Intimacy & Sex

Why Men Watch Porn (And Where You Should Draw the Line)

Guys are watching a ton of porn! Should you be worried? Should you give ultimatums, or simply leave? Or is it really a problem in your relationship? What if it becomes a problem?

So many questions come in about why men watch porn, and it might be helpful to take a look at some of the ways men’s minds (and hands 🙂 ) work when it comes to looking at naked women online, AND where you and he should draw the boundary lines…

“My boyfriend looks at porn every single night. I’ve told him I don’t like it and he promised he would stop, but doesn’t he know I can just look at the history tab on his computer??! I dont understand this, am I not sexy enough for him? I’ve even lost weight recently, and I still can’t compete.” – Mae S.

Here’s the thing, Mae. If he’s a man, he’s horny. Every day. Even if the two of you got busy and left your bed sheets a smoking ruin that same morning. You ARE sexy enough for him, I promise. But my question to you is:

Are the two of you having as much awesome sex as you would like?

intimacyThe single biggest red flag in a man’s porn habits is that it should never replace real intimacy with the woman he loves.

So that’s the main rule you can look at to decide if there’s a problem or not (more coming at the end of the article!), or if this is the man for you.

But first, let me explain a few of the reasons why men watch porn…

Top 7 Reasons Your Man Looks at Sex Videos Online

Some of these you’ll already know, but a few may be new information…

1. He’s burning off fuel.

This isn’t about how good you are in bed. Because if there’s one thing most men have (at least the ones under 60), it’s sexual fuel, and they’re sizzling hot and ready to explode MOST, if not all, of the time. A man needs to take that in hand (hah!) and deal with it.

2. He’s bored.

Happens all the time. If he has a spare 10 minutes with nothing specific to do… Hello private browsing window. It’s NOT that he’s bored with YOU, he’s just bored. And there’s sexual jet fuel sizzling in him, so why not.

3. He’s visual.

I don’t care if he just left your bed and you’re still curled up and sated, he loves to look. Do you catch him watching your bedroom action in the mirror? Yep. Does he want to see naked women, 5 minutes after he just saw you in the same state? Yep.

4. It’s safer.

There’s an enormous difference between watching people do things online than actually trying to find someone who wants to do those things for real. Even guys know to leave certain things to the professionals. But as fantasy goes, it let’s him see and experience it vicariously.

5. He gets to be a little selfish.

You know that he loves it when the two of your are getting busy and you are utterly, shockingly, completely aroused by him and all the sexy, horny-making things you’re doing together. He loves to watch you loose control and let yourself go to passion. But when he’s watching the action online, he doesn’t have to think about anyone else’s pleasure but his own. Kinda fun once in a while, even if it can’t compare with the real thing.

intent man6. He’s strategizing.

Ever heard a bunch of guys watching a big football game? They all have advice for the coach and ideas about what should be done. So yeah, guys actually DO think – “I wonder if my girlfriend would like it if we tried that position…”

7. It’s predictable.

In a world where your partner isn’t always ready and raring to go, and where life can be high-stress and crazy all the time, online porn is predictable. It’s like watching Die Hard (except with naked people getting busy) over and over again – you already know how it’s gonna turn out, and sometimes that can be soothing.

Here’s the truth: Most guys engage in this IN ADDITION to, not INSTEAD of, real live yumyum with gorgeous, fragrant, excited, you. Imma say that again in a minute.

What ISN’T Acceptable for Him to Do

The best balance here is when YOU get the best of his sexual energy, and the rest falls to him to take care of.

If you want more sexual intimacy than you’re getting, believe me, communicate that and your man will be happy to oblige! If you want less, his ability to masturbate (and even if he’s not watching porn, it’s running in his head) is your friend.

arguing

You know things are out of balance when he consistently (and increasingly) chooses porn over real sex, or when he’s spending money you don’t both agree about on his online habit.

Both of those are usually an indicator of a bigger problem in the relationship. But if your relationship is actually in a reasonably good place, there’s probably no need to worry about him downloading porn videos to his phone to watch during his smoke break.

The items below are where I personally draw my own boundaries, and you should determine where your own are.

1. A man should never hide or lie about what he’s doing.

Everyone deserves to keep some things private, but regular lies or other deceptions are a red flag that something is off kilter in the relationship and needs to be addressed. That’s true whether it involves porn or not.

2. A man should not go into online chat rooms and engage in “cyber sex” with other women when he is explicitly committed (or married) to you.

