Breakups and Recovery

I Love Him But He Doesn’t Love Me Back…

he doesn't love me back

Have you ever fallen for the wrong guy? Have you ever found yourself confessing tearfully to a close girlfriend, “I love him but he doesn’t love me back…”?

There’s not enough wine or ice cream in the world for that, is there?

But there’s a reason these things happen, and your job is to suss it out and fix it. That’s easier said than done, I know.

But take heart, you can figure out where you went sideways, and even better: you can get your heart back… A little bruised, perhaps, but all yours once again.

“Hi Claire, I have fallen in love with a man who doesn’t care about me. We work together and we talk, but when I sound serious he stops talking to me for a while. I am crazy about him! He is 46 yrs and I am 29 yrs, and I am madly in love. What to do? Desperately need your help.” – Neenah

Hi, darling. Thank you for writing. And here’s my very first reaction: Move with caution! If this is a co-worker, you may endanger your job.

My second thought is that there may be an issue with your age difference. 17 years is nearly a generation’s worth of time, which means he’s almost old enough to be your father. The life desires, goals, and interests of a 46 year old can be very different from that of someone still in their twenties.

But here’s the main thing.

From what you’ve told me, he simply isn’t interested. In fact, it may be worse than that. You said, “He doesn’t care about me.” It sounds like he likes you enough to enjoy interacting with you on a friendly level, but that anything more chases him away.

So let me ask you this: Why are you so interested in a man who doesn’t love you back?

A man who doesn’t even “care” about you?

I’m not at all being flippant; I think you should seriously consider this.

We love the wrong people for a reason

You can’t always control who you fall in love with. But you CAN control what you do about it, AND what you learn about yourself from it…

When we love someone who doesn’t love us back, there’s some need in us, or some old unhealed hurt that we are trying to fill.

So call on a trusted girlfriend or an emotionally healthy mentor and see if you can work out what’s driving you. And while I can’t tell you everything about how to go about this or exactly what you’ll discover, I can tell you how to get started… (Actually I’ve already said it! But sometimes when you’re in the middle of stuff like this, it helps if someone lovingly tells you again… Ready? Here it comes.)

Here’s the single most powerful question you can ask yourself right now:

Is there a particular old injury or unmet need that is causing me to love someone who doesn’t love me back? How can I get help with healing this?

That’s the best place to begin figuring out how you got here. In fact, you may have suddenly thought of it just now. Sometimes these things work like dream interpretation: you have no idea what it means until you tell someone else and they start to ask you questions… Suddenly it clicks!

But even if it didn’t click just now, that’s okay. I know you’ll work at this until you solve it. Because if you don’t solve it, you’ll never understand yourself as well as if you go ahead and figure it out now.

Once you start to get a handle on that, move your focus to your basic emotional needs…

4 more questions to work through…

You may want to note that absolutely NONE of the questions below have anything to do with him, but everything to do with you… Why is that?

Because in order to attract and choose the man who is best for you, YOU need to be at your best!

1. What are the big goals of my life right now? Am I actively working toward my dreams?

2. What are some of the really interesting things about me? Am I giving my best gifts time in the spotlight? If not, why not, and how can I let myself shine?

3. Are my personal health and spirituality needs being met right now? What can I do, and who can I call on to get back to where I need to be?

4. What are the biggest things holding me back from a vibrant dating life? Am I putting myself where the guys are, and remaining happy and open to what life brings me?

Be ready to feel the breakup painYou Didn't Want Him Anyway

As you begin to shift your focus away from this man who doesn’t love you and toward yourself, be ready to feel the normal kinds of breakup pain, and – this is important! – ALLOW yourself to feel that.

If you want a little extra help, check out this little book I wrote called You Didn’t Want Him Anyway: Get Over Any Man in 5 Simple Steps — it’s on Amazon for $3.

