When the man you love is truly struggling, it’s tempting to try to heal, fix, or save him. But you risk dramatically unbalancing your relationship, or even destroying it completely.
There’s a better way.
“Tell me what I already know, but am afraid to hear…”
“Hi Claire. You’re an AMAZING person that gives AWESOME advice. I feel like I already know what your advice on this will be but I’m going to tell my situation anyway.
I met this guy back in spring. We hit it off. He has a 4 year old daughter and he seemed to be genuine and have some common sense.
Anyhow, he ran into some trouble and he’s now in prison, paying for something that happened some years ago. I didn’t want to judge him on his past so I continued to communicate with him through letters and phone calls. Well, we had decided that when he gets out, he’d live with me, and we’d eventually get his daughter after he’s back on his feet. I help him with money for food when I can.
As of late, we’ve been arguing a lot. I understand he’s stressed because he’s there and not able to take care of his child (who is with family). Basically he feels like I lied to him because I didn’t tell him what was going on here with the financials. I told him I didn’t lie, I just omitted information to keep him from worrying and stressing because there’s not anything he can help with at the moment.
I’ve been also trying to contact his family to check on his daughter and see how she is or if she needs anything but he won’t give me any information. Last night he made it seem as if he’s going to just find his own place, take care of his child on his own, and we’ll be together but not living together. He said he’d pay me to stay at my place just for a little while but that’s it.
So he asks if I can get a loan but mind you we just had an issue about the financials and he asks this??? Every time he’s needed I’ve provided somehow, some way. I’m beginning to feel like he’s telling me what I want to hear to get what he wants. So go ahead, tell me what I pretty much already know, but am afraid to hear.” —R.
I can tell you are a very loving and caring woman, R. But you have to think differently when it comes to this particular relationship.
Your boyfriend is a man under a MASSIVE amount of stress and life change.
Nobody PLANS to go to prison.
And when you have a very small child… It’s even worse.
This is a mess he didn’t see coming, and he’s in all kinds of pain and misery.
Part of your disconnect may be that when women have problems, we turn to those closest to you. We lean on girlfriends, trusted mentors, family members.
We work things through together.
Men tend to hold everything inside while they try to figure it all out. ON THEIR OWN.
Without having to ask for help.
He doesn’t want anyone to see his struggle.
Men feel terribly embarrassed when they can’t handle everything on their own, and they tend to tie themselves in knots inside, determined not to look weak or like they NEED help of any kind.
And if you get in touch with his family, you’ll see even more deeply into the man he is, for good or for bad.
This is why he doesn’t want you “fixing” the situation with his daughter. OR being the one who takes care of him as he transitions out of prison.
He doesn’t WANT you to save him from this situation, or even get involved in all the details.
He feels resentful of anyone (including you) who sees him at his most vulnerable.
He wishes he could magically vanish, work everything out, then reappear with solutions neatly arrayed all around him.
He could pretend it was never wildly out of control at all.
You’re doing too much for your man, fierce heart.
His desire to have his own place, or pay you to stay at yours, depends on him being able to get some ready cash. Presumably that’s why he needs a loan.
This is raising multiple relationship red flags:
- It sounds like getting him a loan may put YOU in debt.
- Getting him a loan may injure your own credit rating.
- There has not been total openness and clarity between you regarding money.
- Owing someone money creates a serious imbalance in a relationship.
- Owing someone money creates a lot of negative emotion and distance.
- Money problems can drive a relationship downhill, fast.
- If you end up breaking up, the money issue will still need to be solved (and most likely you will come out on the losing end of the deal).
There’s just not a win for you in this scenario. And I think you already know it.
It’s NOT your job to heal, fix, or save him.
Your job is simply to be available if he wants to talk, and to encourage him to do the work he already knows he’s facing.
And what YOU need is to take incredibly good care of yourself, so that you don’t get dragged down because you gave too much.
Let him dig himself out, then he can meet up with you on equal terms.
You have been overly available and committed to him, so the simple way to reset your relationship here is to shift that energy back toward your own life.
Stop loaning him money, stop trying to solve his problems with his daughter, stop being his living situation solution, and let him handle his own recovery from incarceration. Don’t try to save him or “fix” this.
Pursue your own goals and care for yourself body, spirit, and soul.
Connect with women who love you and have your best interest at heart. This is your tribe, the people who keep you strong.
Here’s the place where you can begin repairing your relationship…
This video by relationship coach Brad Browning will show you how to stop the downward spiral and breathe some life back into your relationship.
Because the strategies Brad Browning reveals in it are extremely powerful and can be the difference between “unhappy and broken-up” and “happily ever after.”
You can actually apply these techniques on your own, without him even being aware that you’re making an effort to save the relationship.
EVERY couple experiencing a relationship crisis should see this…
Brad shows you how you can begin the repairs, and get them to the point where suddenly you’ll find that BOTH of you are FINALLY working together.
- So don’t lose hope if the problems have been persistent for YEARS
- Don’t lose hope if your partner refuses to attend counseling
- Don’t lose hope if EITHER of you feels too discouraged or overwhelmed
- And DEFINITELY don’t lose hope if your man won’t put in the effort to fix the problems that are slowly eating away at your relationship
Please don’t give up until you’ve AT LEAST considered this.
I know you’re willing to invest the few minutes it takes to read this in making this right. You already know not to try and “save him.”
There’s no catch to this, no marketing gimmicks…
It doesn’t matter what mistakes EITHER of you have made, you deserve lifelong, dependable, all-encompassing love.
Watch this video and begin salvaging the most important thing in the world: real love.
PS: If you’re reading this email right now, then chances are your relationship isn’t what it used to be… and maybe it’s so bad that you feel like your world is falling apart.
- You feel like you and your guy can’t stop fighting with each other.
- You feel like all the passion, the love, and romance have completely faded.
- You feel like the intimacy will never come back to your relationship.
- And maybe you feel that there’s almost nothing you can do to save your relationship, no matter how hard you try.
But you’re wrong.
PPS: Even if you’re in a NEWER relationship and things are fine, you should still watch Brad’s video.
Because it shares the three “relationship killing” mistakes that most couples make.
You should at least come away with valuable information that could save your existing AND future relationships.
Don’t forget: even though Brad’s talking about “marriages,” this is still true for ANY relationship that you want to eventually become serious and long term.