It’s so hard to know whether you should wait on him or not…
Have you ever been marvelously in love with a man when suddenly, you began to wonder if the two of you have a future together?
The big problem with asking him if you should wait on him is…
If you were to ask, and he’s UNSURE about the future of your relationship, you suddenly start to have a thousand doubts…
Should you wait on him?
Or should you start the breakup process, so that eventually – after many tears, and more than a few new scars on your tender heart – you can move on with your life?
Whew, these moments are so incredibly challenging (and painful)… And they can go terribly wrong so quickly!
“Hi Claire (my name is also Claire!) — I’ve listened to a lot of your relationship advice, but I haven’t seen where you’ve addressed my issue. I’m in a long-term exclusive relationship with my boyfriend (we’ve lived together now for over a year), but I’m not feeling like our relationship is getting stronger. I’m actually not sure how to ‘make’ it get stronger either, although I’ve tried whatever I could. I think he’s getting restless if you know what I mean? Irritable and maybe frustrated, not sure. I’m no longer certain that we’re headed toward marriage and I’m pretty sure he knows that’s important to me. I’m trying my hardest and wondering if there’s something I’m missing. Should I just continue to wait on him?” — Claire M.
Hey there name-sister!
Here’s how to begin figuring out whether or not to wait on him…
Often I tell women NOT to wait on a man, but that’s ABSOLUTELY NOT a hard and fast RULE.
[VIDEO] He’s “With” You, But IS He Really?
In order to figure out what to do, you need to have the following things in place:
1. Know your timeline
You know how long you’re willing to wait on him before you decide he is or isn’t serious (or marriage material, or ready for a wedding). Maybe it’s one year, maybe three… Whatever it is, you need to know.
2. Communicate that timeline with him
You need to be lovingly clear and let him know what that timeline is so that he can make his own decisions.
This is NOT about ultimatums, threats, or drawing a line in the sand. It’s simple, heartfelt, clear communication.
“I love spending time with you. You are such an amazing man! And I hope in the next two years or so I’ll be waking up next to the man I love every morning, knowing he’s going to be there for me no matter what, knowing I’ll have the honor of loving and supporting him for the rest of our lives together. I’m wondering if that man will be you. What do you want your life to look like two years from now?”
3. AND, ask yourself these 10 questions…
- Is he deeply attracted to you?
- Do the two of you have similar foundational values?
- Does he make you a priority in his life?
- Do you feel amazing and strong and wonderful when you’re around him?
- Do you trust him completely?
- Do the people most important to you like him?
- Is he financially solid (or working to get there)?
- Does he want what’s best for you?
- Have you successfully been through some difficult things together, and come out better for it?
- Is he mature and willing to grow?
If you answered yes to most or all these questions, you are NOT “wasting your time” with him right now.
If your man scored terribly on these 10 questions, then yes, it’s time to gently break things off so that you can BOTH be free to move into your future.
And interestingly, this email came at exactly the same time as another similar message arrived… although the second one wasn’t sent to me!
But I think it’s deeply relevant…
Are you sending your man the RIGHT messages for a strong, EQUAL partnership?
My colleague Nadine Piat doesn’t typically answer questions online, but I ran across this email she answered, and it feels like precisely the right time to pass it on to you.
It sounds like lots of emails I receive, but Nadine’s answer is anything BUT routine (you’ll see what I mean in a minute) (sorry for getting so ahead of myself)…
A woman named Mandy wrote my colleague Nadine to say (the bolding is mine):
“Can you help me? I feel like my boyfriend is pulling away from me. Things used to be great, he is SUCH a good man, I really love him, but lately it feels like I am losing him. He says it’s just pressure from work, but it feels like more. He used to tell me he loves me all the time, and I could see in his eyes it was true – but now he seems distracted and everything I try is pushing him further away. He would rarely go out with his friends, though now he can’t seem to stay away from them. I feel terrible. He’s still ‘with’ me, but I don’t feel that he is REALLY mine, it’s as though I’m waiting for him to tell me it’s over. I can tell by the way he speaks to me that he’s frustrated with me, but he won’t tell me what the problem is. How can I get him back?” — Mandy
Now, Nadine and I are two different women, and her approach is a little different from mine. But there was one particular part of her advice to Mandy that seriously got my attention, and I’ll put it in bold again for you below…
Here’s what Nadine said in response…
“Hey Mandy, you are not the first person to get stuck in this kind of relationship and unfortunately, if you keep pushing him, he is just going to pull further away and will potentially end the relationship.
It’s normal for you to want to fix things, but you need to do it in an effective way!
When he is being short and frustrated with you, emotionally pushing you away or not giving you the attention you deserve… and your reaction is to try harder, give him MORE and do whatever you can to make him happy, you are doing more damage than good!
Without knowing it, you are training him to keep acting that way – because, guess what? He is getting a reward out of it! He’s getting attention and in an unhealthy way.
For him to come back to that place of true happiness and intimacy with you, which naturally leads to stronger commitment… you need do something powerful that will have HIM completely spellbound by you and back in love with you…”
She has more to say, of course, and I’ll give you the link to her technique (and the core of all her teaching), which she calls the “Emotional Barrier Eliminator” but I wanted to highlight the fact that Nadine is SPOT ON with her advice.
Here’s why “trying harder” when he gets frustrated is a terrible idea:
If YOU “work harder” when HE is out of sorts, you are putting yourself in a parent/child or teacher/student position (with your man being the parent or teacher) RATHER THAN a partner/partner position.
It’s like he’s angrily shaking a finger at you and you’re saying “I promise I’ll do better!”
This is SO not good for a healthy adult-to-adult relationship.
You’ve heard me talk about how it’s a bad idea to allow yourself to fall into the pattern of behaving like a man’s mother — it’s easy to do because many of us ARE mothers, raised to be mothering, and men are used to “being mothered” — and THIS is just as damaging.
Maybe worse, because it can endanger you in TWO major ways:
- physically (if you do this with a man who is likely to take advantage of it by abusing you)
- and spiritually (because it doesn’t allow you to be the fully-grown, powerful woman you are).
You don’t want to give up your power like this, beautiful one!
Nadine Piat is THE go-to woman for strategies that build healthier, stronger attraction between you and your man.
Her “Never Lose Him” program works for women in all kinds of situations!
- Young women… and women who are later in life and thought that love had passed them by
- Women with a few extra pounds to lose… and swimwear models (!!)
- Women who have children from previous relationships
- Women who had been single their entire lives used this method, found their man, AND have him begging for marriage
Her teachings are powerful and very effective, AND they are what Nadine used when she was dating the man who later became her husband and the devoted father to their children. He went from not wanting commitment (especially not marriage or kids) to a full about-face.
Nadine knows what it takes, and she’s good at teaching it, too.
No matter what your relationship situation is currently…
Even IF he’s lost interest and distanced himself from you…
Even if you’ve tried to talk things through…
Even IF you feel you did things you regret and wis you could turn back time to fix them…
And even IF you feel hopeless and unable to attract men, or have been single for years…
The “Never Lose Him” method is the foundation that you NEED, to get everything on the right track for a truly happy, fulfilling and healthy love life.
It is the shortcut to putting all of the heartbreak behind you and being with YOUR man forever.
PS: Seriously, if you’re feeling like Claire or Mandy in either of these two emails, and you want to stop the downward spiral once and for all, go watch this short, life- and love-changing video.