Resentment is a part of EVERY relationship. And when it starts taking up too much room in your heart…?
That’s when you gotta lean into the deep challenge of nourishing your soul in the BEST possible ways, and letting your heart roll, wallow, and SOAK in loving self-care until it’s dripping with gratitude.
What should I do with my resentment of my boyfriend’s daughter?
“Hi Claire. Thanks for all your amazing advice every week. Five years ago I left my husband after 22 years. It was a loveless marriage and I wanted more.
Four years ago I met a nice man on a dating website. He works away on the oil rigs and is gone for weeks at a time. When he is in this country he lives with me, and has done so for the last two years. However, I have a problem with his 8 year old daughter. She lives in another country and she seems to be jealous of the relationship I have with her father. And I also think that she would like her parents get back together, so in a way I suppose she sees me as the wicked person!
I don’t really like spending time with her as she is very spoilt and wants everything her own way all the time. I don’t get much time with her father at the moment as he’s away working but when I do see him, she’s also there as well. I have started to feel this resentment towards her and I don’t feel comfortable with it. Do I tell him how I feel, and risk damaging the relationship or do I continue as things are at the moment and suffer in silence??” —M.
Oh, M., this is going to challenge you, and it’s going to take a lot of patience! And it’s a struggle SO many women (and men) go through when “re-mixing” families.
But you absolutely CAN do it. You can build the kind of devotion you dream of, and eliminate the toxic resentment from ruining your chances at life long love.
All it takes is some HEART work….
Start from the unchangeable center of this:
He is her father, and he can’t change that.
She didn’t ask for her parents to divorce, and it’s incredibly hard for her little girl’s heart. Of course she’s jealous. And upset, and frustrated, and angry. She’s got plenty of resentment. And she will definitely act out at times, and be a challenge to her parents (and you!). This will be a situation she has to live with for the rest of her life.
It’s going to get much harder for her, too. Once she hits the teen years, she’ll have all this plus the out-of-control changes we all go through during those years.
Your boyfriend and his daughter are a package deal.
As you already know, when you love someone who has children, you get the person AND their children in your life.
It sounds like the man you’ve fallen in love with has a LOT on his plate. He’s often away with work, and he comes with a daughter (and an ex, with whom he has to interact on account of his daughter).
That’s on top of all the normal challenges of life and love!
If you love this man, you have to accept that he comes with all these things, and the two of you are going to have to find a way to work with that.
Your resentment makes sense, but your brain has to remind you: you may not (ever) get as much of his undivided time and attention as you want. He’ll always have his daughter (and ex), and he may not change jobs any time soon.
Can you live with that? Or do you need to re-evaluate the relationship?
Because you absolutely DO get to decide if this is the way you want to live.
And if you decide to stick with him (and his daughter), it will challenge you.
Wanna know what I think? I think a woman with your experience in life and love knows how to live with challenge! 🙂 Resentment is not who you are. And you aren’t going to let it win. You’re not even going to let it hang around (much)!
Here are some things that will help…
It helps to know your role.
You don’t have to be this child’s mom.
If you find yourself alone for any periods of time with your boyfriend’s daughter, you may have to do a small amount of parenting, but no more than you would do if you were babysitting for a good friend.
For the most part, parenting is your boyfriend’s job, so if he’s around, let him do that.
Be there for your man, giving him the emotional support he needs in a difficult situation.
You don’t want to make him think he has to CHOOSE between you and his daughter.
Yes, you can absolutely talk to him about getting “together time” with JUST him…
You just don’t want to frame your conversation in terms of your resentment of his daughter; that only puts him in an un-winnable situation.
But it IS reasonable to ask for and enjoy special time with just the two of you. Every couple with children has to figure out how to do this (we call it “date night”).
You don’t get much of it when children are young, but it does get easier after they become teenagers and don’t need as much constant and direct supervision.
And call in your support network, girlfriend!
When you really get full of resentment and need to complain (and we ALL need to sometimes!!), call up your best girlfriends, rather than pouring out your frustrations on your lover.
Even long-time married couples have to do this!
It’s smart to have a few deeply trustworthy women who love you and can listen while they make you comfort foods or take you out for a night on the town. 🙂
Get GREAT at doing excellent emotional recycling.
Don’t nurse, nourish, or stew in resentment. That isn’t the emotion you want to encourage.
Instead, look for and cherish the wonderful things about your relationship, your boyfriend, the fact that he has paying work and a healthy child…
You get the idea. Let your mind play and re-play the recording of the good gifts and memories, the things you love about him, the things you love about yourself and your life, the good times you have when you’re together with the man you adore.
Intentionally allow the negatives drift away like so many tiny feathers drawn out to sea by the waves.
You’ve been through harder challenges than this! You can do it, fierce heart.
Build a deeply respectful relationship with consistency and loving (not resentful!) DEVOTION…
If you’re serious about keeping resentment OUT your life, and instead filling your heart and relationship with an overflowing, nourishing love and devotion…
If you want to make a man feel a hungry desire for COMMITMENT with you that’s deeply, truly into the territory of long term love…
Listen to what love and relationship coach Amy North has to share about how to GROW your love into something amazing, starting now.
It doesn’t matter if you just came out of a bad breakup or messy relationship situation, and it has NOTHING to do with how pretty or attractive you think you have to be.
This is PERFECT for women who want MORE, who don’t feel desperate for just ANY kind of love-crumbs from a man.
Amy’s video (and that’s actually her, a few seconds in) begins with a massive love tactic, BUT there is just SO much more in the whole coaching program…
It absolutely GOES THE DISTANCE.
Amy also shows you:
A Soulmate’s Connection… She’ll reveal the three psychological loopholes that will make a man fantasize about spending the rest of his life with you. (You need to know this).
The “Obsession Formula”… You’ll learn a powerful set of words Amy calls a “Devotion Sequence” that make a man lust uncontrollably for you (even if he says he’s not interested).
A Sassy Little Texting Secret… Sick of guys ignoring your texts and calls? Her “Phone Phrenzy” tactic is designed to make men feel so much intrigue that they’ll often start texting and calling you TOO often…
Why Men Pull Away… Do you know the top 3 mistakes women make that cause men to lose interest? I’ll explain exactly how to avoid making these attraction-killing errors.
And of course, there’s so much more in her course.
If you are interested in building a long-term love, you should spend the time it takes to hear her out.
DO IT FOR YOU, bright soul.
PS: It doesn’t matter if you’re single or not either, because Amy’s program will even work on a distant husband OR drifting-away boyfriend.
Start building the deeply-devoted RELATIONSHIP you’ve dreamed of for so long