But don’t stay in the middle of that pain for too long. Because if part of what you want in life is an amazing man who thinks you’re are incredible and can’t wait to make you his forever, then you need to to…

Get out there and date!

Getting started dating again will help you stop putting all your focus on this one guy. Plus, you may finally meet that man you’ve been waiting for!

Remember what the best, healthiest, most amazing men are attracted to:

  • genuine joy
  • femininity
  • attractiveness to others (especially other men)
  • wholeness

You can do this! Give your glittering, great heart to a man who will treasure it like the rare gem it is! You deserve every bit of good love in the universe.

xoxo Claire

10 comments on “I Love Him But He Doesn’t Love Me Back…

  1. Hello Claire,
    Thank you for this article. It came to me at a good time. I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. I have been struggling to move on. I still feel the emotions I initially felt when the break up occurred. Two years of my life and my future gone. I am not young and haven’t been very successful with relationships. When I met my ex it felt like all that had changed. My life was finally starting and things were coming together…so I thought.

    Now I’m trying to move on and start anew, however I feel hopeless. I get anxiety and feel like I’m just not ever going to be girlfriend material for the “right man.” I struggle with making myself/my life fulfilled lest a man. My life isn’t that exciting, and I am not the best, most whole, most successful, most feminine, most attractive I can be. Reading your article brought up feelings of being overwhelmed and disempowered. It’s like I cannot move forward, I’m frozen in the thought that maybe I’m just meant to be single. I want a successful relationship and happiness I’m just not sure how to get there. I know and understand what you are is what you get. I don’t know how to become the person I want and need in my life. Someone who will love me for me.

  2. Claire Casey

    Hi, M.A. — I’m so glad you took the time to comment, and I’m sorry that you’re in such a painful place right now. And my first thought is that you may be depressed and would benefit from a skilled and kind therapist. Not everyone can access those sorts of luxuries, though, I know. My next thought is that you need to do two things for yourself.

    First, call in your support network. Your girlfriends, confidantes, mentors. The people who love you most. Tell them what’s going on for you and ask them to be “in your corner,” calling you periodically, checking in, taking you out and spending time with you. Ask them to help you build yourself back up again. And maintain/grow those connections.

    The second thing is to get out your favorite journal or pen or art supplies, and start DREAMING again. What would you like to do/be/have in your life? I’m not talking about a man — I’m talking about YOU. What classes can you sign up for, what new things can you try out, what places have you always wanted to visit? Is there a career or hobby dream you’ve never tried to fulfill? Is there a cause you believe in or a community who desperately needs your support and presence? It’s time to get back to work on your personal dreams and interests. Start re-dreaming your future, and making your plans to make it a reality.

    This is going to take some active, daily work on your part, but once you get those first few steps underway it really does get a little easier.

    I can tell you are smart; you just need to apply some of those smarts to building yourself up. Get all the help you can, but you are the main person who will have to get the ball rolling. Once you begin taking pleasure in life again (which I know feels like a tall order right now), you will start to grow back into the kind of vibrant, compelling woman who turns heads. You gotta love yourself first, beautiful. And be working toward your dreams in life. It’s NEVER TOO LATE. Never.

    I know you can do this! And you deserve that beautiful, love-filled future.

    xoxo CC

  3. […] all women who wish for a certain beautiful future, then find their hands filled with sand. I know your heart aches, but I have a word for you, and it is […]

  4. […] he can’t return your calls or be counted on to show up when and where he says he’ll meet you? You’re not a priority in his life. Take a look at the top three things he makes time for every single week. Are you in there on a […]

  5. What to do when your man loves you and does all the “right” things and it falls flat for you? I’d love to see more articles from the perspective of the person who doesn’t the love the person as much/the same way/ or anymore. It is incredibly difficult to walk through your days having everything you should want but not wanting it….

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, RM — This is a very good question.

