Dating with kids only feels weird or out-of-the-ordinary if you let it. Here’s how and when to talk to prospective dates about it, and even let it be an asset in your life…
Having kids doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker
“Dear Claire, I am 27 years old, never married. I am established in my career and feel ready for a commitment. In my experience, men who I want to date quickly shut me off because I have a child. How do I get a man (who doesn’t even know me) to want to date me knowing I have a child? Sometimes I don’t even get a first date because of it or after bringing it up on first date it ends there.” – Deidre
Hi, Deidre, thanks for writing. And I think you should be pretty happy about those guys who head for the hills as soon as they learn you have a child. They are doing some of your work for you.
Not every guy is for you.
There ARE some guys who don’t want to date single moms
And those are the ones you want to weed out right away, because you don’t want to waste your time. When you’re dating with kids, those guys tend to be the kinds of men YOU don’t want to date, either.
For example, “players” are dating for different reasons than you are… They are looking for casual hookups and no commitment or complexity. If you want a night or two of skin-on-skin (possibly hot, possibly not), that’s one thing
But if you’re serious about finding a guy who is interested in settling down, being responsible, or willing to enter a relationship with not just you but also (eventually) your kids… This is NOT your guy.
By being a single mom, you’re also going to weed out some of the “little boys” out there. These guys are only interested in finding someone to mother them.They’re overgrown kids who are afraid of dating single moms because they don’t want to come in second or third in the pecking order. Steer clear!
Btw, there are some awesome single dads out there
The dating pool includes more than single dads for single moms, but many men 25 and over have kids of their own, and are reasonably open to a woman with the same.
I’m not talking about deadbeat “baby daddies” who have several kids scattered around, none of whom seem to really command any attention (or support) from them.
But there are some awesome single guys out there who, like you, have a bit of life experience – complete with mistakes – under their belts, and are taking more care “the second time around.”
So keep an eye out for those guys, because dating with kids is something THEY are thinking about, too.
And when you’re looking, keep these tips in mind…
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Don’t lead with your kids; lead with yourself…
The dating gurus who say you should tell someone in the first 30 seconds that you have a kid are being silly.
Yes, having a child is an essential part of who you are. But even though parenting takes up a lot of your time, it isn’t ALL of what you do and who you are.
So lead with yourself. The dreams you have, the ways you light up the universe.
This isn’t about lying or being manipulative. It’s about the fact that you are a whole, beautiful individual with or without children – or boyfriends (!) – in your life.
However, you have nothing to HIDE
There’s no reason in the world to try and pretend that your child is not a part of your life, so don’t alter your normal speech and thought flow when you’re chatting with prospective dates.
If you just dropped your daughter off at your sister’s house for a sleepover, there’s no reason to make sure you don’t mention that.
Include it briefly and simply on your profile (NOT your photo; that should be just you). That way you eliminate all the no-can-do guys without having to go through any emotional turmoil.
WHEN to tell your date you’re a single mom
Most reasonably intelligent guys are going to either Google you or take a look at your Facebook or a another social profile, and they are going to learn that you’re a mom early on.
But if for some reason he hasn’t taken a closer look AND it hasn’t come up in your initial conversations, then you can mention it casually on the first date.
WHAT to say to your date
Keep it simple, sweetheart.
DON’T go into what a jerk your ex was, or all the complicated and crazy things you deal with as a single mom. A first date isn’t time to spill your guts about kids or anything else.
Just keep it casual, upbeat, and then move on to something else.
Being a single mom is an asset!
And confidence and a positive attitude are incredibly attractive to men.
Plus, you’re not looking for a knight in shining armor to “rescue” you. The numbers show that the great majority (80%, according to several studies I read) of single mothers are gainfully employed and working hard at supporting themselves and their children.
Finally, you know some deep, powerful secrets about love that you just can’t learn any other way than by having and loving a new little human.
Dating with kids does add complexity to a social situation, but…
No child is a liability in her mother’s dating life.
Kids are gifts to be treasured (even if they do shatter your sleeping habits, wreck your kitchen, and leave stains on every article of clothing you have 🙂 ), and very often they bring growth and a larger worldview to the adults around them.
Want to unleash your FULL potential for love?
Finding the man who will treasure your heart like a rare gem is NOT about whether or not you have kids.
It’s also not about your weight, your bra size, or your willingness to watch the same movie :).
It’s about setting free the amazing woman you are, and are becoming. This is about YOU being the prize that any smart man would be a damned fool to pass up.
Want to find out how READY you are for that kind of love?
Click the link below and take the Love Number Quiz and find out!Take the Quiz
Because when you boost your Love Number as high as you possibly can, the men are going to be eagerly hunting for you like sweaty, warriors looking for a frosty post-event beer. You’ll have your pick, gorgeous.
And one lucky guy will win.