One of you doesn’t want to have sex much, and the other one does. But you love each other! Before you break up, have you at least TRIED these 7 solutions?
My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex as much as I do… Is this a reason to break up?
“Claire, I’m on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months. THE PROBLEM: HE HARDLY WANTS TO HAVE SEX!!! Sometimes it’s just not working down there and most of the times I get him aroused but he just DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE SEX!
He says that he is tired, and that he’s thinking about issues at work. But this happens a lot. I have talked to him about how I feel. He apologizes and says he will try to be better but the issue remains.
I don’t know what to do! I don’t know if this is a reason to break up. I love him, he loves me, and we spend lots of time together, but I don’t feel satisfied and I’m tired of always bringing this topic up. I’m not sure i can be with someone who doesn’t want a lot of intimacy.” Delany
Delaney, I hear your frustration loud and clear (the all caps might have given it away, lol). And I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I can promise you that you’re not alone.
And while I don’t know exactly what’s going on for your boyfriend, I know there are at least 7 different things you can try before you consider the BIG HUGE BREAKUP QUESTION (keep reading)…
Everyone’s libido is different. Have you tried these initial 3 things to help?
Sex drives operate on a spectrum. Some people want it a LOT, others not as much. Some don’t want to have sex at all. Our libidos are all different and weird and and hilarious and wonderful. And getting them to match can be deeply frustrating!
Here are 3 things to try:
- You can improve your skills at foreplay (especially YOU, to get him interested)
- You understand and can play to each other’s sexual preferences really well (do you KNOW what turns him on most?)
- You can broaden your definition of sex than just the “in and out” bit
Read more about these 3 things at this link.
It could be a life stress related issue.
If he doesn’t want to have sex, there are lots of normal life stress issues that could be causing the problem. A job issue (which you mentioned), the fact that a newborn baby is screaming you awake every 3 hours, a sick family member, financial problems, etc.
So it’s worth trying to find out if the OTHER problem can be addressed or “waited out.” You can even consider whether scheduling time to make love will help you through the rough time…
A quick search on “erectile disfunction” will give you tons of information, but even better would be for your boyfriend to get a doctor’s appointment to make sure he’s addressing any health issues that might be causing this.
Age also figures in.
As men get older, the equipment just doesn’t work as well. Girlfriend, this is why Viagra and other “male enhancement” prescription drugs are so widely available and easy to get. Again, this is an issue of seeing a doctor!
CHECKLIST: Have you been through ALL 7 of these “fixable” things?
Here’s the list for you, short and simple:
- Both of you are great at foreplay (especially YOU, to get him interested)
- You understand and can play to each other’s sexual preferences really well
- You have a much wider definition of sex than just the “in and out” bit
- The two of you did, in fact, troubleshoot the normal life stress issues
- You’ve tried scheduling sex to get you through the difficult times
- He sees a doctor and eliminates or addresses any health issues
- He gets a prescription for Viagra or something similar in order to get/maintain an erection.
In the end, it comes down to ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION:
Let’s say you’ve tried EVERYTHING.
Now you need to decide if the fact that your guy just doesn’t want to have sex as often as you do is a deal-breaker for you.
If your answer is yes, it’s a deal-breaker… Then you break up and try to find someone who might be a better long-term prospect.
But if he’s a wonderful man and otherwise a great match for you, then you have LOTS to figure out before you get to that point.
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