Intimacy & Sex

He Wants a Threesome But I Don’t

Deep breath. Your boyfriend wants a threesome, but you don’t. It’s not an unusual story.

Any time two people connect their lives, boundaries will be challenged, crossed, negotiated, and shifted.

But sometimes you have an intimate boundary that isn’t up for discussion or change.

Usually that’s a foundational value you hold.

For example, if you’re interested in a monogamous relationship and he wants a threesome, you probably are never going to be more than friends (or exes).

The better you understand your personal boundaries, the easier it gets to determine whether a particular man is one who you’ll have a serious future with…

“Hello Claire, I have been dating this guy for 6 months. From day one he told me he wanted a long term serious relationship. The problem is that when I asked him what would he like me to do for him he responded a threesome. Although I was not crazy about the idea I tried it but it was not really a threesome. He wanted to watch me kiss and touch another woman and vice versa. He will only be with me. After my 4th trial I told him I do not like doing it. I am 40 and he has been my 3rd sexual partner all my life. I get turned off by him telling me that a threesome is the only thing that gets him horny. Please help.”  — Melanie

Hi, Melanie — I have a simple answer for you: This is not the right man for you.

If it’s true that “the only thing that gets him horny” is a threesome, and you want a monogamous relationship, you have a serious conflict in foundational values.

This is not a negative judgment of him personally, just the simple truth that his goals (which expect your bedroom to include another woman besides you) don’t line up with yours (one man and one woman).

And you’ve already compromised more than any woman could be expected to. You tried the threesome he asked for (four times!), and it was emphatically not for you.

The truth is that MOST guys would probably like a threesome. It’s a standard male fantasy. But when that fantasy is more important than your reality, you have a deal-breaker.

This is a non-negotiable item, so don’t negotiate.

It’s time to move on.


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I’m guessing that you really care about him, otherwise you wouldn’t have tried so hard and traveled so far outside your personal boundary lines to try and please him.

But you know what? This isn’t high school. You aren’t desperate and you’re not going to permanently compromise on something so important to you.

This is NOT something to talk about any more. Like I said, you’re not negotiating. Politely tell him you’re ready to break it off cleanly (these scripts might help), and begin casually dating other guys.

And the sooner you make your break for freedom, the faster you’ll find the man who has been waiting all his life for a woman just like you.

You got this, girlfriend. Hold your head high, guard your boundaries, and offer your heart to someone who shares your dreams and respects you for the fabulous woman you are.

xoxo Claire

2 comments on “He Wants a Threesome But I Don’t

  1. Oh, wow. It hurts to see a woman get herself into a pretzel for a man. It hurts because deep down I have the same toxic tendency to lose myself and turn myself into what a man wants, and it takes a lot to not do it. I’m sorry Melanie had to go through this. 🙁 Not the threesome itself (personally, I’m ALL for threesomes!), but the experience of consciously overstepping her own boundaries for a guy. I really hope she takes your great advice, Claire! And thank you for the reminder to know and respect our own boundaries!

    • Claire Casey

      I’m not sure exactly why we (women) tend toward remaking ourselves to please others… I don’t know many men who struggle with this issue. But BOY does it take some learning about over the years, and plenty of screw-ups. Let’s hear it for being resilient creatures, growing into more beautiful versions of ourselves… Even if it takes us a while to get there!

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