      Are you talking about

      1. how to tell someone you’ve been dating that you’re not interested, or

      2. is this someone you’re in a committed relationship with and you have quit loving him? And most importantly, is this a relationship you are trying to revive or end?

      Those scenarios would be very different, of course…

      Let me know if you get a chance and I’ll do my best to get you a post for that specific situation. Meanwhile, I wish I could hug you. Things sound difficult where you are. <3

  6. I am a grown woman in my mid 30s. I never have been boy crazy but when I fall in love it takes me forever to get over him. It’ s been a year since I realized the relationship I had my heart set on was not going anywhere and it was all in my head. For him I will always be simply a friend though he never admitted to that when I pointed it out but his demeanor towards me absolutely said so. We were not dating anymore when I officially called it a friendship between us and nothing more. Work took me overseas and here I have been for almost 2 years. The first year I went back to the states mainly to see him. It was nice but bitter sweet the fact he never once told me he loved me or made any mention of a future between us. At least then I think he enjoyed my company but did not truly appreciate me or my efforts. I never mentioned the cost that trip was to me and the loops I had to jump through to get those days off. That was my choice, my way of showing him how much I cared and I don’t feel it was reciprocated with even half my intent and effort. The heart is so. I love him but his heart is not set on me anywhere near to my feelings. I accept that and have kept quiet and out of his life. Yet, I always long for a friendly message or an email or a simple like on something I post on social media. I will post a like every so often on anything he posts that I truly do like. It’s not only him, if I like something I “like” it on FB. Also, I do not have time for FB on a daily basis like many, so there is a lot I miss. Point is, I don’t think I am one of those annoying friends always liking everything just because the person they like posted it. I have some guys do that to me and I quickly restrict how much they can see of what I post. Anyhow, I still would like to let him know I care very deeply about him but expect nothing in return. His birthday is coming up as well as Christmas, for the time I have known him I always sent something nice his way for both of these occasions but at the same time I don’t know if that is proper and even inconsiderate of myself. I say so because he might be courting another woman at this time and a gift from me might be received with contempt…” it’s her again. …can she move on.” I have moved on but my heart still wants to tell him I love him. He BTW did not send me a birthday gift early this year or a birthday wish or message and my Xmas gift last year was something really cheap not like him. I wonder if he simply felt obligated to give me something because I gave him something nice for his birthday and Christmas. I was really broken hearted with my gift, not because it was something quite cheap, about $5 dollars but because it was packed with no delicacy. All that came with it was a note card he scribbled with a pencil. .”take care of yourself “. He is very much the gentleman, big on protocol and doing things right. I was shocked with the carelessness shown in my gift . Honestly, I love him and it hurts a bit, at the same time I have no interest in other men, however, I don’t ever want to be romantically involved with him ever again. A part of me is very hurt and I am done with him as well. I feel sad but I hold hope things will work out for me. I did nothinges wrong just the fact I live thousands of miles away. Even though I am a fairly attractive woman, I am not a woman he was ever too interested in. My nature is very passive and I don’t think he liked or respected the most sound defining part of my being.

  7. Glenda Perkins

    He has no feelings for me just wants to be my friend and see me when he’s not busy but he loves he’s family more then most people do he lives with his mum and he was seeing me only at the week ends

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Glenda — You don’t want to spend a lot of time, or invest your heart, in “dating” a guy who isn’t interested. The best thing would be to start dating other guys! That will help you get your focus off of him. My very best to you. xoxo Claire

  8. hey claire…well I don’t know how to start….. so I am in love with a guy he is really nice and friendly with everyone. every actions he does makes me fall in love with him more. sometimes I feel lost when he ignores me or when he is with some other girl I feel hurt and jealousy takes over me.. and recently I came to know that he is dating my best friend. i’m scared to tell her that I love him as I don’t want to lose my best friend. .but … I don’t know what to do… I feel like my heart is being torn apart….I really need your advice please I just want to stop this feeling….I just want to move on but I don’t know how to…

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