Even when you’re in the middle of a painful breakup, it’s nearly impossible to stop your heart from asking the question… “Should I try to get him back?”
5 Critical Things to Consider If You Want to Try to Get Him Back
“My ex and I just broke up a month ago and it’s been 1 week of no contact. The reason for the breakup is that he’s found another girl. After the breakup, I found out that near the end of the relationship, he hasn’t been all that faithful. But I still feel that he is the one. What should I do? Do you think that I can get him back? If so, can I get him to be faithful to me?” — Crystal
Good for you for doing some hard thinking about this, Crystal. From your message, I’m seeing that you’re doing the right things (no contact), and you’re reviewing the relationship to see where this one went wrong.
So you’re well underway! Nice to have a bit of good news, huh? ? Now for the harder stuff…
1. Before you try to get him back: Understand why the breakup happened.
There are lots of reasons relationships go awry, but there are two big, connected reasons you want to think about in your particular situation…
REASON 1. Breakups happen when someone is no longer interested, or has become more interested in a different person they’re dating.
That sounds like the main reason in your case, Crystal. But here’s something else that seems to be going on…
REASON 2. Breakups happen when a guy is NOT looking for a deeper relationship or commitment.
It could just be that he enjoyed time with you, but also sees this other woman and thinks, hey! I can have the first one AND the second one. (And even more women, if I do it quietly…)
He doesn’t feel any need to actually commit to one woman if he can simply go from one to another.
2. Before you try to get him back: Decide exactly what YOU want in a relationship.
So sleeping with lots of women (without any other kind of commitment) may be what HE wants, but the important thing here is to figure out what YOU want, so you can communicate that clearly, either to him, if the two of you decide to try again, or in your next relationship.
I’m guessing that you want an exclusive relationship with one man, one woman, that leads to marriage.
Two things that will help you here:
FIRST: Don’t be exclusive until you are dating a man who is ready to be exclusive with you. Don’t let any single man believe you’re all his unless he has decided he’s going to be all yours, too.
SECOND: Do be clear about your limited availability. Don’t let a guy think you’ll wait around for him forever. Know your own timeline and find a way to communicate that with him in a calm, non-threatening way. Something like this:
“I probably wouldn’t date a guy for more than 3 months if I knew it wasn’t serious.”
3. Before you try to get him back: Rate his level of integrity.
Now, to your question… “Should I try to get him back?”
Here’s what I can tell you.
Actions speak louder than words.
What someone SAYS is far less important than what they DO.
If he is a man of integrity, his actions and his words MATCH.
If the two of you had agreed to an exclusive relationship, and yet he was with not just one, but a number of other women, that’s not a man of high integrity.
Is that the kind of man you want to be with?
4. Before you try to get him back: Check your relationship for other red flags.
Look back and evaluate your relationship. Were there other problems besides the infidelity?
Here are 5 questions to help you think this through:
- After the initial “crazy in love” part of your relationship faded, did you still feel strong and good and beautiful when you were around him?
- Did the people most important to you like and trust him?
- Do you believe he wants what’s best for you? Can you think of examples of times he showed that?
- Have you successfully been through some other difficult things together, and come out better for it?
- Did the two of you work to communicate the things that make you feel loved (love languages) and were you doing those things for each other?
5. Before you try to get him back: Prep yourself for powerful, effective communications.
IF you decide you still want to pursue this man and try to work things out, the conversations you have about what you want in the relationship are going to be very important.
And even if you decide to let this guy go and look for a man who is interested in the kinds of things you want in a relationship, this article will also be a great resource for you.
Figure out what YOUR shining, bruised heart needs most, and take care of yourself, okay. I’m cheering for you, beautiful woman. ♥️
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