Yes, you can try again. Saving a severely-damaged relationship absolutely can be done.
I’ve done it (more than once!) in my own marriage. You can do it too.
This just might mean the difference between having a series of short, unsatisfying relationships and having a single, long-term love with the man of your dreams…
I deeply regret that I destroyed my family… What can I do to get him to try again?
“Hi Claire! I’m 35 years old, mother of a 5 year old, result of a relationship of 3 years with Matías (name changed). When my son was one year old I fell in love with a guy from the US who was traveling here in South America, and I broke up with Matías.
It was the hardest thing to do because he and I had dreamed about getting old together and raising a family together and supporting each other. And seeing myself as the one who was destroying all those dreams and also seeing the pain in his eyes and expression was awful.
About 6 months later my new boyfriend told me he wanted me to move to USA with my son so the three of us could have a family together.
I had already started looking for a job there and unregistered my son from preschool when he dumped me saying he couldn’t do it anymore and that there was too much uncertainty on my side because I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get a job. (I later found out he was seeing his ex at the time.)
I cried every day for a year. I wanted to literally die. I had not only destroyed my family which was already painful but even though I had given everything and done everything my boyfriend had left me.
With some professional help I slowly recovered and also realized that Matías was the man I loved. I asked him to please try again but he said he didn’t want to be with me.
A month ago Matías, myself and my son had a family vacation. There were ups and downs. We had sex and it was quite good. But when we came back Matías started seeing someone else and and he says he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. But I love him and I know he still has some feelings for me. What can I do?” — L.
Hey star-heart. I really think there are possibilities here.
EVERY couple who has been together for the long term has gone through multiple (very different) phases. I’ve been married to my husband for more than 25 years, and I name it as three different marriages. Same man, different marriage.
Meaning we had severe breaks in trust, complete stoppages, used the scary “D” word (divorce) two different times. Each time we found a way to end the old relationship and start a new one.
It can be done.
And I see hopeful signs for you.The fact that Matías continues to consider “family vacations” with you, and even shared your bed, makes me think there might be something there.
But you have some work to do, girlfriend.
First, you’ve got to call in your support network.
Before you try again, you need some emotionally healthy friends, or even a counselor or therapist to help you unload the pile of things that went wrong and start to process this.
You absolutely don’t want to dump your anxiety, desperation, or fear all over Matías.
But a grown woman who is working hard at getting her sh*t together is.
You want to unload/sort your emotional chaos with your trusted confidantes, and be the capable, smart, and together woman he originally fell in love with.
Create a list of the specific problems that he feels are “dealbreakers” in getting back together with you.
If you don’t know what these are, invite your ex to share them with you.
But if you do this, DON’T dissolve into a mess of tears or pleading!
Make sure you feel solid enough to hear and write down the big pieces so that you can make a “try again” plan with them.
Listen carefully so that you can intelligently separate the less-important things from the major ones, or have a counselor help you understand how some of the small things ARE symptoms of the bigger issues in the relationship.
Work on yourself! Begin your own healing.
I know you’re feeling in a rush to make this right and try again, but you need a little bit of time to get your own act back in order before you present yourself to him for a fresh start.
There is some healing you’ll want to start to get through first.
Use the list of complaints or issues that your ex gave you to try and see your place in them. How can you change the habits, patterns, or tendencies so that the two of you can have a healthier relationship?
Do you TRULY know what HE needs in order to feel loved?
Do you know what YOU need to feel loved?
How is that related to the list of complaints your ex gave you?
Talk to him.
After you’ve absorbed, understood, and started to untangle the problems that broke you up, ask Matías if the two of you can have a simple, no-pressure conversation (like a coffee date) where you can talk.
Make sure you are not upset or stressed, because you want to show the “new” you — the capable, understanding woman that you’re becoming.
Take responsibility for your own mistakes in the relationship.
That means you let him know (in a calm and sincere way) that you understand what went wrong, that you are working on growing into a more balanced, healthy place, and that you hope to try again.
And let him be angry. Let him say the things he needs to say — so long as they aren’t vicious; that’s why you want to do this in a coffee shop! The two of you should be civilized about this. If it starts to devolve into finger-pointing or ugliness, gently call his attention to the fact that the two of you are in public.
If you need to have more than one of these conversations, that’s an option. Whatever it takes to keep a line of communication open.
Keep working on the problems in short, drama-free sessions until you see a clear path ahead.
Invite him to leave behind the old relationship, and start fresh from a place of strength.
You know so much more now. And you’re growing. You are becoming the woman the universe always wanted you to be.
Tell him what you dream of for your new relationship, and invite him to share what he can see ahead for the two of you…
There are definitely possibilities here! I hope you will decide to reach out for them.
You CAN finally have LONG-TERM happiness with a man.
It takes a lot to surprise me, but this video struck a chord.
In it James Bauer explains the single most important thing to a man when it comes to overcoming his fear of commitment and having a rare and special relationship.
If you think guys are “complicated” or “hard to figure out,” you really need to hear James explain the secrets he has learned after years of being a successful relationship coach.
After he reveals the “most important thing,” he shows you how to trigger the one critical emotion in your guy to draw him closer to you and make him happy long-term.
What I really love about what James says is that it’s not manipulative or “game playing.”
It’s definitely worth your while…
PS: The funny thing is, this is one of the most powerful attraction tips I’ve seen, yet it’s the easiest to implement.
It can take you less than 30 seconds a day.And it really works.
If you’re frustrated with your man going cold, losing interest, or pulling away, then this video is a must watch!