One minute he’s all smiles, and the very next minute you feel like a tornado just blew through the room. How should you deal with a moody boyfriend or spouse?
Is it MY job to “smooth over” his moody behavior?
“Dear Claire, my boyfriend always asks me to do something…but after I do whatever he wants, he asks me to stop doing it and do the opposite thing. He is very moody and has a lot of anxiety. How should I deal with him? Please help.” — Naomi
People often get moody when they’re under a lot of stress. Stress is a normal part of life, but some seasons of life are much harder than others. And often the younger you are, the less experience you have in dealing with heavy life stresses.
And sometimes there are serious health issues that need to be dealt with by a licensed therapist or physician.
I hope your man NEVER, EVER says THIS to you. (7 words every woman fears)
But assuming it’s “normal” moodiness and not a situation that requires professional help, here is the first and most important thing to consider as you deal with a moody boyfriend or spouse…
Relationships are reciprocal; you shouldn’t ALWAYS be the one trying to help
Some of the women in my family were raised to always take care of the men, as if they were giant overgrown toddlers. If a man was hungry/sad/careless, the women would rush to feed/listen/clean up after them. And when the men were angry, the women tiptoed around, and did their best to “make the men happy.”
In some cases, this can create a real bully. If there is never anyone to question or object to their whims, moods, and tantrums, a man can began to feel like he has carte blanche to behave however he wants, whenever he wants.
It would be easy to blame the men for being so self-centered, but in fact, it takes two to create this sort of imbalance.
A healthy relationship is reciprocal, rather than one-sided.
Sometimes he’s frustrated and anxious and you are there to help him deal with it, and sometimes YOU get to be the one experiencing the stress overload, with him there to help you.
- How emotionally balanced does your whole relationship feel?
- What are each of you contributing to the imbalance?
Here are four specific steps that will help as you deal with your moody boyfriend or spouse…
1. Don’t reward constant moodiness
Rather than scurrying around to try and keep your moody boyfriend happy, you can take a different tack. Try ignoring his moods, and waiting to interact with him when he’s on an even keel.
If he isn’t getting a reaction out of you with his drama, but DOES gain your willing attention when he works to control his emotions, he may have more incentive to keep his moodiness in check.
2. Model good emotional processing
If you’re able to keep your head when a moody boyfriend is behaving dramatically, you can calmly describe what you see him doing, and invite him to share what’s going on for him.
“You seem really upset. Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”
If he’s willing to share, don’t get emotional yourself, but simply tell him what you’re hearing. For example,
“Wow, your boss was really hard on you again today. I can see how you’re starting to worry that you might lose your job.”
“It sounds like you really wish you didn’t have to deal with a mother who is chronically ill, and constantly in and out of treatment centers. It’s a lot for you to carry…”
EVEN if he’s making accusations about YOU, do your best to not get drawn into the whirlwind. If you’re feeling stable, you can mirror back what he’s saying.
3. Don’t rush to “fix” it
His crisis is not your crisis.
His emotional emergency is not your problem to fix right this minute.
You can certainly invite him to share what he’s thinking about doing, but just because there’s a problem doesn’t mean he wants or needs you to intervene, or that it would even be helpful to try when he’s in the middle of a mood swing.
If it IS a situation that involves you, you can agree to have a calm conversation about it at a future time you both agree to.
4. Take top-notch care of yourself
Dealing with a moody boyfriend or spouse can be draining, so be sure to take good care of yourself.
Treat yourself to plenty of quiet time, as well as time with close friends and people who have your best interest at heart.
Get help if you need it, and be smart about how long you let things go. If this is his constant state, and you never see any kind of improvement, this may not be the kind of relationship you want to be in…
Do you think he’s getting frustrated and/or bored with YOU?
This is a little bit painful to think about, I know.
But with how easy and quick it is for him to find someone with online dating, don’t relationships feel kind of… disposable?
What if no matter how much effort you put in, no matter how hot, laid back, and perfect you try to become, it still ISN’T ENOUGH to keep the man you want?
As soon as even one tiny thing goes wrong and he feels upset, he can use one of dozens of dating apps on his phone and find someone new like that. Ugh.
There’s even an entire industry (the “Hook Up” industry — like Blendr, Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison) spending millions of dollars every day advertising the idea to men that it’s idiotic to give his heart to one woman.
And the scary part is, men are listening to the “Hook Up” industry!
Men are less and less thinking about falling in love and finding the one… and more and more fixated on having as many casual, “no strings attached” hookups as possible.
So if you want to avoid having your man slip away into the world of easy hookups and no strings attached sex…
And you want him to think of you as the only woman on earth he could ever want… Then you need this, right now:
Some women think that it’s about finding “Mr. Right”, and that when they find him he’ll want to be with her and only her, and never want to leave her.
If that were true, then you’d never hear stories (or even KNOW) of someone who had her true love look up an ex-girlfriend on FACEBOOK, all because he got bored or irritated with her.
I bet you have friends who thought they’d found “The One,” only to later discover he was cheating with some girl he met online… or even worse, with one of his exes on Facebook!
That’s why it’s so important for you to discover a secret code that is the key to unlocking true, lasting love in the heart of every man.
In fact, this predictable pattern is the one that every guy goes through before he falls in love forever – and if you miss a step (or don’t know what to do next), he’ll never stay in love with you…no matter what you do.
Do this one thing, and he’ll finally realize it’s pointless to keep looking for another woman because he’ll have bonded completely and permanently to you.
Want to know the BEST PART?
This will work no matter how he feels towards you right now. He could even be furious and giving you the silent treatment and THIS will still work perfectly…
PS: If you’re like me, and prefer to READ, rather than watch a video, here’s the link that you’ll want: