The first time I saw the movie Jaws I was in high school, and it kept me from swimming in the ocean for years.
But what happens if you grow your own toothy little predator from the time it’s a baby in a fishbowl?
Sometimes you only remember how punk-rock and cute it was in that bowl at the fairground game booth, and since you long ago released it into the ocean, you don’t realize how deadly it has become.
Or that it might be coming for YOU.
We all have emotional issues. The trick is in knowing when you have a deadly relationship killer on your hands, and doing everything you can to defeat it before it wreaks havoc in your life.
And in this letter, the REAL monster is NOT what it first appears to be…
“Claire, I have been dating my boyfriend for two years, and recently he started talking to me about getting to “play” with another couple. He claims this is going to bring us together and only happens if you really love your partner and want to provide extra pleasure outside the relationship. We set up a date with some friends of his but it got cancelled in the last minute and he went emotionally down to the point we hardly talked. Then I was able to set up the “playdate” between the male and myself. My boyfriend wasn’t even present and he is extremely happy and catering and loving me to the extreme. I’m not sure if I would like to keep doing this Swingers life. But if I said no to him, our relationship might end. What do you suggest?” – Amanda
Hi Amanda, thanks for writing. And girlfriend, I don’t think your question is about swinging at all. It’s about whether you want to be in a relationship with the kind of man, who, if you say no to him, the relationship might end.
Red flag 1: If you say “no,” he might leave you?
In this situation the relationship killer is not swinging, it’s your fear that he might not want you anymore if you disagree with him on something that’s important to you.
I know that’s hard to hear. But there are some other issues here as well.
Red flag 2: Is “swinging” the gorilla glue in a relationship?
You said “he claims this is going to bring us together…”
Let me assure you that you don’t have to sleep with lots of other people in order to draw closer as a couple. Only hard work, honest communication, and deep commitment are going to do that.
Red flag 3: Are you (and the two of you together) a priority for him?
Another red flag was when that first swinging date was cancelled, and “he went down emotionally to the point we hardly talked.”
It sounds like these “playdates” are far more important to him than anything else in his life, and definitely more important than his relationship with you.
I know you’re not 100% sure that this is something you are interested in. And maybe you’re trying to figure that out. But with all the other signs of trouble here, I don’t think that’s where you should put your energy…
3 steps to defeat this relationship killer before it devours you
1. Learn to value yourself deeply
You are in control of your own self-worth.
You must value yourself enough to believe that what you think and say are important. You must be absolutely convinced that your “no” ought to be given weight and respect with any person you love.
I know that’s easy to say and hard to do… and it’s even harder to figure out HOW to do it. But here are a few starting points.
Take a look at your life, and ask yourself these questions:
- What are the big dreams I have in my life? (Name at least 3)
- Am I taking baby steps every day toward the things in life I dream of?
- Am I pursuing my dreams in the BEST possible way (or am I constantly compromising because of what other people want)?
When you can answer those three things with a resounding “Yes! I’m following my dreams in the best possible way,” then you’re back on track.
And as an added bonus, you’ll have more clarity about this guy you’re currently dating.
This particular relationship killer – the shark that’s eating your self-worth – is going down in flames, girlfriend. 🙂
You deserve ALL of the RIGHT Man’s Heart
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Every time Mike looks at the wedding ring on his finger he’s reminded of this this MAGICAL thing that happened when he found himself eager to give up other women… wanting to be THE ONE she needed him to be…
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2. Remember, it’s not your job to please others.
Make this your new mantra: “It’s not my job to make him happy.” Your job, darling, is to seek out and live your best life.
And if you’re not fully in charge of the kind of woman you are, someone else will be.
You need to know WHO you are (and respect what that means) in order to really value yourself.
3. Draw from your support network
It’s absolutely CRITICAL that you associate yourself with the right kind of people, because that’s the kind of people you become most like.
Draw closest to you the people who love you unconditionally, and who have your best interest at heart. Let go of the people who only want to drain you, bring you down, or make you confused.
You got this, beautiful…
And even more, you DESERVE this. I believe you’re ready to capture the RIGHT man’s heart and let him love you forever. You were born to love wonderfully and fully, and have that passion returned in kind. My very best to you!