Do you have a dating belief (or several) that’s holding you back when it comes to relationships?
If you’re experiencing heavy frustration with dating (and in this day and age, it’s not unusual!), take a look at the ideas below. You might be able to work your way gently through to the other side…
“Men are pathetic…”
“Claire, the problem I keep running across is that the supply of emotionally healthy men worthy of respect is much lower than the number of women looking for them.
The women I know who have good boundaries and self-esteem (mostly because I can’t be around low self-esteem people; I find them toxic) are all single and have remained so for all their lives. The idea that the right man will magically find you seems categorically false. Almost every man they or I try to date tries to destroy our emotional equilibrium. So single we stay.
I had a great man that I really respected. He was the first man that I found worthy of respect and I’m 48. But I got, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” And what I loved about him was that I could have my own life around him. Most men confuse controlling behavior with love and expect me to give up what’s important to me for him. Not happening.
I’ve started dating again, and I’m keeping it casual because I’m not yet ready for a serious relationship. And what I’m struck by is just how desperate men are. They either want sex now or married yesterday. They send out messages and likes indiscriminately just to see what sticks to the wall, as if women are interchangeable. They have no interest in women as individuals? Why are there NEVER any articles addressed to men about being less desperate?
Liberal use of the delete button does make dating less horrible, but I’m getting tired of all the desperation coming my way.
I’ve always thought I was great, and I’ve always had my own life. I am just really tired of being alone. Though I would rather be alone than with a crappy guy. But it seems that I may never meet a man who can love and appreciate me when it seems I only ever meet one every 25 years.
I mean you can have perfect love for yourself and still end up with zero companionship because one can’t attract what doesn’t exist. I’m not saying great men don’t exist, but they are in extremely short supply and the chances of my attracting one is abysmal just as a numbers thing. I mean, if all my fabulous girlfriends are single into their fifties, it’s because there is simply not enough great men. The only married women I know are hot messes. And yeah, they settled because they are hot messes.
It seems the price of being a great woman is to never have a family and be alone for all your life. Every date turns into a man testing you to see what you’ll settle for, and I’m tired of it.
I mean, the more awesome I get, the more pathetic men around me get.
I’ve become the man I’ve always wanted. And like does not seem to attract like. The average man is like, “oh, you think you’re someone special? Let me bring you down to my level!”
I think the real problem is that we live in a misogynistic culture and few men are capable of truly respecting women.” — P.
I hear your frustration, P., and I know that other women get to this point, too.
You didn’t actually ask me for advice, but just off the top of my mind I have a few thoughts you might want to take a look at…
Here’s a short list of 8 problematic dating beliefs or expectations, and their healthier counterparts:
Most women know that a great relationship doesn’t just arrive on your doorstep fully grown. Long term, loving relationships are built with years of hard work.
Here are a few expectations that I sometimes hear (and some of which I hear in the comment above) from women, along with a better way to look at or approach it…
1. Problematic Dating Belief: I want to meet a man who doesn’t expect me to compromise.
Healthier Approach: I know what things are truly important in a relationship, and I’m perfectly willing to negotiate (or let go of) the small stuff. Every compromise in a relationship doesn’t equal “settling.”
2. Problematic Dating Belief: Most men are out to destroy a woman’s emotional equilibrium.
Healthier Approach: I’ve been hurt before, but my pain is not who I am. I’ve worked toward my own healing and don’t project my past onto every man who comes into my life.
3. Problematic Dating Belief: I’m looking for a man who has ALL the things I need and want in a life partner.
Healthier Approach: I don’t expect a man to be the perfect solution to all my needs. My life is full and complete (and happy!) even without a man in it.
4. Problematic Dating Belief: I have perfect love for myself. I’m awesome, but men are pathetic and only want to bring me down to their level.
Healthier Approach: I am strong and confident, and I have room to grow, just like everyone else. There are broken or imperfect men out there (just like there are broken and imperfect women), but most men are not out to tear me down.
Healthier Approach: Most people like good sex, but I’m not going to start out a relationship that way. There are plenty of men out there who also want a relationship, just like me.
6. Problematic Dating Belief: The majority of men out there aren’t worthy of my respect.
Healthier Approach: We’re all human. We’re all trying to find our way in the world. Some men won’t feel the same way I do or want the things I want, but that doesn’t make them bad people.
7. Problematic Dating Belief: The only married women I know are hot messes. They settled because they are hot messes.
Healthier Approach: I’m careful to build and maintain friendships with emotionally healthy people. Not everyone in my life has their sh*t together, but most of us are working on it.
8. Problematic Dating Belief: Dating is horrible.
Healthier Approach: Dating is a challenge just like many important things in life are. Sometimes dating is a pain. But dating CAN be fun and low-pressure. It doesn’t have to be a high-stakes game.
Build on your strength and cultivate your hope, beautiful woman…
You’re absolutely right — there’s a lot of misogyny in our lives and cultures, and it can be a battleground to wade through that. But you sound strong.
I believe if you can see through your anger and loneliness to a slightly softer place where you accept that the struggle is real for all of us, and that beautiful, imperfect, loving relationships can be built and sustained, and set your mind to creating the kind of life you love (with or without a man in it), things will come together for you.
My heart is with you. I know it’s difficult. It’s enough to make any woman furious and disappointed. But there is also hope…
If you’ve ever wondered why it seems so difficult to find a high-quality man for a long-term, committed relationship…
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Give her a chance to tell you about what she learned growing up, and why it has helped her overcome every single obstacle most women face when trying to build healthy relationships with men…
- The single biggest mistake women make when communicating with their man that instantly makes him want to avoid her. If he’s become cold and distant, it’s most likely because of this.
- The #1 criteria men use to decide if you’re “long term relationship material” or just good for short-term sex. HINT: it’s not at all what you think, and has nothing to do with sex. Most women around the world were taught the exact opposite of what really works.
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If you have ever asked yourself, “Where are all the good men?”
No more wondering why the GOOD men are not pursuing you….
No more trying to “test the waters” and see if he’s commitment material.
You’ve never heard anything like this before…
PS: And listen, if you’re with someone now and you decide to move on at some point in your life, it won’t matter.
You’ll have the rock solid confidence of knowing you can not only attract a great man into your life, and you’ll also have transformed into the kind of woman who can easily keep him.
How wonderful would that feel!?
To know that you never again have to worry about being alone, because you’ll have the one thing men desperately want in a woman (and never get).