At first he was fantastic. But now he mostly ignores you or treats you like his maid. How did this happen? And what can you do about it?
He used to be so into me. Now he ignores me and treats me like a maid… What happened?
“Hi, Claire. I really love my man with all I have and would do anything for him. In the beginning he was all about me, doing little things that would put a hop in my step, a smile on my face. I was always excited to see him and be around him.
We moved in together but now a lot has changed. It seems like the only thing he thinks about now is his car. It’s all he talks about and he spends late nights busy with his car even if we had plans. Like I am not there, he just focuses on that and nothing else.
If I ask him to help around the house like putting his dirty clothes in the washing basket, or to keep the bathroom clean, it only happens that day and never again. It’s like I am just here to be his house cleaner and sleep with him. I do not feel like his wife-to-be or even a girlfriend.
I just wish it could be like when we just met: the intense closeness we shared, always having something to talk about, being in love, flirting, etc. I just feel like I’m looking after a teenage boy who wants to be pampered and taken care of all the time.
And what do I do in a situation where he texts his ex-girlfriend and says he really misses her? I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want him to look at me just as a friend or just a booty call. Please help”. — Noreen
Ugh, I hate it when someone ignores me. Noreen, girlfriend, you have a lot on your plate. Let’s take it one item at a time…
1. It’s normal for relationships to change after the “in love” phase.
That first “in love” phase is mostly chemical, and it’s dizzyingly fun while it lasts.
Your relationship is meant to change and grow so that it can turn into something even more beautiful than the way it began.
And I know you might think it could never get better than when everything sizzled with the excitement of a new romance… But I promise you can get to an AMAZING relationship IF you’re both willing to do the work it will take to make it through this first swampy struggle.
But I understand, soulshine, things are not looking so good right now, so…
2. You two need to talk.
But don’t dump everything on him at once.
But let’s take the fact that he ignores you. You want to talk to him about how you feel when he doesn’t pay attention to you or the plans you have together.
Choose a neutral, quiet space, and PLAN your opening statement so that it doesn’t feel like an attack.
Something like this:
I would really like for us to spend more time together. I was so disappointed last Friday when you didn’t show for the Thai night we planned. Is there a good way to make sure our regular date nights don’t get missed?
Read more on how to talk to him and get your needs met HERE.
3. A QUICK, AWESOME solution for the laundry (slash personal maid) issue:
I did everyone’s laundry for years. I nagged and begged and bitched but nothing changed. It made me furious.
Then one day, I went out and bought separate laundry baskets for each member of the family, and THEN…I quit doing everyone else’s laundry.
It was amazing. I was no longer responsible for everyone else! I got my happy back.
I highly recommend this approach 🙂
If there are other cleaning issues that need to be settled, have a conversation with him about it. (See #2 above.)
You’ll be having conversations like this a LOT during the course of your relationship. And you want to get good at them, because they are the heartbeat of a relationship that not only survives, but thrives.
4. The Ex-Girlfriend. This is a boundary issue.
The reason he ignores you in favor of his ex is because he’s no longer with her, so he’s thinking “SHE would never annoy me in any way, or pester me to put my dirty socks in the basket.”
It’s EASY to have a great relationship with a fantasy, and we tend to build those around people we don’t actually share space with on a day-to-day basis.
He thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but in fact, ALL grass has to be taken care of, cultivated, mowed, etc. There IS no work-free, perfect fantasy field out there.
The contacting the ex-girlfriend is a boundary issue for you.
And if the two of you are in a mutually agreed, committed relationship, it should be. So you have to name the boundary. You have to say,
“The two of us have agreed to focus exclusively on each other, on building our relationship. It’s a very painful thing for me that you are renewing contact with your old girlfriend. That’s out-of-bounds for me, and it breaks with our agreement.”
If you ALLOW this to continue, it’s on you. So make your plans for either fighting for and working toward what you want, or allowing it to drift away.
When you are unhappy with the current status of your relationship, it’s your responsibility to help him hear what’s happening for you.
Btw, you’ve done an AWESOME job naming what is bothering you.
And you are so right to confront all this now, bright heart.
It will be hard. He’ll get irritated, and defensive, and he may try to make it all your “fault.” Refuse to be melodramatic, or mean-spirited.
Take the high road and do your best to keep the issues clear and your attitude calm.
This is not one of the fun things about a relationship, but it’s something that all couples go through at some point, and you can get through it, too.
Do you know the secret psychology behind WHY men fall in love?
Have you ever had a man feel such unconditional and never-ending love for you that he could kiss or hug you a thousand times and still not be satisfied?
Here’s WHY that happens…
You can use this on your man tonight and watch as he suddenly starts to love every little thing about you… Your smile, your eyes, the sound of your voice and the loving warmth of your touch whenever he is by your side.
In fact, you can ever try it on that stubborn man who rejected you or never loved you the way you wanted and watch… As he tells you that he is the luckiest man on the planet to have a woman like you by his side!
Watch the video and Natalie Pratt will show you something called the “Spontaneous Desire” technique that will leave any man feeling positively drunk with attraction for you.
Use this on him and…
- On the 1st day his eyes will shine and soften up with LOVE for you…
- On the 2nd day he will feel impulses to comfort, please and pleasure (!!) you…
- And by the 3rd day he will stare at you with such loving intensity that it will seem like he would eat you alive.