How long should you wait to have sex?
How do you decide it’s time?
“Hi Claire! First of all, I LOVE your emails! And I LOVE your Capture His Heart series as well. My question has to do with how to respectfully and tactfully put off having sex with a guy.
I used to be THAT girl that would sleep with a guy on the first date, because I thought that was how to get a guy. I now know that is completely wrong.
I have gotten good at not sleeping with a man on the first date, but how do you handle the second date, or third, or fourth, or whatever. I know there is not magic a number for when you SHOULD sleep together, but I feel like even the second date is too soon.
Every program I have gone through has told me that if you want to be “wife” material the guy has to respect you and a man does not typically respect a woman much if she’s giving it up to soon. Do you have any advice on how to navigate those waters? Thanks!” — M.
If you just want to have some no-strings-attached sex without worrying about whether or not there’s a relationship involved, that’s one thing.
Having sex too soon complicates things because you can end up trying to salvage a bad relationship because you think it’s more advanced (because you’ve had sex with him) than it actually is.
But how long should you wait to have sex?
If you’re looking for commitment from a man, why not wait to have sex until you are starting to see some level of commitment?
If you want to minimize the risk that having sex is his ONLY goal with you, you can wait to have sex until you reach specific relationship milestones.
These go (mostly) in increasing order of relationship progress or commitment, so you can pick a spot that feels comfortable and say to yourself, “When we reach THAT point, I’m going to take the risk of having sex with him.”
1. The “No Numbers” Milestone
Do you feel like you OWE him something?
If you think he’s gonna dump you after date number ___, he’s not the guy you’re looking for. This is actually a great way to weed out a lot of the men you’re dating.
When you are multiple dates in, and you feel like he is interested and excited about being with you EVEN THOUGH you haven’t had sex yet, you may have reached this milestone.
2. The “No Makeup, No Fakeup” Milestone
When a relationship is brand new, you are often working your (brilliant and gorgeous) tailfeathers off to show your very best side (ONLY).
When you reach the “No Makeup, No Fakeup” milestone, you have let him see you in less than your best circumstances, and you’re both okay with it.
It’s sort of like cleaning your apartment before a friend comes over. With a REAL friend, you don’t worry so much about what your house looks like because you know she loves you for YOU.
3. The “Troubled Waters” Milestone
This one is an indicator that he’s willing to wade through an emotional swamp with you, which is a pretty amazing thing to have in a boyfriend.
Have the two of you been through some sort of serious disagreement or argument and come out stronger and closer?
You could wait to have sex until you reach this milestone, because the more troubled waters you successfully navigate and grow from, the closer you become.
4. The “Trust Score” Milestone
This one is not really a measure of commitment, but it DOES tell you how much you can trust him, which is pretty important.
Score him on the following five questions:
- Listening/Understanding: My boyfriend tries to understand before he tries to be understood.
- Integrity: His actions match his words 75-100% of the time. When he says he will do something, I feel pretty confident he will. And the things he does are in line with his values and beliefs.
- Goals and Expectations: He knows his own goals and boundaries, and is very clear in his expectations of me, and of others.
- Knowing Your Needs: He knows what acts of love and kindness fill my emotional bank account, and he does them regularly.
- Responsibility/Accountability: He will apologize when he screws up, and he always does his best to make it right.
If your man scores high, that’s a huge indicator that you CAN trust him, and you might want this before you decide to sleep with him.
5. The “Narrowing it Down” Milestone:
He’s deciding to STOP seeing other women.
He’s making you one of his top priorities in life. 😊
Instead of “dating” being on his list of things that are important, YOU are on his list.
He may even begin to talk to you about exclusivity.
THIS may be the milestone you’re waiting for!
The longer you wait to have sex, the more likely it is that you’ll need to have a clear and loving conversation with him…
You are in charge of your own sexuality, and you get to choose when and to whom you share that part of yourself.
But if you decide to wait to have sex, you should also be willing to have a simple and honest conversation about why this is important to you, and what you are looking for in the relationship.
And understand this CRITICAL FACTOR about a good man, for a good relationship…
The most important thing that will affect a man’s ability to deeply engage with you is the level of TRUE RESPECT he feels from you, in your attitude, your actions, your words.
When I say “deeply engage,” I mean
- emotional openness,
- willingness to work through problems,
- true investment in the relationship,
- and the desire to make you happy above all else.
Which sounds good, right? He wants respect from you, you understand that, Aretha Franklin sang about that, what’s the big deal?
Before you pass this off as not important right now, let me say this (and I think you’ll resonate with it):
True respect is SHOWN, not just SPOKEN with words.
Respect matters to men in ways women DON’T always just see or know (without a little training in male psychology).
Women think about it one way, men think about it entirely differently.
James Bauer has a video that describes the profound experience he’s had with teaching women what he calls “The Respect Principle.”
As a professional dating coach, there are few things I have to offer women that have a more deep and powerful effect in their lives.
It’s not difficult to stoke a man’s feelings for you by simply using raw sexual power, but you can fire him up in a much DEEPER, more PRIMAL way.
What if you could make him want to love you — not just physically — but emotionally and spiritually, for the rest of your life…
What an amazing, life-giving relationship that would be, right?
THAT’S what this is all about.
If you want a deep, true, primal, REAL connection with a man that loves you for you, you need to watch this.
You’ll learn how to tap into a man’s deep psychological NEED for something only YOU can give him.
It’s fascinating how powerfully TRUE RESPECT affects EVERY aspect of your relationships.
And once you understand exactly how MEN experience it (’cause you already know how we ladies experience it and it’s TOTALLY different for us than it is for them)…
…I think you’ll find painful relationship experiences will become a thing of the past.