He’s not sure what she wants. Is she being clear?
Normally I write for women, but I get emails from guys now and then, too. And I felt like this one raises some really good issues!
There’s a LOT being communicated. Here’s how to know what she wants…
“Hi Claire. So I am guy and I like this girl I work with. I don’t want a relationship and she doesn’t either.
She invited me to her place for a party one night and we ended up making out and she told me I could stay the night, but she said we couldn’t have sex because her roommate was there.
A couple days later, she invited me to another party and we end up making out and she said we can’t continue because she doesn’t want to have this affect our workplace and she wasn’t looking for anything serious right then.
A week later she texts me to come over and we can cuddle. We start making out again, again no sex. She said she doesn’t want a relationship then and she just enjoys the attention.
We just recently hung out again, and I asked if she wanted to go up to her apartment and she turned me down.
Now this is when I started to get frustrated and kinda called her out on it and she said she is naturally flirty and she doesn’t want anything serious right now.
I told her that I am confused about what she wants and she said she understands if I am angry with her and we don’t have to be friends if I don’t want. I told her I am just confused and I still want to remain friends, but want clear answers.
I am unsure what she wants…
Is she using me as a booty call for attention
Does she just want to have a non-sexual relationship
Is she playing hard to get using these mixed messages,
Is she just messing with me
Anything you can let me know would be great!!” — M.
Hey M., thanks for your question.
The main thing here is that she doesn’t want to have intercourse. Everything else, yes, but intercourse, no.
Here’s what’s causing the misunderstanding…
Most guys are focused on sex, and all cuddling, kissing, touching, and making out are expected to LEAD TO and END WITH intercourse.
But that’s not always what she wants.
Some women just want the friendship, flirting, cuddling, kissing, touching, and making out.
Unfortunately, our culture often shames women for this.
So you’ll hear men call women who want to make out but not have sex a “cock tease” (or worse). They’ll say she’s “leading him on,” but not “delivering” or “putting out.”
It’s meant to communicate that this sort behavior — wanting physical intimacy without intercourse — is unacceptable, inappropriate, or somehow irresponsible.
But the fact is that not wanting intercourse is a perfectly acceptable choice, even if it’s not the one that the man wants.
Women aren’t obligated to have sex with a man, ever.
Not even if they’ve kissed, cuddled, flirted, or touched.
Lots of women (and there are men who make this choice, too) choose to enjoy some intimacy without trying it ALL out.
And that’s a legitimate choice.
Your girlfriend gets to say what she wants and what she doesn’t want to do.
You mentioned being confused about what she wants…
I think you are feeling confused because you’re steeped in the masculine cultural message that says “If she kisses, touches, etc, then she SHOULD also consent to have sex.”
Which is a deeply problematic message.
I think there’s also some confusion because she’s trying to list reasons — like her roommate is there, or she doesn’t want to affect your working relationship, and so on.
Which might be interpreted as a conditional no, rather than an absolute no. Meaning, if her roommate wasn’t there, she might consent to intercourse. Which may or may not be true at all.
But her words have been quite clear:
- “She said we couldn’t have sex”
- “She said we can’t continue”
- “She said she just enjoys the attention”
- “She turned me down”
“She said she is naturally flirty”
- “she doesn’t want anything serious” (and intercourse is pretty serious)
She seems to trust you to respect what she wants, to respect her choice, and to not force her.
Here are answers to your specific wonderings:
Let me take them one at a time…
Is she is using me as a booty call for attention? Typically a “booty call” indicates intercourse. She doesn’t want to have intercourse with you. Does she want and enjoy the friendship, kissing, and so on? Yes.
Does she just want to have a non-sexual relationship? The relationship you’re currently having with her is not “non-sexual.” Kissing, touching, and all the rest are sexual. They just aren’t intercourse. She clearly enjoys the intimacy, but she doesn’t want to have intercourse.
Is she is playing hard to get using these mixed messages? A “mixed message” is when someone’s message is unclear, inconsistent, or contradictory. But she’s been pretty clear in saying that what she wants is to kiss and touch, but she doesn’t want to have intercourse.
Could you call this “playing hard to get”? She’s not trying to get you to work harder or twist yourself into knots. She just doesn’t want to have intercourse, that’s all.
Is she is just messing with me? No. It sounds like both of you want to be friends. It sounds like both of you want to enjoy kissing and touching. All you have to do is respect each other’s boundaries.
It can be hard to share what’s REALLY on your heart…
An article in the New York Times has been going viral on the internet because of this crazy thing…
It describes a clinical study where a researcher had strangers ask each other 36 questions, and the crazy, interesting, and amazing result was that these perfect strangers actually FELL IN LOVE.
The author of the article tells the story how she tried the experiment herself (with an acquaintance) and was shocked at the power that these questions had on them.
Find out more about the 36 questions that made strangers fall in love…
Being the kind of man a woman wants and desires is actually simpler than you might think…
It sounds like the two of you might only be interested in friendship, flirting, and a little fooling around.
But you might also want to grow that into something more meaningful.
As you already know, I write primarily for woman, but here are some articles that may help you along the way…
My very best to you!
PS: Even if you’ve been in a long term relationship, chances are you will find that there is still much to be learned about your sweetheart.
PPS: These questions are expertly designed so you begin with questions that are fun and comfortable to answer. That encourages couples to slowly and confidently open up to one another.
Eventually you work your way up to questions which are more revealing and daring. By this time, couples are comfortable with the process and are willing to honestly share their past, their dreams for the future and even their fantasies.
PPPS: Here’s an awesome success story from one of the women who went through the questions:
“We’ve been dating for 4 years and talking about marriage for the last two but he never wanted to set a date and of course there was never a ring. My friend recommended the questions and after going through two-thirds of them with my boyfriend over a few weeks he surprised me one night at our favorite restaurant with a ring hidden in the cheesecake. We’re getting married on June 19th!” – Marika S.