Commitment Intimacy & Sex

Enchant Your Inner Garden And Invite Him In (How to Build Intimacy)

You crave that feeling of being fully known, and fully loved. But that kind of intimacy doesn’t happen on it’s own. Here’s how to clear and enchant your own inner soul garden, so that you can invite your man to share it’s delights!

How to build intimacy you both will love…

Building intimacy is SO much more than having sex. The true desire of your heart is to feel loved, right? You want to feel like you can…

  • Fully share your inner world
  • Be who you really are, no masks
  • Feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually close

Men tend to want to build intimacy through tasks done together (and through sex, of course), and women often want to talk and “share feelings”, but many other factors KEEP you from being able to be intimate with someone else…

  • Low self-confidence
  • Fear, jealousy, grief, anger, or other strong emotions
  • Emotional injuries from the past
  • Old or inappropriate/outdated patterns of behavior
  • A judgmental environment
  • Lack of trust
  • When you don’t know what your personal boundaries are

I know, that sounds like a laundry list that you could NEVER manage to clear away.

But don’t get discouraged! Before you can really start opening your heart to build intimacy with someone else, it helps to put your heart and soul in a little bit of order.

Think of it as creating a small, secret corner of your interior garden. Maybe enough to put a tiny, wrought-iron bench for two, a few of your favorite flowers, and a place to scatter some seeds for the songbirds…

3 simple exercises you can do to begin to clear your interior garden

Set aside some time in your life to journal and/or reflect on the following questions:

1. Meet your own needs, build confidence

On a scale of 1 to 5, how solid do you feel on your own as a human; what’s your confidence level? What are two or three small ways you could meet some of your own needs, and begin to reclaim your journey in life?

wdmsw2. Claim and celebrate your gifts

What are some of your unique gifts and strengths? List them. Claim them. Celebrate them! These are special talents and characteristics that you benefit from, but that you can also share with others… You have much to offer!

3. Name (and share) what makes you feel loved

What things make you feel most loved? Make a long list, be creative, whimsical, serious; let them be tiny, enormous, or just ordinary. Which two or three of the smaller love-gifts would you like to receive from another? How can you gently communicate that?

12 beautiful ways to build intimacy and invite your man into your enchanted inner garden

Now that you’ve begun to clear a fragrant, sunlit space within your soul, it’s time to invite the one you love to share some time in it with you…

Let go of your expectations about what it means to build intimacy. Just offer the gift, and open yourself to him…

1. Plan an intimate picnic

Pack finger foods that you’ll both enjoy (eating with your hands can be quite intimate) and spend the time being warmly, lovingly open to him. Recipes and ideas here!

2. Create a “candlelit questions” evening

Candlelight can help create the atmosphere. Gather a handful of questions that you can ask him. The best kind invite him to share things that he’s passionate about. Btw, I give away a free book of sexy questions to everyone in the Ask Claire community! Click HERE and get connected (and take the Love Number Quiz, too!)

3. Offer to massage his hands, or his neck and shoulders

Touch can be a powerful way to build intimacy. Be sure to have some lotion or oil with a fragrance he will like. I like Burt’s Bees Hand Salve for this, but olive oil also works.

4. Set up a little computer surprise

If he’s on the computer a lot, clean out his keyboard and shine up the monitor. Then leave him a new screensaver of a picture of the two of you and a sweet note.

5. Share a nostalgic memory with him

Tell him about a time when the two of you were really happy together. This is one of the most enchanting ways to build intimacy! EVERYONE loves to hear a wonderful story about something good that they were a part of. 

6. Just for the day, take over a task he usually does

Picking up dry cleaning, making coffee, loading the dishwasher, shoveling the walk…

7. Write him a love note

And leave it someplace you know he will find it later. Here are some done-for-you sizzling-hot notes you can use, and if you prefer texting, try these out (or these!). It’s a sure-fired way to build intimacy and spark some romance, too!

8. Indulge him in a small luxury item he doesn’t usually get himself

Maybe this is his favorite craft beer, a special shaving cream, or a new book from a favorite author of his.

9. Look at his high school yearbook, or an old photo album of his

Invite him to tell you some of the stories behind the photos. The more you share worlds, the more you build intimacy between you.

10. Make him a special playlist

You can even write him a note, explaining why you chose the songs you did.

11. Invite him to explain something he knows a lot about

Ask a good question about the stock market, fantasy football, SLR photography, or something that’s he knows a lot about, but you don’t.

12. Tell him something you really love about him

Think about what drew you to him in the first place; what you admire or appreciate. Here are some awesome starting points…

LUCKY #13. Read out loud to him.

Possibilities include his favorite spy novel, fairy tales you loved as a child, or of course, erotica! Always a win. And usually there’s not much reading involved. 🙂 And that’s why it’s called LUCKY #13.

Finally figure out LONG-TERM happiness with a man…

get the manIt takes a lot to surprise me, but this video struck a chord.

In it James Bauer explains the single most important thing to a man when it comes to overcoming his fear of commitment and having a rare and special relationship.

Watch Now

If you think guys are “complicated” or “hard to figure out,” you really need to hear James explain the secrets he has learned after years of being a successful relationship coach.

After he reveals the “most important thing,” he shows you how to trigger the one critical emotion in your guy to draw him closer to you and make him happy long-term.

What I really love about what James says is that it’s not manipulative or “game playing.”

It’s definitely worth your while…!

xoxo Claire

4 comments on “Enchant Your Inner Garden And Invite Him In (How to Build Intimacy)

  1. This really helped me to clear and enchant my inner garden.

    • Claire Casey

      I’m glad you found some power and beauty in the article. Thanks for taking the time to let me know! 🙂

  2. I’m confused, I’ve tried all of these things. I used to be an attractive sexually confident woman. Being with my partner is hard. I can’t get him to engage in any kind of sex talk, I can’t send him those cheeky texts or make any kind of suggestive comments. It’s all lost on him. If I sit back and wait for him to ‘chase’ I’d sit there forever. I’m convinced he doses not find me attractive even though I know he loves me. It’s very sad and I have lost my inner tiger because of this.

    • Claire Casey

      Oh, Angela I’m so sorry. It sounds like you can’t get any kind of reaction out of him at all, and it’s beginning to make you doubt yourself. And it makes me wonder if he’s going through some problems of his own — are there areas of high stress in his life right now with work, health, family? Do you think he’s depressed? Because that would definitely impact your relationship this way. See if you can ask some loving, probing questions to find out what’s keeping him like this; it’s possible that he may need help. Don’t give up, or allow yourself to live like this forever. Something is clearly wrong.

      Sending you hugs.

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