It doesn’t matter if he’s already moved on; it STILL hurts to let go. And sometimes you can’t seem to figure out HOW. Here’s help…
The messy, hurtful process of trying to let go…
“Claire, my boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, and now he tells me he feels nothing and there’s nothing I can do to change it. It’s the worst feeling ever. And he moves on like 3 years was nothing to him.
He seems eager to let go and he told me when he leaves he doesn’t want to talk to me for awhile. I thought I was going to marry this man!
Why does it still hurt so bad when you know they don’t want you? I feel like that should make it easy to move on, but it hasn’t.
Is there anything at all I can do at this stage (right as he’s about to move out) or is the only thing I can do accept that it has to be let go completely?” — C.
Oh, beautiful woman. I hear your pain loud and clear and my heart goes out to you. Let me see if I can help…
After 3 years he decides to let go and he tells me “he feels nothing…!?”
Of course he feels something. He is feeling a lot, actually.
He feels distressed, embarrassed, and dead sure that he needs to get out, fast.
After 3 years he is probably starting to realize that building a long-term relationship is a lot of work that he doesn’t want to do.
But TELLING you that would be a part of the work, and it would most likely be very dramatic, which he’d like very much to avoid.
So he cuts off his emotions at the pass, tells himself it’s your fault for not being attractive enough, understanding his needs enough, etc, and moves on to a shallower-level NEW (and therefore exciting and easy) relationship as quickly as he can.
That’s why women say a million times over drinks: Men don’t “let go,” they just “move on.”
“Why do I have so much love for him if it’s not real?”
Your feelings are just as real as his are.
But they are very DIFFERENT feelings.
Just because he has decided to leave does NOT mean that your love wasn’t real!
BOTH of you have work to do to let go, and he’s choosing not to do that work. That will catch up to him eventually, but he can most likely avoid it for as long as he can maintain a string of entry-level relationships.
Men let go of promising relationships with good women for lots of reasons.
Here are just a few…
- You’re growing and maturing but he’s not, and maybe he’s not willing to grow, either. He’s either tired of or uninterested in the work it takes to make a long term love last.
- He knows starting a new relationship with someone else will be easier and more fun that working to love more deeply with the woman he has.
- He wants more sex with more women, and doesn’t want to commit.
- He’s starting to realize you’re smarter (or harder-working, or more successful) than he is, and he doesn’t want to face that about himself.
- He doesn’t have any experience with mature relationships, and now that you’ve been together this long, he doesn’t know how to go deeper; he may fear that this makes him look bad, so he just leaves and pretends there are other reasons for the breakup.
- He may be feeling insecure about his attractiveness, intelligence, or sex appeal, and he wants a string of shallow relationships to make him feel better about himself.
- He doesn’t understand the difference between “falling in love” and real, lasting love.
- He may be reacting to or following a pattern he learned in childhood — maybe his parents split up or never committed to each other.
- He may have unrealistic expectations about a relationship. He may be angry that you haven’t fulfilled all his needs 24/7 — he just never learned the balance of an equal partnership.
“Why does it still hurt so bad when you know they don’t want you?”
It hurts because rejection makes us wonder if there’s something about ourselves that wasn’t “good enough.”
I call bullsh*t on that thought, beautiful one.
It hurts, of course it hurts! And it’s going to hurt for a while. But it won’t hurt with THIS kind of intensity forever. It will shift and change as you work on it. To truly let go (of him, of all your hopes and dreams that you had built up with him) takes time.
How to prevent this from EVER happening again…
Life and love doesn’t work that way.
But what you CAN do is minimize the RISK.
If you only keep 3 things in mind, let them be these:
- ONLY commit to a man who definitely, clearly, happily wants to fully commit to you. (Until then, you are 100% single.)
- Don’t expect full commitment too soon; relationships take time to grow
- Get your own (and his) love languages — i.e., the two or three things in life that make you feel most loved — figured out, and do those things for each other.
What to do now
Focus on yourself, not on him. It will help you to let go of him and this relationship if you throw yourself into your own goals and passions in life.
Do GOOD emotional recycling — instead of letting the negative “what did I do wrong” script run in endless cycles in your head, let the good memories and positive moments fill your conscious thoughts.
Call in your support network. This is a breakup, a loss, and you’re grieving. Now more than ever you need to lean on the support of the people who love you.
Give yourself time to grieve, be sad, and move forward.
How to take a man from “okay” to “can’t-possibly-think-of-anyone-else!” ROMANTIC territory…
Just “being in a relationship” is no guarantee that you are happy.
In fact, you might feel more lonely, unloved, and left out than ever before.
ESPECIALLY if your man barely notices you — texting you, sure, but not really showing any REAL passion or interest.
If you dream of having a man that showers you with attention and love, like you see other women getting from their men…
Check out the secret to turning your man into the committed, attentive, romantic guy you have dreamed of right here. You will be so glad you did!
This is a BRAND NEW video from Brian Robbens, and boy does he “get” it!
Your guy is finally going to stop focusing his attention on cars, his buddies, sports, whatever…
And YOU will be his focus!
Imagine how wonderful you will feel when you KNOW that he fantasizes about you…
Click below and watch how quickly he changes:
PS: Not all men are game players. Not all men have hard hearts. And unfortunately, some men come off as uninterested who actually AREN’T.
If you want intense love from a man you need to know how to unlock his hidden, strong emotions.
No more feeling ignored, embarrassed, or unattractive… wishing he would pursue you with just a little bit — NO, a LOT! — of heart-racing energy and loving attention.