Soulshine, I know why you want a boyfriend. You want someone to make you feel special, and loved. You want a boyfriend to give you a sense of security, you want him to be unable to drag his eyes away from your sparkling soul; you want him to think you’re amazing and sexy, and you want to love how strong he is as you rest your head against his chest. You want to be adored and taken care of and treasured.
Of course you do! I can’t imagine anyone arguing with those things…
But there are better reasons for you to want a boyfriend, beautiful, and they begin with wanting to give love, rather than get your needs filled.
Because THIS kind of love – the kind which arises out of a desire to give, runs stronger, deeper, and truer, and results in the kind of love-filled life you dream of. The kind of life you deserve.
“Dear Claire, I am 43 yrs old and I’m done being single. And the guy that I’m interested in now has baby mama drama but we have been becoming friends. But I have it in my head now to cut our ties because I want to be more than friends and within the next couple of months I’m going in for surgery and I want him to be there but I know he won’t. Because my mind is on this surgery I find it hard to focus on anything else or anyone else.” – Piper
Hi, Piper. I can hear your anxiety about this surgery, and it makes perfect sense to me that you want to focus on just getting through this next season and healing your body.
I don’t think it’s necessary to cut ties with your friend, because you’re not interested in him just so that he can “be there” for you during this surgery.
I hear you wanting to say “But I AM interested in having him there for me, and I’m already frustrated and angry because I’m pretty sure he WON’T be.”
Just let that little bit go. Feel it, but don’t act on it. You can’t stop your feelings, but they’re not the boss of you.
Find others to support you during this process, but don’t lay this kind of heavy expectation on a man who isn’t committed to you, and who may not even see you as a girlfriend.
The reason you should be interested in a man is because you have something to give, not because you desperately want or need something from him.
I’m going to tell you my (super-goofy!) little story to show you what I mean. I hope it makes you smile and roll your eyes, but still see what I’m talking about…
The magic of attraction
I work from home, and I have these beautiful windows looking out into the woods behind our house. I’m an outdoorsy woman, and I love watching the incredible variety of birds that come to my yard. I’ve learned to identify them by their calls, habits, and their many shapes and colors.
And I could sit in my house and simply yearn for the the birds (particularly the hummingbirds, which I especially adore) to come find me, keep me entertained, and fill my days with pleasure. But nobody approaches backyard birdwatching that way. I did what everyone does. I learned what sorts of things my population of birds likes, and I put out feed for them.
And they flock to my yard.
I’ve refined my gifts to the birds over the years, learning when certain types fly in or out for the year, finding out which birds will share and which need their own feeders, discovering each avian variety’s favorite foods.
And as a result, I have as many birds in my backyard as I could ever dream of.
I attracted them NOT because I desperately needed them (to fix a hole inside me, or to make me feel special or loved or worthy), but because I had something to GIVE.
It works with the human heart, too.
Want a boyfriend because you have so much to give
If both partners are trying hard to GET a lot of their needs filled, it’s nearly impossible to GIVE anything. Which makes it difficult to grow in love together, because you have these needs to be filled.
And I know you have needs, everyone does.
But you must learn how to fill them for yourself, first.
Take care of yourself as you make your plans for this surgery. Get the support you need from those who love you.
Then, when you are really healed, take another look at this friendship. Evaluate whether a man who is tied up with a baby and the child’s mother is actually someone you want to invest your love in.
But love yourself first. Fill yourself up. Take care of all your needs.
DON’T settle for second best
If you want to learn how to attract the RIGHT kind of man into your life, then know when to move a relationship to the next level without scaring him off, you need to watch this video by Mirabelle Summers.
It’s NOT about “catching a guy,” it’s about freeing yourself from your past limitations and getting in touch with your most attractive self, then letting this guide you to the kind of life and love you dream of. That, and so much more.