I have several girlfriends who disagree with this one. But this is where I draw the line. Communicate clearly and openly with your man about this one and make a decision together.

foreplay3. A man should not ignore foreplay.

Porn is made primarily for guys, who are not only very visual, they are also already aroused. No need for warming up the engine. But women are like fine instruments – most of the time we need to be warmed up to be ready to enjoy sex.

4. A man should never disrespect sexual boundaries the two of you have agreed to.

Another issue in online videos is that there simply aren’t any boundaries. Anything goes, and a woman’s body is treated as 100% percent accessible. This simply isn’t the case with real couples.

5. A man should never replace real intimacy with pornography.

Porn is like a candy bar. It might taste good, but that doesn’t mean you should eat only candy, or even eat a lot of it. It’s sexual junk food, and basically not something that you should live on, physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

What do you think?

I have one male friend who swears he never looks at porn. He feels that even his sexual fantasies should feature his wife as the (only) star of the show.

I think that’s awesome for him (and I know for a fact his wife is extremely satisfied with her husband…). But for my own relationship, that feels a bit extreme.

You’ll have your own opinion, I’m sure. So take a moment and leave me a comment, gorgeous!

xoxo Claire

23 comments on “Why Men Watch Porn (And Where You Should Draw the Line)

  1. Im totally ok with how much my partner watches porn, I get all that you say in your article however what is your take on chitchat with girls he knows and ex play buddys sending him sexual pics….. ??

    And lots of them. He says its not with any intention to take it further. Im pretty cruisy but this kinda gets to me?

    Thanks

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Kelly, thanks for commenting. If the two of you are still dating other people, this doesn’t strike me as out of bounds. But if the two of you are explicitly committed to each other and/or married, I would have a problem with it, myself. It falls under #2 in the list above. Find a good time to have a conversation with him about it, and together the two of you can draw some boundary lines that you can feel comfortable with. xoxo CC

  2. I didn’t realize that woman had so many hang up when it comes to porn . I watch it daily ,but when I first got with my gf she incouraged it ,but things changed. Anyway I loved that comment about him wanting his girl to be his only fantisy and I think that is amazing. I am going to make a commitment to not watching any more porn myself.

  3. Jakki dodds

    I’ve split up with this particular guy now, however when we were together the only time we ever had sex was after he watched porn, I began to feel like he was not able to have sex with me without watching it, although he said that wasn’t the case. I did raise the issue I had with this, but it never changed. Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with this kind of thing should I encounter it again in future please?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi, Jakki — Yeah, I think if the same situation comes up again, you should have a conversation with him about it. Use the “What Isn’t Acceptable” list above to help you decide what boundaries you feel you need in the relationship, and talk with him. If a man is not willing to be inconvenienced for something that’s very important to you, that’s a huge indicator of his lack of potential for being your life-long partner… And if he’s willing to listen, talk, and figure out a way for BOTH of you to get what you need, that’s awesome! Keep THAT one. 🙂

  4. My biggest issue has been with tumblr. He has always looked at porn through it but he has gone to the point of messaging them completely inappropriate things other than the standard “you’re hot” and what not and he is very secretive about it. I understand he doesn’t live near them and doesn’t have their numbers nor does he ask but just the stuff he says bothers me, am I overexaggerating or is this kind of normal

  5. What about if he looks at porn and doesn’t use it to masturbate, he just likes to look? Is that normal? I don’t mind that he watches porn to get the job done, I do that too, but he actively goes online to just to look at pervy pictures. It seems to be a “need” and for some reason, I find this disturbing. Is it?

    • Claire Casey

      Determining whether or not it’s a problem depends mostly on whether it’s causing issues in your relationship, Kirsty. It might just be curiosity. However, you don’t want him to be feeding a dangerous or illegal habit (child porn, for example). Be willing to ask about it, okay?

