Dating and Romance

The #1 Reason to Want a Boyfriend

Soulshine, I know why you want a boyfriend. You want someone to make you feel special, and loved. You want a boyfriend to give you a sense of security, you want him to be unable to drag his eyes away from your sparkling soul; you want him to think you’re amazing and sexy, and you want to love how strong he is as you rest your head against his chest. You want to be adored and taken care of and treasured.

Of course you do! I can’t imagine anyone arguing with those things…

But there are better reasons for you to want a boyfriend, beautiful, and they begin with wanting to give love, rather than get your needs filled.

Because THIS kind of love – the kind which arises out of a desire to give, runs stronger, deeper, and truer, and results in the kind of love-filled life you dream of. The kind of life you deserve.

“Dear Claire, I am 43 yrs old and I’m done being single. And the guy that I’m interested in now has baby mama drama but we have been becoming friends. But I have it in my head now to cut our ties because I want to be more than friends and within the next couple of months I’m going in for surgery and I want him to be there but I know he won’t. Because my mind is on this surgery I find it hard to focus on anything else or anyone else.” – Piper

Hi, Piper. I can hear your anxiety about this surgery, and it makes perfect sense to me that you want to focus on just getting through this next season and healing your body.

I don’t think it’s necessary to cut ties with your friend, because you’re not interested in him just so that he can “be there” for you during this surgery.

Take the free quiz!

I hear you wanting to say “But I AM interested in having him there for me, and I’m already frustrated and angry because I’m pretty sure he WON’T be.”

Just let that little bit go. Feel it, but don’t act on it. You can’t stop your feelings, but they’re not the boss of you.

Find others to support you during this process, but don’t lay this kind of heavy expectation on a man who isn’t committed to you, and who may not even see you as a girlfriend.

The reason you should be interested in a man is because you have something to give, not because you desperately want or need something from him.

I’m going to tell you my (super-goofy!) little story to show you what I mean. I hope it makes you smile and roll your eyes, but still see what I’m talking about…

The magic of attraction

I work from home, and I have these beautiful windows looking out into the woods behind our house. I’m an outdoorsy woman, and I love watching the incredible variety of birds that come to my yard. I’ve learned to identify them by their calls, habits, and their many shapes and colors.

magic of attractionAnd I could sit in my house and simply yearn for the the birds (particularly the hummingbirds, which I especially adore) to come find me, keep me entertained, and fill my days with pleasure. But nobody approaches backyard birdwatching that way. I did what everyone does. I learned what sorts of things my population of birds likes, and I put out feed for them.

And they flock to my yard.

I’ve refined my gifts to the birds over the years, learning when certain types fly in or out for the year, finding out which birds will share and which need their own feeders, discovering each avian variety’s favorite foods.

And as a result, I have as many birds in my backyard as I could ever dream of.

I attracted them NOT because I desperately needed them (to fix a hole inside me, or to make me feel special or loved or worthy), but because I had something to GIVE.

Make sense?

It works with the human heart, too.

Want a boyfriend because you have so much to give

If both partners are trying hard to GET a lot of their needs filled, it’s nearly impossible to GIVE anything. Which makes it difficult to grow in love together, because you have these needs to be filled.

And I know you have needs, everyone does.

But you must learn how to fill them for yourself, first.

Take care of yourself as you make your plans for this surgery. Get the support you need from those who love you.

Then, when you are really healed, take another look at this friendship. Evaluate whether a man who is tied up with a baby and the child’s mother is actually someone you want to invest your love in.

But love yourself first. Fill yourself up. Take care of all your needs.

DON’T settle for second best

If you want to learn how to attract the RIGHT kind of man into your life, then know when to move a relationship to the next level without scaring him off, you need to watch this video by Mirabelle Summers.

