Can a boyfriend be “too strict”? One woman had a ladies’ night out in Vegas and this is what happened afterward with her boyfriend…
“His standard of behavior seems a bit too strict. But how can I win him back?”
“Dear Claire, last Tuesday night my boyfriend and I were totally good. Moving into the part of the relationship where the future was being discussed seriously.
The next night my girlfriends surprised me with a dinner and a show (we live in Las Vegas). The show was “Magic Mike.” Fun night. Not innocent but not trashy either.
He flipped out and has declared me “loose” and not someone he can give his “heart or future” to.
He’s wrong about me. I’m monogamous and loyal. I didn’t want to hurt my girlfriend’s feelings by saying “I can’t be here.” And his standard of behavior seems a bit too strict. I don’t mind living up to his standard but how can I win him back?” — Lost in Las Vegas
Okay, LiLV, I just finished watching the trailer (twice) (possibly three times) for the Vegas Magic Mike show. Super sexy and I would totally go.
I showed it to my guy and he was like, “Yeah. Girls would like that. Whatevs.”
Which made me laugh. You know every man in the world wishes they had abs like that.
But to your question, Ms. Lost.
If your boyfriend was shocked that you went to this show in Vegas (where you live) with girlfriends, then he may not know you very well yet.
- It is 100% normal for a woman to go out with her girlfriends.
- It also seems fairly normal for people who live in Vegas to see Vegas shows.
- This particular show doesn’t seem so different from a zillion stage shows with women wearing giant headdresses and thongs. (I think of Moulin Rouge, Radio City Music Hall, etc.)
This doesn’t particularly feel like a seedy strip joint with dozens of naked women pole-dancing and inviting creepy, drunk men into the back room for a little extra on-the-downlow cash for services.
I’ll have more to share about this in a minute, but let me make my next point.
A word about WHY you went out…
You said you went “because you didn’t want to hurt your girflriends’ feelings.”
It would be SO much BETTER if you said, “I went because I wanted to. Because it sounded fun, and I love being with my gal pals. We had a blast.”
That way you stand in a place of your own personal strength. You’re not feeling ashamed or embarrassed or afraid of someone else’s judgement.
You’re not trying to hang your decision on your girlfriends.
Own your choices, beautiful woman. You have NO reason to apologize.
The fact that he called you “loose” is completely out of line.
I can see a guy being surprised — because he doesn’t know you very well yet — but this behavior was rude.
He should have said “I’m surprised, I didn’t expect that. Let’s talk about it.”
But by immediately slinging mud, he is not just calling your character into question, he’s being offensive and disrespectful.
This UNEXPECTED text attracts lots of guys... Click to watch!
Parents might be “too strict,” but that’s not a boyfriend’s role…
It can be easy to slip unknowingly into a parent-child setup in your relationship. But you are not “his” to control with his “too strict” rules.
The two of you are PARTNERS on equal footing.
This is a good opportunity for the two of you to talk.
Speed bumps, difficulties, issues, and tangles in a relationship are so normal it’s almost boring. 🙂
If you haven’t had any of those with this guy before now, welcome to the next phase of your relationship. This is an opportunity for both of you to grow deeper together.
The next thing you should do is find a low-stress time and private space where the two of you can have a level-headed conversation about this whole thing.
But be aware of this potential trap…!
As you talk you may need to make some serious decisions about what YOU want in a lifelong partner…
Because IF it turns out that you going to see Magic Mike is a relationship dealbreaker to him, and he never wants you going to shows, or if he’s if he’s opposed to you going out with girlfriends, or doing ANYTHING he doesn’t know about or approve of in advance, you have a problem.
This “too strict” business is overly controlling behavior, and you don’t want to get tangled up in that. It can turn ugly fast.
You may also learn that he’s very sex-negative, and that may be an issue as well.
And here’s another concern I have…
I DON’T think you should immediately curtail your life in order to “live up to his standards”
A good, balanced relationship is NOT about one person trying to center everything around the other person’s standards or desires, it’s about an equal partnership.
You need to find a man who will be comfortable with your strengths as a woman, and who is comfortable talking with you if he has concerns (rather than slinging insults and being childish and demanding).
And one last thing, just in case you didn’t already think of it…
It’s POSSIBLE that was already looking for a way out of the relationship, and he’s just using this as an excuse to break up.
You said the two of you had begun talking about a future together. Sometimes this scares guys who aren’t ready to commit.
Then you went out with your girlfriends, and something in him recognized an easy exit.
I think it’s more likely that he just over-reacted. I hope he feels a little embarrassed about the whole thing, and will apologize for being so inappropriate.
No matter what, you’re smart to think through all the different parts of this, and make the effort to talk with him. Plain old good communication can take you so far!
Have you ever heard of “positive discomfort”?
I know, it’s weird. How can discomfort be positive?
The idea of “positive discomfort” is a psychological concept which explains why we value the things we have to work hard for.
Men in particular are genetically programmed to value things that aren’t just handed to them — the things they have to work for.
If you’re interested in grabbing a man’s attention and making him crave you, you should know about this.
(Btw, I am NOT saying that you should play hard to get with a guy!)
What I’m talking about is a cocktail of pleasure and discomfort mixed in together.
It basically means that you make him feel 90% pleasure mixed with 10% discomfort.
It cranks up his emotional intensity towards you and he feels this hot, raw and intense craving or desire for you which is pretty addictive for most guys.
This is the kind of intense, positive focus and hungry (!!) interest from a man a woman dreams about!
It’s the kind of love which makes him stay up at night thinking about you, the kind of love which makes him want to hold you, touch you and be close to you as much as possible.
The kind which will make him forget about other women, and see YOU as his best possible choice.
It sounds good because it IS good, girlfriend.
So check it out! 🙂
PS: This “recipe” works on ALL men – whether you are already married or if the two of you are currently just casual acquaintances.
Make him treat you like the QUEEN you are, girfriend!
PPS: I know you sometimes talk yourself down and tell yourself “I screwed this up with him.”
It doesn’t matter because you are not your mistakes!
You can still move forward in your life and love. And you WILL! ♥️