  6. My fiance watches porn whenever he is bored and I’m not here. It’s almost always when I leave for work, he’ll play a game and get bored so he’ll masturbate to porn and go about his game again. But it bothers me that this is every single time I go to work. I told him that if he ever actively chose porn over sex with me for any other reason than it being simpler and convenient (I say this because I also watch porn, so I understand the need to just wanna masturbate and not worry about anyone else so that’s not the issue), then that would be a problem for us. I KNOW that it’s just because he’s bored but I’m always wondering if this also ties in with our intimacy issue. We used to have sex a lot and now it’s about once a week or every other week. He doesn’t initiate and foreplay is never involved. My only worry is that his porn addiction is affecting our sexual relationship without him even knowing. He says he needs to find a hobby or a job (he works part time hours now) to help keep him occupied and he has asked me before to text him while I’m at work and he’s at home to keep him occupied. I can’t text him the entire time I’m at work and it sucks that he relies on me for that when he knows I have a busy hands on job.
    We have recently talked about this, but I still find that his history is full of porn during the time I’m at work. Should I feel hurt by this? Should I wait until he finds a job that will keep him occupied (which he has been searching for for a few weeks now)? I don’t want to keep coming home knowing that he chose to watch porn and is usually not in the mood for sex anymore, but I don’t know when enough is enough. I love him but I don’t want to keep living like this.

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Kelsey, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. This doesn’t sound so much like an “addiction” as it sounds like exactly what he told you, and what you told me: He’s bored. And it’s not your job to entertain him all day long with texts.

      But since he’s getting off so much when you’re not there, and it’s affecting your sexual relationship, why don’t you could talk about letting each other know in advance when you want to be intimate later on that day. That way he knows to wait for you on those days.

      I bet you’ll find this situation will change (just like you mentioned) when he gets a job.

      • Thank you Claire. It’s helpful to get someone else’s opinion who’s educated on the topic versus me just over thinking. I’m going to start trying that, I always just assumed it would “take away the mood”, but I am willing to try it!

  7. Shandra Gilmore

    My thing is I feel inferior whenever my bf watches porn. He won’t watch it with me and he only watches it when I’m asleep or gone. He calls me a horn dog because I want to have sex every day that I’m with him, but when I’m not with him he’s watching porn every day for what can be a couple of hours. He says he only watches it because he’s bored, but I told him I would send him videos and pictures so he wouldn’t watch it. He watches porn more than he and I have sex. He watches it everyday that I’m gone. I just feel like I’m not good enough. Am I wrong for feeling that way?

    • Claire Casey

      Hi Shandra. You’re never wrong for the way you feel. Feelings don’t have an on/off switch that you can control. But there is a good way to determine whether or not porn is a problem, and that’s simply if it’s negatively affecting your relationship. If you’re having and enjoying sex with him, that sounds pretty good! And by the way, I don’t think you need to send him your own porn. That could be a potential problem if it gets in the wrong hands… xoxo Claire

  8. Jazzmin Randall

    I’ve never had a problem with my fiance watching porn in the four years we’ve been together… Heck I watch porn on my own time. But recently my fiance was messaging an old coworker who is 53 years old and he is 24… Saying he had a crush on her and he was too shy to stop by her house now that she knew. He said he is ashamed for doing it. But also said watching mature porn made him curious… Idk what to do. This isnt the first time he was sexually talking to other girls. It just gets to me because im his age and sexy asf and he tried hitting up an old lady.

  9. My boyfriend constantly watches it as soon as I leave him and once I checked his computer history and it was hours and hours and hours of him watching stuff. I arrive at his and he has been using my toy and the earphones are on the side table and I know that he’s been watching it all night and it’s really really getting to me now and I don’t know what to do

  10. Your article is awesome, and gave me some understanding a bit. BUT, you’re right about the red flags, I’ve caught him with porn, and have expressed my feelings towards it. I’ve asked him not to do it again, but I recently went through the search history… and there is was.. I’m only p*ssed because we aren’t very intimate anymore, and when we are it’s ALWAYS a rush and he acts like he doesn’t know how to please me. We’ve been together for almost 6 years, and I feel like he should know every single thing about me and what I like in bed.

  11. Mary Freeman

    My boyfriend watches it daily. Makes comments about how he wishes my boobs were bigger. He doesn’t hide it. He said he only watches it to help him sleep. I’m also almost 7 months pregnant and I have a pretty high libido. But instead of wanting to be intimate with me, he would rather watch porn. He likes to joke about it because he likes to get a rise out of me. I’m already super emotional being pregnant but I don’t know how to handle this. He says he hasn’t watched a woman do it live in years but I’m not sure I believe him. Is it possible that he may have trouble making an emotional connection with me that he chooses porn?

  12. My bf gets on chaturbate and I don’t like it he says it’s the same thing as porn and I don’t know if I’m overreacting because he always has sex with me and he’s a good guy but everyday he getting on chaturbate do you think this is wrong or am I overeating?

  13. Lisa Sounders

    What if you both are home and he says you need to go the living room so I can watch porn what is this called I can only think of insulting. Tell me different

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