Have you ever gotten the sad, painful speech where “he’s not over his ex…”?
Ugh, it is one of the suckiest things that can happen.
It puts you in a terrible position (see below about getting stuck in the Friend/Therapist zone), and it makes you feel like a kicked puppy.
Yeah, some guys use it as a convenient EXCUSE, but it can also be a LEGIT reason why things aren’t moving forward in your relationship.
So what should you do when he tells you he’s not over his ex?
“Claire, I met a good guy that I like a lot. He’s spiritual, emotional, and sensitive. He is very open with how he feels. About 6 weeks ago he went away for a week to de-stress and seek clarity. He said he might still need to heal from his last relationship. When he got back he realized he is not over his ex. He cried telling me this and says he needs to be alone for the time being. I listened to him and he thought I would get angry but I didn’t. I told him I was sad and we talked and I left. It’s been about 6 weeks of no contact. What are your thoughts? We had a really strong connection and I still think about him.” — S.
Hi S. — It may be absolutely true that he’s not over his ex, but there are some VERY good things going on here:
- He was honest with you.
- He is willing to share what’s happening for him.
- He’s open with his emotions and feelings. (Kinda BIG!)
- He started dating you, which means he IS making an effort to move forward after his ex.
- He doesn’t expect you to “heal” him; he’s working on healing himself.
I’m not sure why you decided to cut him off completely, but I don’t think it’s a deal-breaker at all.
ELIMINATE the "emotional distance" between you and the man you love... (This is the signal a man needs from you to OPEN his heart!)
There’s possibility here, and if you are interested in seeing what might happen with this guy, try to start something slow and simple with him again…
Invite him out, and focus on the light, fun, and easy things.
EVERYBODY has an ex.
EVERYBODY has problems.
Don’t talk about those right now!
Just focus on making some good memories together for now.
He is working to get over his ex, and he isn’t expecting you to “fix” or “solve” or “heal” him. That’s not your job, anyway, right fierce-heart?
Ahhhhh. Just saying that should make you feel relieved, happy, and interested. 🙂
Don’t jump into bed with him.
Or anyone, unless you’re just looking to ONLY have sex with no strings attached.
But if your intent is to develop something long-term, let it wait until the two of you are more invested in each other.
Waiting is great foreplay!
And waiting helps you gather more information about the man you’re about to trust your most vulnerable, naked self to.
Waiting says you aren’t desperate for validation. You don’t need to trade on your most secret, private self to try and “keep him from leaving.” (Sweet woman, that’s an emotionally injured way to live.)
Go to bed with him when you BOTH are strong and confident. It’s no guarantee that things will last forever as a result, but it’s definitely a MUCH better way to approach this part of your relationship.
Continue to invest in your amazing life and future…
Even if HE’S not over his ex, that doesn’t mean YOU have to be stuck in sadness. You should be doing LOTS of other things besides going out with him once in a while.
Finish your degree, or make it to the next milestone in your career. Join that running club and knock the 5k off your bucket list, or finally set up your art studio.
Do YOU! Make it awesome! Build your fabulous future!
Date other guys, and communicate your timeline…
This means you have to know how long you’re willing to wait before you leave behind any stagnating relationships.
Then at the right time, communicate that with him.
You could say something like:
“I’m very serious about finding the man I want to spend my life with… I think I’ll know within [insert your timeline] of beginning to date someone whether or not he’s the one. What about you? How long do you date before you decide whether there’s a future for the relationship?”
“Someday, I want to stop dating other guys so that I can begin building a relationship with the one man who makes my heart sing. I probably wouldn’t date a guy for more than 3 months if I knew we would never become exclusive. What do you think?”
Stay OUT of the Friend/Therapist Zone
Remember, if you want to be a man’s girlfriend, you don’t want to put yourself in a position of always (or only) being the friend, or even worse, his therapist.
I can’t TELL you how many women fall too deeply into the therapist (or nurse) role…
Maybe he’s NOT over his ex. It still doesn’t mean YOU are in any way responsible for healing him. You should listen and be understanding, but know your limits.
Let him lean on the emotionally healthy guides and friends in his own circle of resources, and give him some time (you get to decide how much, see above).
And meanwhile, be the confident, sexy girlfriend he wants to win!
You THINK he’s lost interest… but HAS he really?
When you’re dealing with a man who feels he is not over his ex, or who is (intentionally or unintentionally) emotionally DISTANCING himself, what you need to do is figure out how to reduce that barrier between you to rubble, right?
You should take a look at her technique — she calls it “The Emotional Barrier Eliminator” — and see exactly how she teaches women to DISSOLVE the toughest barriers and MELT the hearts of the best men (and the especially difficult ones, too).
What Nadine teaches is what she personally used when she was dating a man who was emotionally detached. Before they met, he had never wanted to get married and have children. He went from that position to wanting lasting love and commitment.
So not only has it worked for thousands of other women, it worked for Nadine too!
Don’t STAY in your sadness, sweet soul! (There’s absolutely NO REASON why you should.)
NO situation is too hard to fix.
- Even IF he’s lost interest and distanced himself from you…
- Even if you’ve tried to talk things through…
- Even IF you feel you did things you regret and wis you could turn back time to fix them…
- And even IF you feel hopeless and unable to attract men, or have been single for years…
There is still hope.
PS: It may sound a little corny, but Nadine has a great, tender, loving heart. (She’s like me and you!) She LOVES hearing the success stories from women when they are able to successfully ELIMINATE that painful emotional distance between themselves and the man they love.
Stories of men they had almost given up on, going from cold and withdrawn to so fiery hot with passion it would make honeymooners blush!
She’s fun, and her work is solid.
If this is an issue you’re struggling with, you can’t go wrong by listening to Nadine…