–> Stop wasting your time with men who won’t love you

It’s NOT about “catching a guy,” it’s about freeing yourself from your past limitations and getting in touch with your most attractive self, then letting this guide you to the kind of life and love you dream of. That, and so much more.

xoxo Claire

6 comments on “The #1 Reason to Want a Boyfriend

  1. Valentines day wasn’t very happy for me. My boyfriend of 9 months and who lives almost 2 hours away (we’re 50 years old and sexually intimate) (who at 3 months into the relationship didn’t bother to celebrate my birthday then at 7 months into the relationship didn’t bother to exchange Christmas gifts with me, “Because he’s a lineman and doesn’t “do” gifts,” he said, and who said, “Valentine’s day is coming,” when I told him how all this hurts my feelings and I feel left out and not special to him) called me FINALLY at 8:46 p.m. on Valentine’s day to talk, after not hearing from him all day on Saturday, (which he rarely does call, always just texting) and said happy valentines day (in a voice mail… I didn’t answer). Yeah right, happy valentines day (sarcasm fully intended!) I’ve realized during Christmas that I’m just not that special to this man and that I’m kidding myself to think I am. I’m not getting a good return on my investment of time and emotion. I’m 52 and I want a life partner. Am I being ridiculous? Am I asking for too much? He never tells me what he wants, where “we” are going, nothing of a future. When I discussed this with him (only once), he says he’s being cautious because of what he went through with his ex wife 5 years ago. He said to me, “I’m right on schedule according to what I read about relationships.” I said, “Not everyone is on that same schedule.” I feel hurt and more like a acquaintance than a lover with this man. I feel disconnected and disengaged. Really? This man has had me at his daughters wedding, went to his mother’s for new years Eve, on and on with all of his family, and yet i just feel so disconnected now due to not talking and just texting not feeling special enough to warrant a small thoughtful sentiment at special times like birthday Christmas valentines day etc. I feel like a fool. What do you think?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Doris

      You said, “I’m 52 and I want a life partner. Am I being ridiculous? Am I asking for too much?” and the answer is that there’s is absolutely nothing ridiculous about that. No, you’re not asking too much at all.

      But you may be asking too much from this particular man. It just doesn’t sound like he’s interested in that kind of relationship with you, even though he took you to his daughter’s wedding, and so on. It does sound like he’s interested in showing you to his family, but not in making you the adored woman and partner in his life.

      Why not consider dating? That would let him know that he’s not the only guy you’re considering, AND it would open up some other possibilities for your life as well.

      In addition, I think you should stop being so available to him whenever he wants an “appearance date” for parading in front of his family. Go to some things, but “have other plans” for others…

      I think putting a little distance on this will only help him think more seriously about all that he has in you, and it also gives him a chance to consider what he really wants…

      xoxo CC

  2. I guess I’m wasting my time with a man who won’t love me.

  3. You are one amazing woman, who offers the best advice and I love every bit of it! Your videos and blog has change the way I see dating and it has also helped me to understand how relationship works. … Please I have just one question. I met this guy on tinder and we have been on three dates. On the third date which was on Valentine’s day he deleted is tinder profile and I also deleted me too, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes (which I think I should have taken more time before saying yes) now he does not seem to chat more… (no we didn’t have sex yet) please how can I get him to chase me back? Thank you

    • Claire Casey

      Thank you, darling, for the sweet words. {hug}

      And when you agreed to be his girlfriend, did you also both agree to date ONLY each other? Because that was a little fast, and if possible, you should still be casually dating other guys… That will help some of the problem.

      In addition, I think you should talk to him about his distance — just check in and see how things are going for him. Like this:

      “Hey, I haven’t heard as much from you lately. What are you thinking about these days?”

      You can’t know if you don’t ask, right? 🙂

      Another option is for you to invite him out. Go someplace fun. See what happens. This is still pretty new for both of you!

      • Yes we both accepted to date only each other:) I did chose a fun place for us to go yesterday but it was raining and we could not go because, his car was still at the mechanic … Thank you so much for your reply (hugs)

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