Intimacy & Sex

What If I’m Not Very Good in Bed?

Nobody becomes a sexual superhero by watching porn, waving their “magic wand” around, or unleashing their inner stripper. Having a mind-blowing sex life takes work, experimentation, and a great partner.

Too bad you can’t run to the corner store and purchase a mind-blowing sex life in a box. That would make things easier. (But it would be hard to keep that stuff in stock, wouldn’t it? And buying lube and condoms would be nothing compared to asking the awkward 17-year-old behind the counter if there’s any more “Mind-Blowing Sex” in the back.)

So let’s say you’re new to the game. Or new-ish. Or you have a new partner. What, if anything, should you be worried about?

“Hi, Claire – My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for several months, and I think he is The One! We’re even talking about marriage but we haven’t done the deed yet. With each other that is!! Neither of us is a virgin, but I know he watches porn, and I can’t compete with that. What if I’m not very good in bed!? I’m starting to get afraid that we will have come this far, and now I might ruin everything. Please write me back!” – Kendra

Hi, Kendra. Boy do I have good news for you, darlin’.

The Simple Secret Bedroom Truth

Imma ’bout to let you in on a secret that all guys know, but women sometimes forget…

This is not about whether you are “good in bed.” Your man will be thrilled to be having sex with you. Yep.

It will make him feel amazing, it will be deeply pleasurable, and he is going to be elated to have a living, breathing, marvelously naked woman in his embrace. The fact that it will be with a woman he adores will be the cherry on top of an already enormous ice cream sundae. Like the 8-scoop “Earthquake” kind they sell at Swenson’s, where they set off the siren and hand out extra spoons.

So no, you do not have to be some kind of sexual Cirque du Soleil acrobat to make a man feel awesome about getting busy with you. And you don’t have to think like a porn star or channel your inner Nicki Minaj.

[Tweet “Do you know this secret bedroom truth?”]

But that doesn’t leave you free to lay there and think of England. You get to have fun here too, and that’s going to be an additional turn-on for him.

So here are three simple tips for you as you get ready for your first mattress mambo with the love of your life.

1. Turn down the pressure.Good in Bed 2

Don’t put all the emphasis on “the first time” with a new partner. First times are usually pretty awkward, even if you’re the kind of woman who has been makin’ bacon three times a week with her man for years. New partners change things.

So rather than putting so much pressure on yourself for this initial exploration, think of it as just the first tiny preview of a fascinating new journey. (Don’t tell him I said “tiny,” lol!)

On a related note, quit worrying about porn. Yes, he watches it, but he would MUCH rather be naked with you than sitting hunched over and glassy-eyed in front of a computer in his cold, lonely bedroom.

2. Start before he does.

Guys are ready right this instant. If you wave the starting flag, your man will be halfway around that first curve and driving like a maniac before you can unhook a front-fastening bra. Guys enjoy, but don’t particularly need, foreplay.

But most women need to warm up their sexual engines if they want to really enjoy the drive. And this is a job you know how to do. But if you don’t, you’re in for a treat, gorgeous. Your mission is to get your brain and body so far ahead that you’ll be revved up and shaking before he even lays hands on you.

So! Get out your favorite trashy beach novels, steamy romances, or women’s erotica. Read the naughty bits (mine fall right open to those bits :)).

Do all the things that make you feel like you are the sultry, sexy Queen of Sheba. Slip into your silkiest, yummiest underwear. Or slide into a kimono.

Have an extended yoga session and think lots of deliciously dirty thoughts.

Relax in a luxurious candlelit bath with all your fave spa treatments and lightly stroke, rub, and squeeze all the lady bits that love such treatment… (Do I need to tell you NOT to orgasm? Didn’t think so. Save that so you can enjoy it together.)

You get the idea.

3. Use your words. (And when words fail, use your sounds!)

A new partner will not know what makes you shiver with orgasmic delight unless you tell him. Obviously you can say it, or you can take his hand, mouth, or other compelling body part and draw it to the place that aches for connection, then groan with pleasure when he gets it juuuuust… right.

And guess what? You don’t even have to learn to talk dirty (although you can put that on your list for later). Your man is going to love hearing you tell him “More of that, and hurry,” or “When you do this, I feel so… naughty/hot/shivery/wicked,” or “That makes my _______ ache in the best way ever.”

In addition, it’s really helpful to communicate between sessions so you can each talk about what really worked well for you, and what things need to be shifted up a few notches or left out of the next hot and heavy.

Have fun, Kendra! Women everywhere are raising a toast to your sensual success.

Wanna light up your “naughty” side?

You don’t have to strap on your 9-inch acrylic heels, or learn pole dancing, or get raunchy, either. In fact, when you watch this video from Felicity Keith you’ll learn how to get a man more turned on and desperate for you while fully clothed, and acting totally innocent . . .than any other woman he’s ever met could while totally naked . . . 🙂 It’s kinda fun. Okay, a lotta fun. Well, you be the judge… Check it out!

xoxo Claire

7 comments on “What If I’m Not Very Good in Bed?

  1. Hello,
    I love your blogs, and I feel they would really speak to my clients. Can I repost them on my studio blog, with proper credit of course. please let me know.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Mistie — I’ll email you so that we can chat privately about it. You have a lovely site started over there! The colors in particular make me feel totally romantic and dreamy… Gorgeous.

  2. Hi Claire,
    I purchased your Capture His Heart program about a year ago and I have been getting the Digital Romance newsletters and videos. I really love your advice and have taken much of it to heart and even passed it along to friends whom I thought could benefit from it. Thank you so much for your very insightful, thoughtful and genuinely caring advice and information. Keep up the great stuff and I’ll keep tuning in.


    • Claire Casey

      You’ve just made my whole week, Bené. Thanks SO much for your kind words!! 🙂

  3. Marisa Padilla

    My boyfriend and I are in a long term relationship, are sex life has deminished, once a month if Im lucky….He T levels are real low…the test dose not lie…but he did, said he was getting the shot..real elabrate lie..that I believed….and I had felt Horrible because it wasnt working. A few mo. Pass an we have a blow out…and the truth came out….I have never felt so betrayed, an what other lies are there…that was over a mo. Now…he was suppost to make an appointment when we both can go an I can see it happen…well thats been a week…pisses me off he lied, pussy footing around, have to hold his hand, now I have to make the call myself and drag him there…I want to say Be A Man and get it Done….but thats kinda mean low t an….but not really funny, I need Help….

  4. Thanks for being such an amazing inspiration for my lady and I. We are very excited to read your suggestions and have tried several. Keep up the good work.

    • Claire Casey

      I just love it when the fellas weigh in! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Big Al. I’m thrilled to hear that things are going well for you and your lady. 🙂

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