- He doesn’t think about long-term relationships like you do.
You moved in and because of the woman you are, you got left with all the work. He allows the girls to behave horribly to you and he doesn’t support or help you in the mess.
Not only that, you lost what you originally had, which was his attention, communication, and devotion.
You feel like you are obligated to stick it out, because you’re not a quitter, or because you made a commitment.
BUT: you are not obligated.
You did not make a commitment.
You are not obligated to be anybody’s unpaid maid OR anybody’s unpaid, unwanted, and unappreciated substitute mom.
I’m pretty sure you did not commit to that.
You belong to yourself, and you need to have your own best interest at heart.
If YOU don’t look out for yourself, who else will?
I promise you, there ARE men out there with whom you can build a much better relationship.
You could even build a better relationship with this man, if you move out and let him raise his kids on his own (like he was doing before).
I think you jumped in too quick.
But it’s never too late to start reclaiming your life, your boundaries, and your self-value.
Try this help for your badly-bruised heart…
You don’t want to be the maid.
You don’t want to be the unwanted, unappreciated substitute mom.
You don’t want to be the booty call.
You want a REAL RELATIONSHIP, so you need to check this out.
It’s Amy North’s advanced sequence of words called a “Devotion Sequence” that will make a man feel a hungry desire for you that’s way BEYOND “just a woman who does all the work HE doesn’t want to do” and deeply, deeply into the territory of long term love…
It doesn’t matter if you just came out of a bad breakup or messy relationship situation, and it has NOTHING to do with how pretty or attractive you think you have to be.
This is all about finding the REAL THING!
Take a look at Amy’s video ONLY if you’re serious about change.
If you need help with moving on to a good man, OR finally, finally getting your current relationship back on track and shining…
Then you seriously need to try this out yourself because it’s worked well for thousands of women already…
DO IT because your love is being WASTED — just tossed on the garbage heap — on a man if he doesn’t appreciate you.
DO IT because you feel STUCK on him, and can’t seem to break free in to the much, much better life and love you deserve.
DO IT FOR YOU, beautiful woman.
Say “goodbye (and good riddance!)” to being stuck on a man who DOESN’T TREAT YOU WELL, and “hello!” to a serious RELATIONSHIP!
PS: It doesn’t matter if you’re single or not either, because Amy’s program will even work on your cold husband or boyfriend too…
We invest time and energy in things that are important to us.
PPS: Here is an affirmation for you, in case you’ve temporarily forgotten your own center-of-the-earth-DEEP value and self-care…
- I am enough.
- I was enough the moment I was born, and I am enough now.
- I will be enough every second of my life, no matter how many twists and turns my life carries me through.
- I will learn from the stories I’ve lived.
- I will build myself up and continue to practice love toward myself.
- All of the good things in life are waiting for me…
Reclaim your wings, beautiful creature!